Anxiety induced despair and depression
Hi i'm 26 years old I'll give some backstory to the headline. I started university in a european nation at 19 years old and did soso my first year after that i just imploded, my anxiety was manageable before that but now it became overwhelming. I couldn't even study without feeling like absolute shit. This led to me failing exams for 2 years (there is no tuition at my university and no way of being expelled without committing a crime) after this absolutely cratered my confidence and will to live, i was confronted by my parents who heard me out and helped me start therapy. It took another year before finding one i liked, i started improving and passed exams again. At this point i started slipping and my anxiety came back, then my therapist moved and i had to get a new one. I have trouble opening up and trouble expressing when i feel like shit, so i lied about the state of my mental health to my new therapist. I've resumed failing and keep bottling up my emotions like before. Now my anxiety is fully back, i'm a bigger mess than ever and i've started feeling something else too. I feel despair and change, i'm terrified about telling my therapist and my parents that i failed. I'm 26 years old and should have my shit together, but i feel so awful all the time now. I've started to have thoughts of suicide, i'm a garbage failure and everyone would be better off if i was dead. My parents are so great how did they ever end up with a stupid asshole like me for a son.
@dapperField9008
I'm very sorry you feel that way. University is very hard, and even though we may fail (I have to take a few courses twice back on my BA) it does not mean anything about how we are as a person and as a professional later on.
I also have great parents and time and time again I feel like I have or I am (this does not go away easily) dissapointed them. But thuth is, you're not. My mom always says that she wants me to take care of myself and my life. She asks me this on her birthday, on mother's day, on christimas. This is what our parents want. They want their kids to be as best as possible. And don't think for a minute they would be better off without you, that's not how it works.
I know how it's like not to 'click' with a counselor, one does not feel confortable about sharing our fears and thoughts. I believe that if you feel like you can trust the one you have now, you could come clean. Sometimes we think we are fooling people when we're actually not. If you don't feel confortable, maybe you should try something/someone new. I do regular therapy (online now) and I have came here sometimes to help with ponctual problems, and some listeners really helped me in putting things into perspective.
Hope you fell better soon,