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crimsonOak914
1,860 M Hopeful Heart 1
PathStep 12 Compassion hearts38 Forum posts12 Forum upvotes14 Current upvotes14 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2021 Member sinceMay 8, 2018
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Still depressed but taking control of my life
Journals & Diaries / by crimsonOak914
Last post
 June 15th, 2021
...See more After reading through old journals and old 7cups threads, it's clear to me that I have a problem, a depression problem it seems. Although I'm still reluctant to check with a medical professional because I can't stand the possible med side effects, I've been exercising and fasting. Work is a current problem it seems. I realize I put all my energy in one thing (School, Relationship, Work) and I get disappointed and depressed if it doesn't satisfy me. My current job feels like golden handcuffs. It pays well, benefits are good, I got promoted etc. But I burned myself out real good for the past few years of giving my 100%. I even complained about it in one of my old threads on how I struggle with work-life balance. In my country, the pandemic is still going on. The vaccine rollouts is incredibly slow. I'm waiting for my company to give me a vaccine shot (private companies here can procure on their own, not relying on government to speed things up) and then go on a solo travel trip around the Philippines, take pictures, do art, maybe do some freelance writing but it's mostly just to take care of my mind, body and soul. ​​​​​​People around me think it's silly that I have a good thing going on and want to quit but the thing is I've spent most of my life doing "what I have to do" and neglecting things that "feel right" I've saved enough money to keep me afloat for atleast 6months and then get back to corporate. Back in 2019, I almost got myself in a car crash deliberately out of boredom. In November 2020 marks a switch in my head that got me feeling like I can't spend my days infront of a computer, replying to angry users and making sure my boss knows I'm doing a good job. ​​​​​​ This 2021, I'm planning my escape route. Thanks for reading.
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A safe space to let it all out?
Depression Support / by crimsonOak914
Last post
 May 5th, 2020
...See more I only visit 7cups whenever I don't have anyone to vent out to. Anyway, I've been having this on-off again feeling of sadness, meaninglessness and inability to connect sometimes. I finally found a person I can connect to after recovering from a really bad relationship in 2018, but he's not opening up that much and I think he's still dealing with a breakup that had happened quite recently to him, we talk all the time but I feel like I'm into him more than he is to me, he barely tries to make conversation in getting to know me more or maybe its because I just don't know him that well, yet. Work is the only thing that distracts me from world affairs and everything else and I try to exercise but meaninglessness, inability to connect with others no matter how much I try just randomly attacks. Im doing whatever I can to change this so I don't get fired. This rant goes off tangents so I appreciate if you got this far my mind is a mess.
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My energy goes through bursts, advice?
Depression Support / by crimsonOak914
Last post
 November 24th, 2019
...See more My day depends on my mood and I hate it so much. Like I want to check out a lot on my to do list but I don't have the energy and just spend days hating myself. I do a lot of baby steps but never go forward after ticking one task off. I also feel lonely, feel like a loser for not going out alot and trying my best with my swimming hobby because i wanna be alone. I neglect my family, haven't been taking care of my dogs the way i want to (my mother helps), i dont hangout with people apart from coworkers. I also have health issues i neglect like sleep habits and teeth. This looks like a weird rant but I would appreciate some input. Thanksl
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Routine makes my brain rot
Journals & Diaries / by crimsonOak914
Last post
 November 10th, 2019
...See more Its 2:27am here. My work laptop is wide open because I'm still working, not that I've been working all day I took plenty of breaks (like opening 7cups after a few months) but I still need to get alot of things done. I have no life outside work and the sadness and self-loathing is creeping up on me again. This year has been my fattest, I'm now overweight, my hair is weird and when I look at myself in the mirror I don't like what I see. I used to dream about being a successful adult, now I don't have a clue of what success is or about being an adult. I think its all just concepts and the interpretation rests upon the individual or whatever. Now I "think" i can count myself successful, financial-wise but at what cost. I just wanna go on a drive and hit the gas pedal and just go away and look at the stars and clouds and trees, stuff like that. This entire thing is just one big ramble and I appreciate if you're still reading this at this point. I'm also proud that this December marks my last cigarette, I quit nicotine for a while and moved to juuls earlier this year. It's not the same as a cigarette but I can smell and taste better and now hate the smell of cigs. Nothing to say no more.
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