30 year old female who is a virgin -if you read this then thanx because it complicated.
Hey ya'll
So I posted ta similar thread to this on the bisexuality forum and got good feedback from one of the members but naturally I had a few follow up questions and no one has got back to me. I understand but I just found this forum and looking through the posts I see this has more discussions on sexuality. This will be long so I completely understand if no one has the time to respond, jsut thought id put this out there anyway.
I am a 30 year old woman who is a virgin (never went on a date, kissed or anything) because of a lot of personal issues. This just dawned on me recentlly because I have spent a good month analyzing my sexual orientation and learning about labels and researching sexuality. I guess you could say that I have issues with the idea of being in a relationship, it feels suffocating and as I have a low libido when assessing my feelings for real people I have zero desire for casual hookups. This month I also realized that I am attracted to men that I interact with but do not really care to act on this attraction because of my low desire for casual hookups and to form a relationship. I have assessed my feelings for women I interact with and I cannot identify attraction. The best way to describe it is that at best if I ever notice a woman it'll be because I l like her clothes she is wearing, with men its more "he's good looking in a dateable way". So thats my feelings around real people and thats a good sum of of how my feelings have been around real people my whole life.
Now where it gets complicated I realise that having been exposed to lesbian erotic content and porn at around 14 years old, I always related to this because straight porn felt aggressive and looked painful. I on and off watched lesbian porn and then lebain erotic movies for say the past 15 years (generally there is like 7 or 8 years between 16 years old and 23 where I didnt watch lesbain porn but I just use 15 to just show that there is a pattern there). When I watched such content it would be arousing. When I resumed watching lesbian porn (maybe once a year between 25-29 years old but this was not every year in that time period, again just an estimate) I would then have thoughts about what I watched whillst awake in my bed, mainly it was about being with a womans exually. It was arousing but never led to orgasms. Last year I started analyzing why I had this history with lesbian porn and erotic content and what my sexual orientation is and then I developed an obsession over this topic. I then started to watch lesbian porn more frequently and then had my first orgasm to lesbian thoughts. This then led to an addiction to achieving orgasms through this way.
Now my questions are:
-Despite the time length of my lesbian porn use and then having this influence me to have lesbian thoughts of making out with a womans exually (thoughts would occur without watching the porn) I still feel no attraction or desire to experiment with a woman. Does anyone know what this means in makes me bisexual (which btw I am cool with calling myself).
-I notice repeatedly that if I stop watching the lesbian porn, the lesbian thoughts also fade away naturally. If I am bisexual how can I explain that my lesbian thoguht only occur when I have watched enough lesbian visuals to motivate me to get to the point where I am abe to go away and start having thoughts of making out with a woman to help me achieve orgasm. So my lesbian thougts only occur in this situation.
-I have only achieved orgasms through thinking of women as I explained above but despite being very aroused by thoughts of men (that I do not need to watch anything to motivate me to think about) I find it difficult to imagine what such a hysical enocunter would feel like due to the different biology of men and woman. Does orgasming to thoughts of women but not men mean I am bisexual?
-When I was around 14 I was chatting innocently with a teen girl on a teen chat forum. She then turned the conversation by asking if I would like to engage in a sexual chat (no pictures, videos-just text). I said yea and we had a sexual chat lasting a few minutes. This ended and I never went back to it again. I forgot all about it and only remembered this when starting to wonder about my sexual orientation.
Also an fyi, not sure how helpful this is but I have had maladaptive daydreaming for a long time now. Since I was a teen. I seem to have a tendancy to form a seperate mental life than my actual life. For example, I started daydremaing of being an actress since I was a teen. I have had those thoughts for well over a decade. I dont actually want to be an actress but I use daydreaming to get away from dificult emotions but now its hard to break because it is a habit that has for so long be logged into my brain and brekaing the chains is alot of hard work.
I know thats alot. The thing is my story as you can see if very complicated. I went to another lgbtq forum recently and people said I was bisexual with a leaning towards women (which is fine with me) but when I asked follow up questions like so what one thinks about that does not connect to how one feels around real people defines sexuality? It seems they have gone silent (which is their right), I just am not sure how explaining I was bisexual based on lesbian thoughts that only occur after I watch porn and then disappear after that is going to work. Surely, attraction includes feelings one has for real and existing people, no? If anyone eads this long tirads, gee thanx. I'm in a mess right now because the confusion isn't a cool thing to deal with.
