Can anyone Help me ? Please I beg you .
Hey I thought I won?t post , but I think If I don?t do it then the flashbacks will will kill me up for sure .
So forgive me everyone , whom I will make upset by my post , I don?t want anyone to get hurt , and I?m not blaming my parents please understand me .
I am a 7 month old listener in 7cups I am supposed to help people but This time , nothing is helping me out actually that storm is so dark so powerful it has made me weak , made me feeble , and I am no one now right now . My reviews , my Badges , my colourful posts , people's love through shouting out for me trying to cheer me up, on the other side of the river , nothing is actually helping my life is becoming like this black and white posts day by day.
Maybe my only problem is now that I won?t die; even it is against me like everyone else.
I just want to sleep and never wake up never.
My problems are so many that I need to prioritize now which one to fight and which one to leave with what should I fight , my armies my strength , my hope , my sword , my armour everything is broken , I?m wounded , no one is alive no one to fight for me .
Crying writing journals, writing poems, nothing working, I don?t like having bath or clean myself I think they are worthless, well everything is worthless.
Hazel Grace Lancaster that girl from the Fault in Our Stars was right. ?Depression is not a side effect of cancer; it?s a side effect of dying?
Well no don?t get me wrong, I don?t have cancer attest physically but maybe my problems are.
Well my story is a bit long but still I want to take it out on this post, because this is my last hope,
I can?t bear it anymore.
I was one of the twins born on 5th of June 5.05 pm 19 years ago. My brother who seemed more healthy died because he had hole in his heart within 3 months of his birth , I was one who had so many problems from my birth , but don?t know why I?m still living .
From the childhood I was a late learner, bad in my studies, but ya I managed to pass in every class.
I Use to go to class I don?t know I use to play with my hands taking two pencils like two hands are each other?s enemy and they were fighting , a war is going on ( that may sound weird to you , but that was my favourite type of play)
I was given the best of everything, yes I do have great parents, who always gave me the best education, best tuitions best toys everything. But still I used to found myself in the midst of that war and would get joy from playing it.
In school CP was not banned that time , and as I was a late learner , many teachers used to beat me up with cane , same goes with my parents too , as everyone thought that I could be fixed by discipline .
I remember one incident with my parents, I didn?t do my class work and the teacher wrote in my diary that my parents should sign it, and my dad under my mom?s saying tied me up and beat me with a Rubber Pipe, I still remember that as I struggled through all over my body blood got clout and it was like black marks everywhere, and that night for 2 hours they locked me up in the terrace which was dark and I was afraid.
There were many incidents like this happened.
My mom is a reputed teacher of the School I studied in, so the teachers used to complain my issues with her, even though giving me punishments for my mistakes.
My dad is very submissive, and my mom is super dominant and verbal abuse and physical punishments were with me since childhood.
When my parents get angry they call me with so many names that Sometimes I forget my own name , which means wealth in my mother tongue .
I was never allowed to go out with my friends , where ever I went my mom and dad used to go with me , ya but it is because of them that I went to finest places in my country , because they love travelling .
Unfortunately, I grew up having a strong social anxiety within me.
I also had an inclination to a subculture called BDSM (I didn?t knew that I was a part of it until a few days ago)
I had a strong hatred for women , (which imtrying to overcome)because in my life , whenever someone came in my life ,they either tried to use me up , or dominate me up or those whom I loved left to settle their own life and there are exceptions too like my best friend or my close friends but i dont always want to bugg them up saying look im sick look im sick i need help . They are human too .
I have a strange personality, I can smile even when I?m completely broken down into pieced within I can help people but cant help my own self .
A few years ago my dad had a relationship with someone else other than my mom (who are living 22 years of their marriage) my life was actually at hell, always they used to fight always. But I never told them that I?m goanna leave them for that never .I tried my best that they come back once again.
Now I?m suffering from Social Anxiety, Self-Acceptance, Self-harm to some extent(I started it to punish myself but now its grown much) , my fancies for BDSM, I go through sleep less nights just by crying and maybe acute Depression.
My parents told me to share with them , I did it , and my mom blamed me completely for all these things and we had an argument after that they said that they are going leave the house , and even I should start looking for a hostel or something .
