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Heads Up: Super long post because I feel like if I don't confess every single thought or detail I am lying or hiding something. I have severe OCD and feel like I have to say every little thought or motive I am sorry.
Okay, so basically, I feel as though this whole entire thing started the summer of my, the year before my senior year, so the summer right before my senior year. And I remember I was in Brazil with my boyfriend and I remember getting a call that my best friend was in a car accident and passed away. And I remember everything in my life just kind of paused and I felt like I couldn't really function much anymore. I remember having chronic dreams of him and just not feeling like life was real. I remember I wanted to go back home to be at the funeral and my boyfriend was kind of upset that I wanted to leave Brazil because I was visiting his family, because his family lives in Brazil. And it was hurting him that I wanted to leave early, but in my head, this kind of hurt my feelings because I felt as though my friend passing away was more important than anything at the time and I needed to be home to be at his funeral. And so I left Brazil and I remember just feeling like my boyfriend wasn't as supportive as I had wanted him to be. And this just kind of was ingrained in my head and really just hurt me a lot. And so that just kind of started everything that summer. That was one of the worst summers I've ever had. I just felt like not only did I lose one of my best friends, but my boyfriend and I got into a lot of fights because I expressed how I didn't feel like he was there for me and how I just felt like he didn't care about me as much as I thought he should in such a hard time for me. And we got into a lot of fights about other things, too. I don't know just because of how much stress we were both under, but basically we got into fights about our future then and just our values. And something that really struck a nerve with me was that I really had this feeling that I couldn't imagine being away from my family. I think this was just because of the shock of losing my friend. But I was like, I don't know if I ever want to leave Ohio where my family is. And he got really mad at me and told me that that was crazy because I had told him previously that I wanted to move out of Ohio. But I tried to explain that everything happening with my friend just made me realize that I really wanted to be close to everyone. And he basically told me that I lied to him and if that was the case and he wasn't sure how we should be together. And so I was like, fine, if you don't want to be with me because of that, then I guess we can break up. And so we basically broke up and I actually didn't think that he meant it because sometimes we would go through times where we would have these threats of breaking up, which I know isn't right or it might be seen as toxic, but we would always not mean it. And then we would just get back together literally within a couple hours. And so that's what I thought was happening here. But he truly acted like we were broken up. And then I called him and was like really confused. I was like, I don't actually want to break up with you. Like, I just feel like you're not understanding me and like not really here for me and like understanding how traumatic this is. And he basically was like, well, honestly, I've been thinking about it and I don't want to leave my family in Brazil. I want to raise my kids here and like all of this stuff. And so all of this happened. And this was another time where it just really felt like my whole world stopped. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat or drink anything. I lost a lot of weight just because I was so anxious about all of this and just felt so lost. He ended up deciding at the end of the call, he was like, but we can just be together anyway.
And so we were together. But in my head, I was like, but you were OK with like losing me. And so this just like really messed with my head. I think I was already in a very vulnerable time with everything. And not only did I lose my best friend, but I thought I lost my boyfriend as well. And so I was in such shock and just anxiety that I remember just not even knowing what to do. Even though we were together, it just felt like very different than in the past. He wasn't really trying to call me ever or like talk to me. He was still in Brazil. And I basically was just begging for him to want to like call or FaceTime me. And he said he was always busy and stuff. And then when he did come back to the States, he wasn't acting like himself. He was just very like to himself and not as like on top of me as he used to be. And this just really freaked me out and made me think that he didn't love me anymore and didn't want to be with me anymore. And I would bring it up to him and he would just get mad at me for bringing it up.
And then I remember going back to college and being in one of the most lonely stages of my life I've ever been in. I remember when I went, I was already having a rough time because my sister, who is also my roommate, had a boyfriend on campus. And she was hanging out with him all the time. So she was never in the room with me. So I was always alone. My best friend, who I used to room with, she was off campus now and living in her own apartment. So I never saw her either. And then a lot of my other friends were just very busy with schoolwork and stuff. And so I just never saw them. I felt fully alone and remember feeling like a weirdo. I remember going to classes and just thinking I was so weird because I had no friends and it was my senior year. So I looked like the biggest weirdo ever in my head. And I was so self-conscious and just knew that everyone probably thought I was weird. And so I started overthinking this and just every single day thinking and Googling what's wrong with me. Why can't I make any friends? I would try super hard to make female friends, but nothing would really stick or last. And so I just got really frustrated with this. I would pray to God to let me make new friends. I would go out of my way to try to start friendships and nothing really lasted with anybody. And I remember just getting super depressed and even being so ashamed because I would eat every lunch by myself in my room. And I just felt like the biggest weirdo and like such a loner. And so then I decided I had to try to make new friends. And then one day on campus, there was this guy who came over and just introduced himself to me and basically just told me like hi and introduced himself. And that was pretty much the extent of our conversation. He asked what my major was and then he left. And I really didn't think much of it. I was like, that was some guy. I mean, I live on a college campus, so you meet new people every day.