@fairmindedSpring9563
Heya there ^-^ sorry you didn't get a reply earlier D: but I'll try to answer all your stuffs hehe :p Okay so first off it is possible to be aroused about certain situations or people and still be 'picky' we could say about the people you would do stuff with when you say about not really wanting stuff with women, personally I have the same kind of feelings about guys, but I would still say bi, but a strong preference to women over guys instead :p
With the whole lesbian thoughts only occurring for ya when you have that stimulus could relate to the fact you sought it out, like it was a very low desire but was still there maybe? And you just needed that to help arouse yourself as many people need many different things to arouse them/different things will do it more than others, such as some people might need a lot of sexual talk to get in the mood whereas someone else might need physical touching, ect.
With the question about orgasms, there are tons of different things that can help you or not, such as how aroused you are, how comfortable a position you are in, the specific method you are using (which for a woman such as yourself there can be a different between vaginal penetration, or stimulation of the clitoris for example), it is possible that doing stuff yourself the stuff about women is better for you, but maybe if it was a physical situation with a person men would be better as you feel arousal to them more easily.
About the whole porn thing you said while being a virgin, porn is not a good analysis of how things may be for you. It's entertainment not a documentary we can say :p penetrative sex can be a little painful at first but you can get more used to it with time, and it depends on you and your sexual partner and how you decide to do it, you could take it very slowly and gently if you wanted to. You have no obligation for it to be rougher if you with it to not be so.
I hope this helps out a lot :p *huggles* <3 as a little tldr for ya, a lot of things here can depend on each situation heavily and being bi is possible in many scenarios based on preferences, maybe if you have a physical relationship it'll be easier to figure out. Maybe you can try the heterosexual porn again since you didn't say you did since having lesbian porn work. Your low libido can maybe play into this a lot, and as a side note, some woman have difficulty achieving orgasm in general and maybe you could just be one of them, anyhoo if you wanna get back to me with more questions or whatcha think I'll be happy to talk more ^-^ <3
@Keanan
Cheers for taking the time to reply keanan, I am truly grateful. To be honest, wasn't really expecting a reply as its a long story but maybe just getting it out there was detoxing in some way.
The thing is my issue is really less about trying to work out how I really feel around actual people in flesh (it's clear to me that my lesbian fantasies do not crossover to any real attraction to women in flesh) but its more about trying to undrstand if I should base my sexual orientation on who I am actually attracted to in real life (meaning when aroun actual people in flesh) or if I should base it on my inner world (my long history with lesbian sexual videos and then switching it off to fantasize about making out with a woman and the fact that I am ony able to orgasm to such thoughts but if I dont watch videos online (porn or eroic movies, I do not have lesbian fantasies as this is the only context in which they arise)). Because the inner and outer world do not allign my situation is very complex so finding label that works for me is not easy.
At this point its turned into an obsession and I have been really unwell mentally due to th stress this has caused me largely in part due to other lgbt/straight forums telling me that I am bisexula or more likely a lesbian. I am fine with these labels, the labels alone are not casing me stress but its working out how people have come to that conclusion because I do not desire real women and never have. I can't force myself to be attracted to women despite my inner world (lesbian fantasies, only being able to orgasm to lesbian fanatsies). When I go on to explain to lgbt/straight forums users that despite the time length of those lesbian fantasies and orgasms to only thinking of women I have never desired to be with a woman or felt attracted to women at all they go on to say that I am in denial about not being attrcated to women in real life so its just all very draining because how can I be in denial if I dont feel or care anything for real women in actual flesh? I was also told because I am a virgin my fantasy life=my sex life so I am bisexual/lesbian and that straight women may fantasize over porn but do not swtich porn off and then fanatsize about it after like I have done and then even if they are virgin they don't go on and only orgasm to thoughts about women (I have been aroused thiing of men but can never orgasm to be honest).
At this point, I have just given up asking others for help because its seems its been the catalyst for developing mental stress and confusion.At 30 years old, I should have life figured out and in so many areas of my life I do, I just have stumbled on an area I know very little about and have experience in (sexuality) and didnt expect so much confusing feedback, I thought understanding labels and how they would apply would be so easy. But wow! The confusion developed from those (on other forums not this one) who are very strong in putting forth their opinions and who claim to know quite a bit on the topic has been draining. Sigh, I really appreciate your time but maybe I just need to accept that I am strange and that others aren't able to relate. Since I wont ever date my thoughts, maybe its best I just focus on who I am attracted to in actual flesh and ignore everyone else' very bizaare feedback.
