Dealing with my depression
Before I start, I just want to say that my "depression" is undiagnosed. I've never been to a doctor and haven't told anyone about this. This is mostly because I feel guilty about the whole thing. I feel guilty about wanting pity, and I feel guilty about struggling when there are so many people who have it worse than me.
Since February, I've been feeling very lost and alone, and in March I went through a period where I was very suicidal. I even... hurt myself once, but I don't like to think about that.
I don't know how I got from March to here, but somehow I did. I think it was a mixture of distracting myself and wallowing in self-pity. I didn't study for high school finals as much as I should have because I haven't had any energy at all lately. And I've already wasted a month of my summer break doing absolutely nothing. It makes me feel even more helpless and confused because I shouldn't be feeling this way when my life is technically so...perfect. I live in a house and my family loves me, yet I still can't drag myself out of this ditch I've dug.
Basically, I want help. I don't ever want to lay on the floor of my closet, wanting to die. But I don't want to reach out for therapy or anything because things will never be the same. I don't want to change the way people think of me. I don't want to seem weak or selfish for wanting pity. But that's hard when every couple days thoughts of suicide creep back from the depths of my brain where I've pushed them.
What can I do? I don't want to tell anyone because that will only make me feel worse.
@discreetBlueberry i know how painful it must be for you right now and i understand your fear about reaching out, but that is the only way for you to feel better. remind yourself that people care about you and nobody is going to hate you for hurting. I really think you need to ask for help so that you doesnt have to feel this way for much longer. Talk to your parents or somebody you trust about finding a therapist that your comfortable with. Also, none of your friends have to know unless you want them to and your health comes before them.
@discreetBlueberry
I feel you. I was abused when I was younger and then after years it caught up to me, I know what it
@discreetBlueberry
I thought therapy would change what people think of me, but it doesn't.
My mom still sees me as the strong bear.
I think the right therapist will just help you figure out you tangled, bitter emotions. It takes awhile to find one, but best of luck. However there are therapists on here after three day for a fee.
I don't think I can put such a big burden on my family. I don't want to waste our money on therapy that might not even help, and plus my depression isn't even diagnosed. Maybe I'm just being selfish and all of this is in my head 
At times I think I'm just not cut out for this and I want it to end.
I don't know what to think anymore; at this point I'm just going day by day.
Today hasn't been great. It started out productive, but my mood plummeted and I ended up wasting 5 hours of the day. What is wrong with me :(
