fairmindedSpring9563 Member Profile

...See more Hey ya'll So I posted ta similar thread to this on the bisexuality forum and got good feedback from one of the members but naturally I had a few follow up questions and no one has got back to me. I understand but I just found this forum and looking through the posts I see this has more discussions on sexuality. This will be long so I completely understand if no one has the time to respond, jsut thought id put this out there anyway. I am a 30 year old woman who is a virgin (never went on a date, kissed or anything) because of a lot of personal issues. This just dawned on me recentlly because I have spent a good month analyzing my sexual orientation and learning about labels and researching sexuality. I guess you could say that I have issues with the idea of being in a relationship, it feels suffocating and as I have a low libido when assessing my feelings for real people I have zero desire for casual hookups. This month I also realized that I am attracted to men that I interact with but do not really care to act on this attraction because of my low desire for casual hookups and to form a relationship. I have assessed my feelings for women I interact with and I cannot identify attraction. The best way to describe it is that at best if I ever notice a woman it'll be because I l like her clothes she is wearing, with men its more "he's good looking in a dateable way". So thats my feelings around real people and thats a good sum of of how my feelings have been around real people my whole life. Now where it gets complicated I realise that having been exposed to lesbian erotic content and porn at around 14 years old, I always related to this because straight porn felt aggressive and looked painful. I on and off watched lesbian porn and then lebain erotic movies for say the past 15 years (generally there is like 7 or 8 years between 16 years old and 23 where I didnt watch lesbain porn but I just use 15 to just show that there is a pattern there). When I watched such content it would be arousing. When I resumed watching lesbian porn (maybe once a year between 25-29 years old but this was not every year in that time period, again just an estimate) I would then have thoughts about what I watched whillst awake in my bed, mainly it was about being with a womans exually. It was arousing but never led to orgasms. Last year I started analyzing why I had this history with lesbian porn and erotic content and what my sexual orientation is and then I developed an obsession over this topic. I then started to watch lesbian porn more frequently and then had my first orgasm to lesbian thoughts. This then led to an addiction to achieving orgasms through this way. Now my questions are: -Despite the time length of my lesbian porn use and then having this influence me to have lesbian thoughts of making out with a womans exually (thoughts would occur without watching the porn) I still feel no attraction or desire to experiment with a woman. Does anyone know what this means in makes me bisexual (which btw I am cool with calling myself). -I notice repeatedly that if I stop watching the lesbian porn, the lesbian thoughts also fade away naturally. If I am bisexual how can I explain that my lesbian thoguht only occur when I have watched enough lesbian visuals to motivate me to get to the point where I am abe to go away and start having thoughts of making out with a woman to help me achieve orgasm. So my lesbian thougts only occur in this situation. -I have only achieved orgasms through thinking of women as I explained above but despite being very aroused by thoughts of men (that I do not need to watch anything to motivate me to think about) I find it difficult to imagine what such a hysical enocunter would feel like due to the different biology of men and woman. Does orgasming to thoughts of women but not men mean I am bisexual? -When I was around 14 I was chatting innocently with a teen girl on a teen chat forum. She then turned the conversation by asking if I would like to engage in a sexual chat (no pictures, videos-just text). I said yea and we had a sexual chat lasting a few minutes. This ended and I never went back to it again. I forgot all about it and only remembered this when starting to wonder about my sexual orientation. Also an fyi, not sure how helpful this is but I have had maladaptive daydreaming for a long time now. Since I was a teen. I seem to have a tendancy to form a seperate mental life than my actual life. For example, I started daydremaing of being an actress since I was a teen. I have had those thoughts for well over a decade. I dont actually want to be an actress but I use daydreaming to get away from dificult emotions but now its hard to break because it is a habit that has for so long be logged into my brain and brekaing the chains is alot of hard work. I know thats alot. The thing is my story as you can see if very complicated. I went to another lgbtq forum recently and people said I was bisexual with a leaning towards women (which is fine with me) but when I asked follow up questions like so what one thinks about that does not connect to how one feels around real people defines sexuality? It seems they have gone silent (which is their right), I just am not sure how explaining I was bisexual based on lesbian thoughts that only occur after I watch porn and then disappear after that is going to work. Surely, attraction includes feelings one has for real and existing people, no? If anyone eads this long tirads, gee thanx. I'm in a mess right now because the confusion isn't a cool thing to deal with.

Bio

Recent forum posts

Talk to an expert therapist

Therapy is a worthwhile investment in yourself. I know it may be...

About Us

Get Started

Online Therapy

Terms

Bio