@fairmindedSpring9563
strange doesn't have to be bad :p *huggles* :3 <3 how about calling yourself bisexual becasue you could be, just feel different in different situation but feeling of both are still present some time in life, does that sound good for you as a choice and a reason why? :p <3
@Keanan
Can I ask how you define biexuality? Because I think from what I am gathering everyone is using a different definition for these labels. Do you hold the position that what you fanatszie about but do not want to make actually do and make real defines your sexual orientation?
From my research of bisexual and what I think the average person understands bisexuality to mean is having attraction to both men and women who atually exist (not thoughts) If we take this understading of bisexuality, I am not bisexual because I do not feel attraction to real women (women who exist in flesh). If you personally take the position that what we fanatzie about does make up our sexual orientation then yea I guess I can see why you think bisexual is the appropriate label but I am personally not at ease using labels that do not fully reflect how I feel around actual people (I have zero attraction and desire for women in flesh so using labels where I have to explain "ony in my thoughts as a taboo thing" not only is strange way of identifying myself but I don't think the average person is defining their sexual orientation based on whats going on in their head that they do not actually want to do in action). To be honest, this is more a long term lesbian fetish/kink that it is anything else and maybe there's a way of identifying that is reflective of this.
@fairmindedSpring9563
oooh I can see your confusion there, but personally I would still call it bisexuality as I define that as there being some sort of sexual attraction/desires/want for both males and female in some capacity :p if you are happy in this definition also you can say that would be the one for you. It fits to your situation in the way that you do have desire for both in some fashion even if it's in very specific situation but that's jsut my two cents, it's up to you to decide now ^-^ *huggles* <3
@Keanan
Thanks Keanan for your time and just talking about this has helped so kudos to you for being super helpful.
In the end, yep it does come down to me. I have given the bisexual label a thought and weighed up the various ways people define it and pondered on the fact that as I am now ( a day in) on a no porn journey that means I have stopped having lesbian fantasies as my lesbian fanatsies only show up when I watch lesbian porn. Considering this my life pattern so far has been porn=no lesbian fantasies and now that I am quitting porn for the first time the bisexual may not be suitable for my current and future reality and so I will seek another definition because if I am no longer having lesbian fantasies because I quit lesbian porn then there is no same sex desire in either my fantasy life or real life. So yea, as complex as it is my issue is very complicated.
Cheers for your time on this and wishing you all the best..
@fairmindedSpring9563
no problem glad I could help ya out in whatever way I could :p feel free to come back anytime and even tag me if you wanna talk more about your progress or about any new development, anyway for now I wish you the best of luck, seeya *huggles* <3
@fairmindedSpring9563
Hi there. You have my condolences in regards to your situation. Being a virgin in the 21st century is pretty challenging. I just signed up to this site, cuz I need somewhere to vent. I figure piggy-backing this post might be better than starting a new thread. Even though my situation differs from yours. I am hoping as a woman, you can provide me some insight, and feedback on my situation.
I am currently a 35 year old male virgin. I have no romantic notions about my situation, and being a virgin was never anything I ever aspired to uphold as a virtue. I am honestly very ashamed and embarrased about how I ended up like this. I am constanting trying to validate to myself that I am a 'real' man and not a piece of shit loser. Social anxiey has crippled me significantly during the earlier part of my young adult life. Now in my thirties I am managing to battle through these anxieties and am gradually building a career in education. Overall, I am much better off than I was in my twenties.
Unfortunately, I live in a small rural town, and my virginity status has already spead like wildfire in the four years since I moved here. It's always that elephant in the room. No one will directly bring it up to me in face-to-face conversation, but they speak of it in whispers...like, somhow I am too dumb to notice it, especially when they are whispering right in front of my face. Naturally this has erroded my reputation in town in many circles. Even local therapists think I'm a good laugh.
While you seem to exploring the possibility of alternate sexual orientations, my hetero-identification has been solid since I was six years old. I'm crazy about girls, and get stuck in this frustrating feedback loop of unrequited love. A few women at work in their mid-tewenties have attempted to help me out in the past, but never without spelling anything out direcly, which just annoys the shit out of me because I prefer direct and honest communication. I seem to have a knack for misreading social situations and what is expected in terms flirtation. While I am highly attacted to these co-workers, and was looking for a way to get the ball rolling, they seemed to always be trying to hook me up with one of the friends or some stranger who I wasn't attracted to.