But then later on, he ended up following me online, which I thought was kind of interesting. He found my online after that interaction. And I think part of me deep down was knowing like maybe he has a crush on me because that's a typical move that a man will do when he has a crush on you. But I think the other part of me was like so alone in that time that I was like, oh, my gosh, like this could be a chance to make a new friend. Like I can finally make a friend, maybe, which I've been so much needing and wanting. And so he followed me online and I accepted it and followed him back. And then nothing really happened for a couple of days. But then one day I was posting this picture online of a Starbucks drink and was like, vote if you think that. Do you like cold or hot drinks better? Basically just voting or whatever. And he ended up sliding up on it and saying, Duncan is better. So neither. And I remember getting all excited because I was like, oh, my gosh, like he's actually talking to me like maybe this friendship will last. And I think in my head, I was just excited that that attention was even being given to me because I was so. So in a time where I wasn't getting much attention and my boyfriend goes to a different college, I barely got to see him. We would text and stuff all the time, but it just wasn't the same when you don't have anyone in person to hang out with. And so I ended up answering this friend and was like, oh, my gosh, like, no, like Starbucks is better. And basically just got to talking about Starbucks and Duncan. And I was like, oh, my gosh, like, I'll have to change your mind. Then you'll have to go to Starbucks. And I kind of said this because I really wanted somebody to hang out with so I wouldn't feel as alone. And I think that's why I said this, because this would mean that we would get to hang out. And he was like, oh, my gosh, yeah. Mind you, on my online, I have tons of pictures of my boyfriend all over. My profile picture is a picture of my boyfriend and I like he's broadcasted everywhere. Me, he's talking at home to I love him and stuff on there. So I knew that this man knew I had a boyfriend. And so anyway, I then was walking on campus and would see him again briefly. However, that weekend I did go home and I did delete the messages that he sent me about Duncan and stuff because I didn't want my boyfriend seeing them. Because my boyfriend has a very, very strict rule of me not having any sort of guy friends, even with my best friend that passed away. I wasn't allowed to see him the six months prior to his death or talk to him at all because he told me I wasn't allowed to talk to any men. So I missed all of this excitement of possibly getting a friend. I felt like I had to hide this new friend because I didn't want him seeing this and getting mad at me and telling me I couldn't have this friendship because I was so lonely and really just wanted a friend. So I did delete the messages, but these messages had literally no sort of flirtation. It was literally just a conversation about whether Starbucks or Duncan is better. I didn't talk to that friend that whole weekend. And then when I got back, I did follow up and was like just answering something about something he had sent me. And then later on that week, we would see each other and he would just talk to me. And I remember one time we were just messaging each other and he was telling me that he was bored. And I was like, well, I'm going to go study if you want to come study with me. And so he came and studied with me. And this was the first time we really, really talked, I guess. And I remember he studied with me a little bit and then he would talk to me. He asked me how my summer was. I remember I couldn’t hold anything in. It was like I needed to be asked this question to finally let everything out. I started crying which is not like me. I typically hold everything in especially to some random stranger that I know nothing about. I told him how my best friend passed away in a car accident and how I felt like my boyfriend wasn’t there for me throughout this awful time and how he didn’t let me talk to my guy friend prior to his death because I wasn’t allowed to have guy friends. I remember telling him this stuff because it was what was in my mind at all times. I also think I told him this so he would know I had a boyfriend, but also maybe in the back of my mind it was in hopes that he would comfort me a little and want to stuck around to be my friend because he is a guy and sometimes guys will be your friend if they think they might have a chance of your relationship is having some issues. This was just an in the moment intrusive thought though. I hadn’t planned to tell him all of this at all. It just came out. And then I couldn’t stop crying and I was so embarrassed. He gave me a hug goodbye and then left. I remember feeling bad for allowing him to hug me but I also have always hugged my male friends. I know he was just trying to comfort me. I remember texting him and apologizing for crying and telling him all that random stuff he never asked. He said it was fine and just hoped I was okay.