When they had their problems I could have gone out, but I never did I supported them, then why they are doing that.
I want to see a phycologist, they have problem on it.( its has nothing to do with financial problems cause im pretty sure my parents can afford it)
I write poems, I sing they have problems with that.
I write journals they have problem with that.
My everything yes is a problem for them ,
I?m sure I?m a burden to the whole world ?
Want to know my version why people write ?RIP? in there tombstone ?
Because that person who dies will let others Rest in Peace and wont disturb them up ever .
Lately I got selected from my college to represent it for the biggest college fest in my country as a pop singer,( I was shortlisted among 40 persons who gave the audition) I shared it with my mom, (who has learnt signing for 5 years but haven?t used it ever in her carrier) she said that I?m goanna make a fool of myself and I should back off, I argued, mom said she goanna leave the family in January, if I disobey.
I want to change my carrier , I?m tired of what I?m studding , these studies never go into my head , my parents said that what the society will say .
There is always a music going inside me , I don?t know why , but I keep on humming something or the other always , sometimes when I hum a lil loud they say that I?m mad .
Well okay , I?m mad , but I?m a human being , I can?t be a robot ,
I don?t know why they saved me, I was okay dying in the ICU when I was born, and I can never make them happy because I?m not perfect.
All my life they taught me to help people, and when I?m doing it, they blame that why are you helping others help yourself.
I still remember that day when my class 12 final exam results came out , I got 5 marks less than 80% (which is fairly good In my board of education) but I failed in my additional subject Applied Mathematics (I wanted to take computer science as my additional, but literally my parents forced me to take this subject as they thought that I can do good, because in the previous exam I got a 85 in Maths)
My mom slapped me after seeing my result , well that was her first reaction.
Do you think that I can ever forget that?
I went to a councillor long ago , she told me I need to love my parents , I don?t love them so that?s why these problems are coming .Well I don?t know what to say.Another time I slipped amd fell from stairs as it was slippery somehow, I remember my mom did come but slapped me up hard before helping me to get up, her saying was that why I'm not careful to take care of myself. Well I'm trying to forget them but I cant.
I?m just waiting one day that the pain will exaggerate that I will just fall of the cliff , just give up everything . I cant fight alone , I have nothing left literally nothing .I was suicidal for atleast 3 times this month .
If there anyone out there my friend , if you can help me out , I beg you do something , I can?t I simply can?t do it . Please .
Thank you
Love
Down
I'm super sorry about the circumstances it seems as though sometimes your parents were very successful in your upbringing but in other areas not so well. :/ In my opinion it's totally okay to express your self with poems, songs, whatever. Those are just some simple waysto deal with how you feel without resulting to something dangerous like self harm, etc. I'm sorry about the emotional and physical scars from you're parents trying to make you into something. From experience, you have to figure out a way to let those feeling go. Perhaps a better too say is to forgive them but never forget. I would really like to give you a sign that you're not alone and that you can make it. I offer my friendship too you (: it's not much. In trying times though friends {or anyone who understands you} can make the situation a lot better. I hope things get better, I really do. Please take care darling because your life really matters, okay?!
Hey I'll be always here for you. You are not alone you'll always have me. You are a role model for me I told youbso many times you are really strong and even when you are tol tired to go ln fighting you try again and help others and that makes you a beautiful person. Please when you need whatever just PM me I'll always be here to help you. If you feel tired of fighting I'll give you reasons to stand up again.The world need people like you sweetie, strong and powerful. You ara amazing no matter what. If others think you are not, show then that they are wrong. You are so mch better than anyone who ever told you you were not. "What makes me strong is them telling me what I can't be". You are wonderful and here you have a shoulder where you can cry. I will hold you and help you to go all the way to happiness. I'm sorry that you have been in that horrible situation. I'm still here. You can ALWAYS count on me. @down
Thanks:-)
The life you have described is not what you deserve. I was brought up in a similar household. For me, I felt a little better when I realized that my mother had failed me miserably. A mother's only job is to ensure that he child feels safe and loved. Your mother has completely failed in this duty.
