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dapperField9008
777 M Little Steps
PathStep 23 Compassion hearts24 Forum posts5 Forum upvotes31 Current upvotes31 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2021 Member sinceJanuary 23, 2018
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Not sure this counts as self harm(psychological)
Self-Harm Recovery / by dapperField9008
Last post
 June 1st, 2020
...See more Hi, i have been attending therapy for the last few years and feel much better as a result. it wasn't until i attended therapy that i began to understand why i had such problems with changing myself. Every single thing i do is motivated out of disgust and distain for myself. Why don't you study harder you piece of shit, why don't you have more friends you anti-social asshole, why don't you exercise because you're getting larger you fat fuck. I have never really considered that self improvement can come from a place of self love because i didn't love or even like myself for most of my life. I only studied and did things because i had to, regardless of how painful it was. I never liked hanging out with people because it never came out of a genuine like of them or wanting to get to know someone, it always came out of some "duty" that i hade to force myself to do. I have been so mean and cruel to myself, put myself down at every turn. People assume i didn't take praise out of being humble but it was because i always saw it as why would you be getting praise for doing what you are supposed to be doing. This was me venting, not sure if this is the right forum. But how can i describe what i've done to myself as anything other than self-harm.
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Anxiety induced despair and depression
Anxiety Support / by dapperField9008
Last post
 May 31st, 2020
...See more Hi i'm 26 years old I'll give some backstory to the headline. I started university in a european nation at 19 years old and did soso my first year after that i just imploded, my anxiety was manageable before that but now it became overwhelming. I couldn't even study without feeling like absolute shit. This led to me failing exams for 2 years (there is no tuition at my university and no way of being expelled without committing a crime) after this absolutely cratered my confidence and will to live, i was confronted by my parents who heard me out and helped me start therapy. It took another year before finding one i liked, i started improving and passed exams again. At this point i started slipping and my anxiety came back, then my therapist moved and i had to get a new one. I have trouble opening up and trouble expressing when i feel like shit, so i lied about the state of my mental health to my new therapist. I've resumed failing and keep bottling up my emotions like before. Now my anxiety is fully back, i'm a bigger mess than ever and i've started feeling something else too. I feel despair and change, i'm terrified about telling my therapist and my parents that i failed. I'm 26 years old and should have my shit together, but i feel so awful all the time now. I've started to have thoughts of suicide, i'm a garbage failure and everyone would be better off if i was dead. My parents are so great how did they ever end up with a stupid asshole like me for a son.
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