discreetBlueberry Member Profile

...See more Before I start, I just want to say that my "depression" is undiagnosed. I've never been to a doctor and haven't told anyone about this. This is mostly because I feel guilty about the whole thing. I feel guilty about wanting pity, and I feel guilty about struggling when there are so many people who have it worse than me. Since February, I've been feeling very lost and alone, and in March I went through a period where I was very suicidal. I even... hurt myself once, but I don't like to think about that. I don't know how I got from March to here, but somehow I did. I think it was a mixture of distracting myself and wallowing in self-pity. I didn't study for high school finals as much as I should have because I haven't had any energy at all lately. And I've already wasted a month of my summer break doing absolutely nothing. It makes me feel even more helpless and confused because I shouldn't be feeling this way when my life is technically so...perfect. I live in a house and my family loves me, yet I still can't drag myself out of this ditch I've dug. Basically, I want help. I don't ever want to lay on the floor of my closet, wanting to die. But I don't want to reach out for therapy or anything because things will never be the same. I don't want to change the way people think of me. I don't want to seem weak or selfish for wanting pity. But that's hard when every couple days thoughts of suicide creep back from the depths of my brain where I've pushed them. What can I do? I don't want to tell anyone because that will only make me feel worse.

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