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...See more Hey I thought I won’t post , but I think If I don’t do it then the flashbacks will will kill me up for sure . So forgive me everyone , whom I will make upset by my post , I don’t want anyone to get hurt , and I’m not blaming my parents please understand me . I am a 7 month old listener in 7cups I am supposed to help people but This time , nothing is helping me out actually that storm is so dark so powerful it has made me weak , made me feeble , and I am no one now right now . My reviews , my Badges , my colourful posts , people's love through shouting out for me trying to cheer me up, on the other side of the river , nothing is actually helping my life is becoming like this black and white posts day by day. Maybe my only problem is now that I won’t die; even it is against me like everyone else. I just want to sleep and never wake up never. My problems are so many that I need to prioritize now which one to fight and which one to leave with what should I fight , my armies my strength , my hope , my sword , my armour everything is broken , I’m wounded , no one is alive no one to fight for me . Crying writing journals, writing poems, nothing working, I don’t like having bath or clean myself I think they are worthless, well everything is worthless. Hazel Grace Lancaster that girl from the Fault in Our Stars was right. “Depression is not a side effect of cancer; it’s a side effect of dying” Well no don’t get me wrong, I don’t have cancer attest physically but maybe my problems are. Well my story is a bit long but still I want to take it out on this post, because this is my last hope, I can’t bear it anymore. I was one of the twins born on 5th of June 5.05 pm 19 years ago. My brother who seemed more healthy died because he had hole in his heart within 3 months of his birth , I was one who had so many problems from my birth , but don’t know why I’m still living . From the childhood I was a late learner, bad in my studies, but ya I managed to pass in every class. I Use to go to class I don’t know I use to play with my hands taking two pencils like two hands are each other’s enemy and they were fighting , a war is going on ( that may sound weird to you , but that was my favourite type of play) I was given the best of everything, yes I do have great parents, who always gave me the best education, best tuitions best toys everything. But still I used to found myself in the midst of that war and would get joy from playing it. In school CP was not banned that time , and as I was a late learner , many teachers used to beat me up with cane , same goes with my parents too , as everyone thought that I could be fixed by discipline . I remember one incident with my parents, I didn’t do my class work and the teacher wrote in my diary that my parents should sign it, and my dad under my mom’s saying tied me up and beat me with a Rubber Pipe, I still remember that as I struggled through all over my body blood got clout and it was like black marks everywhere, and that night for 2 hours they locked me up in the terrace which was dark and I was afraid. There were many incidents like this happened. My mom is a reputed teacher of the School I studied in, so the teachers used to complain my issues with her, even though giving me punishments for my mistakes. My dad is very submissive, and my mom is super dominant and verbal abuse and physical punishments were with me since childhood. When my parents get angry they call me with so many names that Sometimes I forget my own name , which means wealth in my mother tongue . I was never allowed to go out with my friends , where ever I went my mom and dad used to go with me , ya but it is because of them that I went to finest places in my country , because they love travelling . Unfortunately, I grew up having a strong social anxiety within me. I also had an inclination to a subculture called BDSM (I didn’t knew that I was a part of it until a few days ago) I had a strong hatred for women , (which im trying to overcome)because in my life , whenever someone came in my life ,they either tried to use me up , or dominate me up or those whom I loved left to settle their own life and there are exceptions too like my best friend or my close friends but i dont always want to bugg them up saying look im sick look im sick i need help . They are human too . I have a strange personality, I can smile even when I’m completely broken down into pieced within I can help people but cant help my own self . A few years ago my dad had a relationship with someone else other than my mom (who are living 22 years of their marriage) my life was actually at hell, always they used to fight always. But I never told them that I’m goanna leave them for that never .I tried my best that they come back once again. Now I’m suffering from Social Anxiety, Self-Acceptance, Self-harm to some extent(I started it to punish myself but now its grown much) , my fancies for BDSM, I go through sleep less nights just by crying and maybe acute Depression. My parents told me to share with them , I did it , and my mom blamed me completely for all these things and we had an argument after that they said that they are going leave the house , and even I should start looking for a hostel or something . When they had their problems I could have gone out, but I never did I supported them, then why they are doing that. I want to see a phycologist, they have problem on it.( its has nothing to do with financial problems cause im pretty sure my parents can afford it) I write poems, I sing they have problems with that. I write journals they have problem with that. My everything yes is a problem for them , I’m sure I’m a burden to the whole world ? Want to know my version why people write “RIP” in there tombstone ? Because that person who dies will let others Rest in Peace and wont disturb them up ever . Lately I got selected from my college to represent it for the biggest college fest in my country as a pop singer,( I was shortlisted among 40 persons who gave the audition) I shared it with my mom, (who has learnt signing for 5 years but haven’t used it ever in her carrier) she said that I’m goanna make a fool of myself and I should back off, I argued, mom said she goanna leave the family in January, if I disobey. I want to change my carrier , I’m tired of what I’m studding , these studies never go into my head , my parents said that what the society will say . There is always a music going inside me , I don’t know why , but I keep on humming something or the other always , sometimes when I hum a lil loud they say that I’m mad . Well okay , I’m mad , but I’m a human being , I can’t be a robot , I don’t know why they saved me, I was okay dying in the ICU when I was born, and I can never make them happy because I’m not perfect. All my life they taught me to help people, and when I’m doing it, they blame that why are you helping others help yourself. I still remember that day when my class 12 final exam results came out , I got 5 marks less than 80% (which is fairly good In my board of education) but I failed in my additional subject Applied Mathematics (I wanted to take computer science as my additional, but literally my parents forced me to take this subject as they thought that I can do good, because in the previous exam I got a 85 in Maths) My mom slapped me after seeing my result , well that was her first reaction. Do you think that I can ever forget that? I went to a councillor long ago , she told me I need to love my parents , I don’t love them so that’s why these problems are coming .Well I don’t know what to say.Another time I slipped amd fell from stairs as it was slippery somehow, I remember my mom did come but slapped me up hard before helping me to get up, her saying was that why I'm not careful to take care of myself. Well I'm trying to forget them but I cant. I’m just waiting one day that the pain will exaggerate that I will just fall of the cliff , just give up everything . I cant fight alone , I have nothing left literally nothing .I was suicidal for atleast 3 times this month . If there anyone out there my friend , if you can help me out , I beg you do something , I can’t I simply can’t do it . Please . Thank you Love Down

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