In my life, I later understood that my mother treated me the way she did, in part, because she had been sick. This made created a conflict inside, as I naturally had empathy for people. This conflict ended as soon as I also understood that when she decided to become a mother, she also was responsible for making sure she could me me what was necessary for me to grow into a happy man. She not only failed me through her bad behavior, but she failed me twice by not getting help. I am not suggesting that your mother is sick, but whatever excuses you are giving your mother for the way she is behaving, stop. She, not you, has completely and utterly failed you.
Understanding this does not mean that you don't love her. You can love someone even when they are wrong. Your mother is as wrong as it is possible to be.
I don't have a solution for fixing your mother's behavior, but you will feel better about yourself when you understand that she is a horrible person. You are her child, she owes you safety and love.
So what do you do with this knowledge? I'll tell you what I did. I had a lot of empathy for my mother, but I never forgave her. Not even on her deathbed. I didn't hate her. There was no point in that, and at some level I still loved her. But for me, if could not forgive her terrible failure without somehow feeling that this was an admission that what she did was okay. I understand what forgiveness truly means, and that it does not require an admission that the person deserved forgiveness. Your mother does not. If you want to give it to her, of your free will, because you are a healthy, giving, empathetic person, then give it. I never did, and that was good for me. You may want to. Do it. And then understand that she is still a horrible person. And her failures as a mother and a human being do not need to bring you down. If she is unwilling to fix herself, then she can live the rest of her life miserable. That is her choice. You have the power to chose to let her carry her own burden, and let yourself off the hook for her failures.
FYI, it is interesting that though we shared similar mothers, I ended up cherishing good women. I absolutely adore and worship a woman who knows how to give love and safety. I love them back 10 times as hard, and it has made my life wonderful (and theirs 
). But I do not cherish women (or men) who behave like your mother. They may have my sympathy, but if they are adults, and choose to continue to behave like they are, no matter what their circumstances are, they do not get my forgivess, and I do not let them have any impact on my life. Maybe you can consider this and a possibility for you. If your mother had given you the safety and love you needed, would you love her? Yes. Given the words you use, I would guess you would have loved her like no other person could have. When you find a woman who does give you that love and safety, and there are many many many such beautiful women out there, maybe you will give them the love they have earned and deserve. You might surprise yourself, and by doubly surprised at how good it makes to feel to cherish a woman who deserves your love. Your mother does not.
Lastly, a quick thought about the BDSM. Try not to label yourself so young. You may feel inclined to join a sub-culture, group, whatever, because they give you the approval your mother choose not to. But they will not (no group will, no labeling yourself will). And equally important, I kid you not, but in my experience, at your age you are checking out all of sexuality. What is interesting today may not be interesting tomorrow. I am not saying there is anything wrong with BDSM, just that you labeling yourself forever and ever as a part of this culture, especially given your need and right for approval, may not be the wisest thing when you could change your interest in that group next month.
I truly wish the best for you. You have been seriously mistreated, and your mother is a horrible person who has completely abandoned her motherly duties. Shake off any bad feelings that she is placing on you. Let her suffer the misery of her own misery. It is not, and does not have to be yours.
Thanks for taking the first step and asking for help. You are already a better adult than your mother. Take care.
Well that's my story !
Thanks everyone for being so much supportive ! I love you all!
I love my parents , and it is because of them that I'm still living , They have helped me more than anyone . you know I was dying in the hospital and if it was not them then I dont know what would have happend .Im sorry ! that I became overwhemled with my life and wrote everything out ! My moms still grieves at the death of her first child , My brother , I think because of this , she just wants me to be perfect . And thats where the conflict lies lastly if my mother ever reads this post i want you to know that MOM i do love you !
Hey there! I just wanted to let you know that you are incredibly strong, and I am so proud of you for fighting hard and having the courage to open up about it.You do not deserve to be treated like that, though, and I'm so sorry you had to experience that. And I know that sometimeswords just aren't enough, but that's all I can give you through a computer screen. If I could hug you I would. (: But know that you are never alone, and you are loved no matter what. It's hard to see the light sometimes, and it can get so dark that all you can see is nothingness and you feel alone. But there will always be a hand to grab, and light will come. Hang in there?you're a fighter.
Thank you @freedom lights , I believe you you ! and *hugs*