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debanie
2 1,238 M Little Steps 3
PathStep 3 Compassion hearts84 Forum posts37 Forum upvotes81 Current upvotes81 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2026 Member sinceFebruary 11, 2015
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I've made a decision
Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by debanie
Last post
 July 30th
...See more I've made a decision and I don't want to talk to anyone in my real life about it yet. So here I am.  My wife is an alcoholic. I've tried encouraging her to get help, she has said she's an alcoholic and at times has even said she wants to quit drinking. I've tried to be supportive. She's started telling people she quit or she's not drinking as much, and what she means is she doesn't drink vodka at home anymore. She drinks 8 or 10 hard seltzers every night, and drinks her vodka or gin anytime she goes to a restaurant or bar. But she doesn't drink vodka at home so "she quit drinking".  When she's drunk she's either passed out or mean. Usually just verbal but it's been physical a few times. She took our teenage grand daughter on a fun weekend trip and got so drunk that grand daughters parents drove 12 hours to pick her up. Our grand daughter is now saying she doesn't want to come see us anymore because she was so scared of grandma and doesn't want to be around her anymore.  So I made a decision. I can't be married to someone who puts alcohol before her family. Tonight when she gets home I'm going to tell her. I can't stop her from drinking. I can't make her get help. But I don't have to stay. I needed to tell someone, just to get it out of my head so I can focus on work. Thanks for listening. 
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Just Venting
Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by debanie
Last post
 July 1st
...See more I just need to vent. Not really looking for advice, I can't actually change things and the things. I can, but I won't because I can't be selfish.  Another fight. Not a bad one, no screaming. Just hanging up mid conversation. Because they made a decision while drunk and gave their word to someone, while drunk. So I had to follow through on the promise they made while drunk. But of course they don't remember and now don't agree to it. So I'm the bad guy for following through, and also the bad guy if I don't follow through. Because when I don't follow through on their drunk promises they tell everyone I'm just being a ***, I'm just being controlling and won't let them follow through. So either I follow through and they get mad or I don't and they make sure I look bad.  I wish other people could see it. They stay sober for work, so everyone around them sees a sober person who gets things done and follows through and is super reliable. But no one sees them at home, no one sees that the first thing they do when they walk in the door is grab a drink. They even tell people they quit drinking, and then claim it's true because they don't drink hard alcohol anymore (accept when they do and that doesn't actually count because it's just some cocktails at the bar a few times a month and they order food they don't eat so it's ok it's not really drinking). So no one sees the nights of passed out drunk by 6pm, those are the really good nights. And no one sees the drunk and yelling at me about something stupid that I did or that they imagine I did. And no one sees them make promises they won't keep and me having to decide if I'm going to be the bad guy or be the bad guy this time. No one sees them stumble in at midnight and wake me up knowing I have to be up at 5am. No one hears them calling me names, telling me my cooking is ***, telling me the house isn't clean enough. No one sees that I do all of the house work so I don't have to live in filth or that I do all of the child care because I can't let a drunk person be in charge of a toddler.  No one sees. No one hears. I'm alone.  Everyone sees the hero that's raising their grand child. Everyone sees the person working hard because they care so much about their family. Everyone sees the long suffering partner who has to put up with a controlling *** at home.  And no one sees me. I just want to be seen. 
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New here
Motherhood Support (FC Mother) / by debanie
Last post
 April 1st
...See more Hi, just introducing myself. I'm new to the group. I have three adult sons and two adult step sons. I also have three grand daughters and my wife and I are raising the youngest grand daughter. 
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I'm sick of being the strong one
Family & Caregivers / by debanie
Last post
 April 9th
...See more I'm the rock for my family. I'm the one who has to hold it together and stay strong when everyone else is falling apart. But right now I just want to be the one who's taken care of. I want to be the one who can stay in bed because I had a rough night, I want someone else to do bath time and bed time so I can go to bed early. I want to be able to have some time to myself instead of taking care of everyone else. Today I called my wife on my break just to check in on her and she thanked me. She said she couldn't do it without me, I'm her strength. That should feel good but it's just exhausting today. It's so emotionally draining and so lonely. I don't want to be her strength today, I know she couldn't handle everything life has thrown at us by herself. But sometimes I want someone else to be the strong one. I know I'll be ok, I know I'll get through and carry on. I always do. I'm just so tired. 
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Helping a loved one quit
Addiction Support / by debanie
Last post
 February 10th, 2019
...See more My wife's 24 year old son called last week and asked for help. He's been using heroin for a while and asked for our help. He hasn't contacted us in more than a year because the last time he got high in our house we told him not to come back until he was ready to quit. Now he's ready and we are happy to help, but I don't know the right things to say to help him or to support my wife.
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