dezismelancholy Member Profile

...See more Its strange to be around so many people all the time and still feel so Lonely.. I’m a 23 yo married to a 24 yo and he’s amazing support and very genuine guy but I feel guilty venting to him about the same things and about drama that has been continuous in my family for decades but now I’ve inherited unfortunately. I stay at home due to not being able to work because I have non epileptic seizures triggered by stress and temperature. I also forgot to mention I live at home with my elderly grandparents who adopted me when I was a toddler. And my little sister who isnt adopted but my adoptive parents have full custody of is 16. My Parents don’t have much interest in fully parenting her since they feel they did their extra duty raising me so taking on my sister 3-4 years ago after our other grandmother passed and her distant aunt didn’t want her anymore was just too much for my parents. So I’ve taken on a lot of the parenting through the past few years which has been overwhelming given she has a lot of mental health issues herself very similar to me at her age. Ive always helped to pick up the pieces and get her back on the right track. Encouraged her to continue her schooling i helped her land a job and have always been an ear for her when she needs me. Lately she’s been showing out at work making all the wrong moves and just making a bad reputation for herself at work , calling out , picking up someone’s shift then calling out for that shift too, arguing w managers and any authority in general and I know it’s normal to an extent since she’s only 16 and a very sheltered one at that, but idk what to do to help her anymore it just keeps getting worse I’ve had 4 different talks with her about the behavior and nothing has stuck only temporary improvement. Now my parents have decided to move out of state and neither me or my sister want to move so she’s insisting she live with me wherever I go which I have no issue but being a parental figure to her has followed me since we were both small I was 7 when she was born and by the time I was 11-12 I was going to her house and taking care of her on summer breaks and any school breaks i had or random weekends I could beg my parents to bring me to my other grandmas where she lived. Our Birth Mother is a Meth Addict and has been in and out of our lives , our whole lives. Think Monica from Shameless type. She left me with her Dad and Left my sister with her Mom, They got divorced before I was born. Neither of us had good upbringings but were traumatized in very different ways, My adoptive parents raised me in a very authoritarian style w physical punishment in a conservative environment.(I was also SA as a child but not by my grandparents) While my sister was constantly exposed to Drugs , Physical abuse, Hoarding and SA by my other Grandma who has since passed away thankfully. I’ve been told the story of my Grandparents Divorce , the downfall of my Grandma after diving head first into drugs and alcohol and my Grandpa remarrying but never fully getting over the nasty divorce. To make a long story short : ( grandma cheated on my grandpa with a much younger man who actually only had interest in my mom who was 11 at the time. My mom was SA by said man and my Grandma defended him calling my mom a liar, leaving my Grandpa , and Taking my mom and hiding her from my Grandpa. Few years later Grandpa remarries, Grandma and my Teenage Mom get hooked on drugs and few years later when my Mom is 16 she had me then 7 yrs later had my sister.) So things have just always been messed up for me and my family for a very long time, classic generational trauma. Now normally I have learned to keep all this in a nice box in the back of my mind but flash forward to current day and I’ve just found out my Biological Mother is back in Prison and probably won’t be out until 2031 and for some reason everytime she gets arrested it makes life feel very much like I’m on another rotation of the merry-go-round. It reinforces the same things I’ve always known , She’s not going to change, She won’t ever be there for my Sister the way I am, and I have to fill in her role though in the eyes of my sister and my grandpa will never measure up to the real thing. Did I mention on top of being the family referee I’m also the family black sheep and scape goat. I live in this house with 5 other people not including myself and no matter which one of the 5 did it it’s always some how something I did or didn’t do that caused the issue, so on top of worrying about myself I have to worry about what everyone else is doing and try to get everyone else to stay on top of things so my parents don’t get mad at me for their downfalls or slacking let alone mine. I also need to finish my online schooling so I can graduate Highschool to be able to further my education to have a job that won’t make me seize from the working conditions. Unfortunately for me my focus has been non existent and the stress keeps stacking up which is only making it worse. And on top of that I’m an Artist surrounded by unused Canvas and Unfinished work because my motivation has also left the building. I don’t know what to do to remedy my feelings or the stress from my life. I’ve had therapists in the past but I fear I’m too self aware I know the issues and where they’re coming from what they’re doing ect but how to fix it , change it is beyond me. I’ve made more Therapists Cry than actually gotten help myself. I’ve Ommited a lot of the severe details of my story cause I fear it would be too graphic even for here and I fear what I’ve written already is. But if you’ve read this far, I want to say thankyou for listening to my all over the place vent. I’m sorry if I triggered anyone it was not my intention. And any advice or perspective is appreciated and welcomed.

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