Vent
I feel like I’ve “ faked it til you make it “ for too long now, it’s like no matter what I do I can’t help but express how miserable I feel on the inside, and I’ve never really talked about it before so the few friends that I have try to talk to me and all I can do is shut them down even if I want to tell them I just can’t I have to be okay
Im not nice when I’m like this and I don’t know why, i know it’s not uncommon for depressed people to be moody but I still have a lot of guilt about it because I can’t stop. I do everything I can when I’m not like that to be kind and nice, I don’t really talk a lot. People tell me I’m quiet and kind, that I’m a good person, and I want to believe them but I get so mad even if subconsciously I can acknowledge that I’m hurting someone with my reactions. it’s like there’s two of me in my head and when I finally get to a point where mentally I can’t take it anymore I just turn into a cold person with no way to brighten my mood— it’s like it turns off the same way it turns on, all of a sudden I’m okay again
my friends are good people, honestly I think if o explained it to them it would make a lot of sense and they would understand, but I feel pathetic and weak, and like a bad friend because I can acknowledge that I’m coming off mean but I can’t say sorry because I don’t know how to explain to them the storm that’s going on in my head when every time they’ve asked what’s going on I’ve lied. it’s been so long I don’t even know where to start.
I’m sure this is poorly written i apologize it’s late and I’m just trying to get my thoughts out
@cxschp
Hey, first of all thank you for sharing this. It wasn’t poorly written at all. It was honest, raw, and incredibly human. You opened up in a way that takes real courage, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. That alone says a lot about your strength.
What you’re describing isn’t weakness. It’s the weight of carrying so much inside for so long, trying to hold it all together while the cracks slowly form. When you’ve been "faking it" just to survive, of course there's going to be a breaking point. That doesn’t make you a bad friend or a bad person. It makes you someone who’s been trying really hard, maybe too hard, to carry everything alone.
You’re not mean you’re overwhelmed. You’re not cold you’re protecting yourself the only way your brain knows how in that moment. Those mood swings, that guilt, that feeling of having two versions of yourself? You’re not alone in that. So many people dealing with depression or emotional exhaustion feel exactly that same internal tug-of-war.
And you’re right your friends probably would understand. They care about you. The fact that you’re so worried about how you treat them shows how deeply you value them. If and when you’re ready, even something small like, “Hey, I’ve been struggling more than I’ve let on, and I don’t really know how to talk about it yet,” can open that door. You don’t need to have the perfect words. You just need honesty and you've already proven you're capable of that.
It’s okay to not be okay. And it’s okay if you're not always kind when you're hurting. You’re still deserving of love, patience, and understanding. You don’t have to carry this all by yourself. You deserve support too.
Be gentle with yourself tonight. You’ve done more than enough just by getting this out. And I'm proud of you for that.