I remember he would message me on online about random things. He talked about playing basketball and I told him I would destroy him. I do think in this moment I enjoyed the fun of messing with him as I would with all my friends. I did wonder if I was doing this to be flirty and I still look back and hope that wasn’t why. I feel like in my head I had a fleeting thought that this could be flirty. I also had an intrusive thought one time to say “much love” in a joking way when I had made him pretend mad about something. But then I remembered how I had said this to my boyfriend when we had first started talking and he took this as me literally saying that I loved him and so I didn’t send this because I didn’t want him to take it that way. I got mad at myself then for even thinking of saying that. But I feel like I am naturally a very fun and bubbly person that likes to poke fun and I feel like that’s what people like. A couple days later I was getting coffee on campus and he saw me. He came over to talk to me and we just chatted about random things. I asked him if he was single and then tried to hook him up with one of my girl friends. He said yes and was willing to talk to her. I remember doing this to try to form a boundary so he knew I didn’t want him. But then I got nervous that he might stop wanting to be my friend. So then he asked me about my celebrity crush and I told him it was Ryan gosling. This is true but I also know that he had talked about theater and liking it and I felt like Ryan gosling has a similar vibe to him so I thought fleetingly in my mind that he might think he is my type if I say that and think that he has a chance and once again will want to stick around to be my friend. I never told him he reminded me of Ryan gosling. This was all just stupid intrusive thoughts. I just said my celeb crush was Ryan gosling. Then we planned on getting Starbucks after class. I remember texting my boyfriend throughout this time and still loving him so much. I do remember wondering if it was wrong to do this but I told myself that I am allowed to have guy friends. As long as I don’t cross any boundaries how is it wrong? I was raised that guys and girls can be friends. And before dating him I had always had more guy friends than girl friends. Things never got romantic with them. Strictly platonic. And I think a part of me was still so angry about him not allowing me to talk to my late guy friend. I was trying to be stronger in myself. So I got Starbucks with this guy. I remember on the drive there he actually told me stood about himself. I had never asked him anything about himself. Only told him about me I realized. I remember he asked me about my boyfriend. I told him about how there were still some issues and worries. I was also upset with my boyfriend because I was confused by why he hadn’t proposed when he had been telling me year after year that he was going to. I told this guy about the same concerns I had told my family and friends. I started crying again. Anytime I would talk about this I would cry. He touched my kneecap and told me it’s okay. I thought this was weird but didn’t say anything and just stopped talking about my relationship. Then we got Starbucks. He paid for it which I told him he didn’t have to. He then tried my drink that he had never had. I remember before offering it to him I thought about how I had let my old guy friend try my stuff so it wasn’t weird. Then I told him more about my girl friend I wanted to set him up with. I showed him pictures. He thought she was cute. I then remember he asked me more about my celebrity crushes and this time I told him Justin Fields. A football player. Completely opposite vibe of Ryan gosling. He then said “so you have a type” implying I like black men. And I just said “I don’t have a type”. I didn’t want him thinking he wasn’t remotely my type because then he probably wouldn’t be my friend. Then I remember I spilled some coffee on my hand and remember having an intrusive thought of “I wonder if he will notice and want to touch me to clean it off” and he did. I remember looking back thinking “why did I want him to want to touch me”. I think I just wanted proof that he really cared for me. I think I was so starved for care and being seen. I never said this out loud though. It was all in my head. Then we just talked about random things. And drive back. When we were driving back I remember looking at him and wishing instead of being in the car with him that I was with my boyfriend instead. I missed him. Then when we got back he gave me a side hug goodbye. I then remember going to my friends house and telling her I found her a guy. I lowkey remember hoping she didn’t like him. I knew that if they dated that he wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore. He would just want to hangout with her and I would be friendless again. I knew I would never date him, but I wanted him to be my friend so I wouldn’t be alone again. I remember having this specific fleeting thought in a moment that made me totally pull back and make sure I was being extra careful to not cross a line when I had a fleeting thought about sending him a text saying something like “I’m saving you for myself in case my boyfriend and I break up” in hopes to get him to stick around so that I wouldn’t lose this friend. I quickly shook my head physically and never even wrote that text. I knew that that would cross a line and I would be leading him on in a way that I knew was just to keep him around because I would never date him even if I was single. Then I went on to just have random conversations with him and the last convo I remember having with him was when I was talking to him about which girl on my softball team he wanted me to set him up with now that my one friend wasn’t interested. He said none of them were his type. I remember getting worried when he said that internally because typically when I ask men questions like this they say “well I like one of them but she’s taken” or something like that to indicate me. This made me wonder if he really wasn’t interested in me romantically which was a good thing but also made me a little worried that he wasn’t going to want to stick around. I am also very used to getting a lot of male attention. Especially when I was single I used to get a lot of compliments and validation from men. So I think I was so used to it that this just kinda shocked me and hurt my ego a little bit. But at the same time I was relieved in a way that he wasn’t into me romantically. I then remember my boyfriend surprised me on campus. I then was so excited. But scared he was going to see that I had messages with this guy and flip out in me. So I deleted them again. I felt guilty about having to delete them. Once again, none of them were romantic or flirty. But he would see I was texting another man and this would make him so mad. Even if I explained everything. I eventually though did text him about everything g that happened because I value honesty and never want to have secrets. I told him everything and he told me I couldn’t be friends with this man. So I texted this man and told him I couldn’t be friends with him anymore and blocked him.
