Tw:SA trauma
tw: sexual trauma
I grew up being told I was an attention seeker because I wanted therapy but couldn’t explain why I needed it by parents, mostly my dad. I’d get told I was a liar, that nothing bad enough happened to be for me to feel like this. I remember being a kid and wishing something actually bad would happen to me, I had a few friends that had gone through sexual abuse and I wasn’t sure why I understood them so much, I wanted to have gone through similar things as them so that I would be able to actually relate to my friends, so that my pain would be as valid. The older I get the more I look back and am haunted by the multiple times I was sexually assaulted, when I was 10 my friends grandpa would be drunk and find excuses to touch us, when I was 12-14 I experienced csa from my brothers friend and my “cousin” ( she was adopted and eventually ran away so at least I don’t see her) and after that I had two men one from church and one from work try to groom me
I don’t understand how I couldn’t see that it was already happening to me, I don’t know why I thought it was normal and I wished it would be worse, that would “ actually “ be rape or assault. I’d listen to my friends tell their stories and wish I could relate when deep down inside I could and I wasn’t sure why. I know now, I was never taught how to tell someone something was happening and no one ever thought to ask even though I showed a lot of signs, I got very mean and angry around 12, I didn’t want to be touched even if it was from my parents, I sought out validation from older men, I wet the bed and would have vivid nightmares, I had an addiction to extreme porn but couldn’t handle talking about sex, I felt extremely ashamed and like I was gross— I mean I told my mom I couldn’t use a tampon because it made me feel uncomfortable and dirty but it was always brushed off as normal and idk maybe it was. I had a really upsetting conversation with my mom a week ago, we went on a trip together and she opened up to be about the fact that she was molested as a child— she told me she always tried to give me a safe space to come to her and she tried to never tell me she would harm the person who hurt me so that I wouldn’t be afraid to tell her and I couldn’t admit it to her
I couldn’t tell her that despite all of her effort I was scared and didn’t want to get anyone in trouble. I feel like I did it to myself or let it happen. Part of me feels like I can’t fully remember if I was aware of what was going on and chose to be okay with it and I’m just feeling guilt for doing stuff so young, or if I really did just get victimized and because I thought it had to be extremely violent I never told anyone and blocked it out
@cxschp Reading this breaks my heart. It takes immense courage to share something so deeply personal and painful. Please know that what you experienced was not your fault, and your feelings are valid. The confusion and the way you internalized everything as a child are a heartbreaking consequence of not having a safe space and being dismissed. Even through pain, your desire to relate to your friends speaks to a deep need for connection and understanding, especially when you weren't getting it at home. It's not uncommon for children who are experiencing abuse not to understand what's happening fully or to normalize it as a way to cope. Your young mind was trying to make sense of something that no child should ever have to endure.
The fact that you now recognize the pattern of abuse you experienced, even if it's haunting you, is a significant step towards healing. Understandably, you might struggle with the memories and question your awareness. Trauma can be incredibly complex, and our brains often develop defense mechanisms, like blocking out memories or minimizing experiences, to help us survive. What you went through was real, and it profoundly impacted you, regardless of how clearly you remember every detail.
Your mother's revelation and her intention to create a safe space for you are significant, even though you couldn't confide in her then. It highlights how deeply ingrained fear and the instinct to protect others can be, especially when you've been conditioned to believe your experiences aren't valid. It wasn't that her efforts were in vain; the environment created by your father's dismissiveness likely overshadowed her attempts to be supportive.
Please know that you did not do this to yourself, and didn't let it happen. You were a child, and you were victimized by adults who should have protected you. The confusion you feel now is a natural consequence of the trauma you endured and the lack of support you received. Seek professional support, a therapist who specializes in trauma can provide you with a safe and understanding space to process these experiences, navigate the complex emotions you're feeling, and help you heal. They can help you understand the defense mechanisms you developed and validate the reality of what happened to you.
You are not alone in this; you deserve to heal and find peace. Your pain is real, and your journey towards understanding and recovery is courageous. Be gentle with yourself, and please reach out for the support you need.
Thank you for this I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me I needed that a lot. I’m trying to get a therapist it’s just I can’t afford it and my parents don’t believe in therapy so I’m a bit stuck right now, but hopefully soon I’ll be able to find something
@cxschp i am so sorry you have to go through this. Please feel free to reach out for support
