Routine makes my brain rot

Its 2:27am here. My work laptop is wide open because I'm still working, not that I've been working all day I took plenty of breaks (like opening 7cups after a few months) but I still need to get alot of things done. I have no life outside work and the sadness and self-loathing is creeping up on me again.

This year has been my fattest, I'm now overweight, my hair is weird and when I look at myself in the mirror I don't like what I see. I used to dream about being a successful adult, now I don't have a clue of what success is or about being an adult. I think its all just concepts and the interpretation rests upon the individual or whatever. Now I "think" i can count myself successful, financial-wise but at what cost.

I just wanna go on a drive and hit the gas pedal and just go away and look at the stars and clouds and trees, stuff like that. This entire thing is just one big ramble and I appreciate if you're still reading this at this point.

I'm also proud that this December marks my last cigarette, I quit nicotine for a while and moved to juuls earlier this year. It's not the same as a cigarette but I can smell and taste better and now hate the smell of cigs.

Nothing to say no more.