There is in-built expecation too, it seems, that as a man, you need to play the numbers game or initiate exchanges, and talk a good nauanced game to garner ladies attention. All things which I have little respect for. The whole bar and club scene just pisses me off. I have a hard time seeing anything 'authentic' or legitimately connective occuring there. The conversations are also boring as fuck. Bottom line, I guess I am just one stubborn sonofabitch who doesn't know how to have fun. I feel like some naive dumbass from the 1950s transported to a disjointed a postmodern zoo in some distant Brave New World future. The hook-up scene is utterly alien to me. Smarmy smiles and slights of hand. I don't get it. SInce when is being a bitch and an asshole supposed to be attractive? Culture shock each time experience it. Also, shocking in its utter vain stupidity. Peacocks and gorillas is all I see. I know I am sterotyping here, but it seems an apt analogy in my subjective estimation. Personally, I feel sacred enough in myself to not resort to being something I am not. I can't pretend to be an Alpha Male doucher, If I am not a man who shares that life-philosphy.
Anyway, over time, my poor 20-something female collegues got frustrated and gave up on me. Not sure if they even respect me anymore. They hardly talk to me unless it has to do with a professional matter. Exchanges tend to be awkward, generally speaking. Last incident I had that really upset me was with this one coworker who left for another job. I hadn't seen her for a good six months. Then out of the blue she texted me and asked me if I would like to go on a double date. Stupidly, I assumed she wanted to go on a date with ME. Nope, trying to hook me up with some chick I never met. She wanted to be cupid. In hindsight, I should have given it a shot, but at this point I was so sick of all these blind set-ups, that I started to flirt with the ex coworker via text. I asked her if I could buy her a drink sometime. She responded with "I'd like to have a drink with you."
But then nothing ever came of it. She texted me later to see if I called this chick who I had never met. Which I had not, because I was being petulant about it. A few weeks later, I had too much to drnik at a friend's house. and the ex coworker texted me and asked if I wanted to go hang out. Man, I was sauced and very enotional. So I behaved like a complete dick. All this pent up frustration came out and I texted her "yeah i'll have a drink with you if you actually want to be a real friend." She then gave me a 'big fuck you back'
I broke down and cried in front of my buddy. It was a shitshow night. I apologized to her the next day. She shamed me first, and said it's all cool, but zero contact since.
Last couple situations have been weird. A few friends that were neighbors. One was a women from Brazil. I helped with her college work for 6 months. In that time I was trying to get closer, but there was always a wall or disconnect. Then when she later moved next door to me, she become more distant and doesn't even talk to me anymore. Feels like the only thing the friendship was built on was me helping her with her fucking homework. Then I have another neighbor who just used me to babysit her kid. We have a good neighborly thing going, but I could neve push it forward beyond that. Anytime I try to intiate hanging out for real, she blew me off.
I am not really mad at any of these women anymore, just sad and disappointed. Angry at myself, definately. I just feel like it is a matter of misunderstanding between parties, and different expectations that just weren't aligned. I obviously have a problem with women. I hate to admit that, given I feel like I get along with a fair share of them. Especially older women. Seems like I can have decent conversations and emotional connective points with ladies in their 40s and up. They make great freinds and confidants. But jesus, trying to connect with the 20s and 30s crowd is like trying to crack open a safe blindfolded with your hands tied behind your back.
I am very cerebral, and many of the ladies I am interested tend to be more on the the emotionally expressive spectrum. They don't talk philosopy or politics that is for certain. I am attraced to sociable extraverted women, so my complete opposite in many respects. Unfortunatley, it seems these ladies are usually not emotionally available.
Ultimately My virginity status taints my prospects. I mean, any sterotype is readily available for these women to draw on. Gay and mentally ill loner, seem to be the most easy go-to heuristics. I swear half the town is convinced I am gay and that I am too scared to come out of the closet. Funny thing is, they got the wrong closet. I'm stuck in the virgin closet.
Maybe I'm at a point where I should just be more open and honest about being a virgin. It just doesn't feel like a very safe thing to do as a male in this fucked up society. Maybe the women wish I was more honest about my virginity? Maybe they would have more respect for me? Beats the hell out of me.
I would gladly accept any perspective you could offer. I don't mean to be bitter and cyncial toward women. I'm just real worn down, and tired of having a broken heart.
@fairmindedSpring9563
If you want some good answers, go to 4chans /adv/ board.
@frankAcres4656
Thank you
@adventurousCrow7270
Are you being serious or sarcastic?