cxschp Member Profile

...See more tw: sexual trauma I grew up being told I was an attention seeker because I wanted therapy but couldn’t explain why I needed it by parents, mostly my dad. I’d get told I was a liar, that nothing bad enough happened to be for me to feel like this. I remember being a kid and wishing something actually bad would happen to me, I had a few friends that had gone through sexual abuse and I wasn’t sure why I understood them so much, I wanted to have gone through similar things as them so that I would be able to actually relate to my friends, so that my pain would be as valid. The older I get the more I look back and am haunted by the multiple times I was sexually assaulted, when I was 10 my friends grandpa would be drunk and find excuses to touch us, when I was 12-14 I experienced csa from my brothers friend and my “cousin” ( she was adopted and eventually ran away so at least I don’t see her) and after that I had two men one from church and one from work try to groom me I don’t understand how I couldn’t see that it was already happening to me, I don’t know why I thought it was normal and I wished it would be worse, that would “ actually “ be rape or assault. I’d listen to my friends tell their stories and wish I could relate when deep down inside I could and I wasn’t sure why. I know now, I was never taught how to tell someone something was happening and no one ever thought to ask even though I showed a lot of signs, I got very mean and angry around 12, I didn’t want to be touched even if it was from my parents, I sought out validation from older men, I wet the bed and would have vivid nightmares, I had an addiction to extreme porn but couldn’t handle talking about sex, I felt extremely ashamed and like I was gross— I mean I told my mom I couldn’t use a tampon because it made me feel uncomfortable and dirty but it was always brushed off as normal and idk maybe it was. I had a really upsetting conversation with my mom a week ago, we went on a trip together and she opened up to be about the fact that she was molested as a child— she told me she always tried to give me a safe space to come to her and she tried to never tell me she would harm the person who hurt me so that I wouldn’t be afraid to tell her and I couldn’t admit it to her I couldn’t tell her that despite all of her effort I was scared and didn’t want to get anyone in trouble. I feel like I did it to myself or let it happen. Part of me feels like I can’t fully remember if I was aware of what was going on and chose to be okay with it and I’m just feeling guilt for doing stuff so young, or if I really did just get victimized and because I thought it had to be extremely violent I never told anyone and blocked it out

Bio

Recent forum posts

Talk to an expert therapist

Hi, my name is Melissa and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor. I hope...

About Us

Get Started

Online Therapy

Terms

Bio