Did I Emotionally Cheat Guys PLease Help!
Guys I have been living in so much anxiety and fear for two years now that I might have emotionally cheated on my boyfriend. I can't stop thinking about it. Do you think I did?
@friendlyJar8691 I’ve been struggling with something for a while now, and I really need to talk about it. Two summers ago, I was with my boyfriend in Costa Rica when I got the devastating news that my childhood best friend, Jarred, had passed away in a car accident. The guilt and sadness I felt were overwhelming, especially because I hadn’t been in touch with him for a few months. I hadn’t responded to his messages, and I felt this immense weight on me because I had let my boyfriend’s discomfort with me talking to men, even old friends, prevent me from keeping that friendship alive. This issue has always been hard for me because most of my closest friends have been guys, but I wanted to respect my boyfriend’s wishes and tried to change for him.
After I left Costa Rica to attend Jarred’s funeral, my boyfriend was hurt that I had left, as we were supposed to be spending time with his family in Costa Rica. It felt like he didn’t truly understand the depth of my grief and the loss I was feeling. During this time, I felt so alone. My boyfriend and I fought a lot, and I tried to talk to him about how I felt like he wasn’t there for me, but his focus was on enjoying time with his family. That just made everything feel even more distant. Eventually, our arguments escalated, and, in a moment of emotional pain, I threatened to break up with him over a misunderstanding about our future plans.
The thing is, we had talked about living somewhere on the coast together, but I brought up that I wasn’t sure I could leave my family behind, especially after the death of my friend. I had this deep fear that something could happen to a family member in the future and I might not be there for them. My boyfriend’s reaction to this brought out all of my anxieties, and suddenly, the threat of breaking up felt real. But then, he actually agreed. He wasn’t sure how we could make it work anymore, and he said he wanted his future kids to be with his family in Costa Rica. That was the moment that really hit me hard—I could never see myself living in Costa Rica, and the idea of losing him terrified me. I couldn’t eat, I lost 15 pounds, and I couldn’t sleep. It was the lowest I’d ever been.
When he returned to the States, things were awkward. I felt like I had this deep fear that he didn’t want me anymore, even though he reassured me. At the time, I thought we were getting engaged that summer. But when he told me he wasn’t sure about our future, it made me question everything. I was still dealing with the grief of losing my friend, and now this fear of losing my boyfriend as well was so overwhelming.
Once we both returned to school, things were still strained. I couldn’t shake the insecurity. I felt alone and anxious, questioning whether he really wanted to be with me. My senior year of college was also really tough because I felt disconnected from everyone. My best friend had moved off-campus, and I barely saw her. My sister was dating someone, and the rest of my close friends had graduated. I found myself eating alone in my dorm, feeling like a weirdo or a loner. This loneliness and isolation made everything harder.
During this time, I began to notice a guy on campus who seemed friendly. I was lonely and just wanted a friend. He added me on ***, and we started talking, initially about something simple, like Starbucks drinks. To be honest, I couldn’t help but wonder if he was interested in me romantically, especially since I know from past experiences that some guys secretly have crushes on me. But I wasn’t interested in him that way—I just wanted someone to talk to. But I also knew that my boyfriend didn’t like me having guy friends, and I didn’t want him to get upset. So, I deleted the messages, but when I got back to campus, I started talking to this guy again. We ended up talking about studying together, and I was excited because I thought maybe I could finally make a new friend, someone who wasn’t involved in my relationship drama.
As I met up with him, I tried to make myself look nice, even though I wasn’t attracted to him. I just wanted to seem put together, especially since I was used to people finding me attractive. I wasn’t thinking about anything romantic, but I found myself enjoying the attention. I also began talking to him about how I’d been struggling—losing my best friend and the tension in my relationship. I think part of me might have wanted him to feel sorry for me, to be more interested in me as a friend, and maybe even feel some sympathy toward my situation, especially since I knew he might think there was a chance for something more. But even then, I wasn’t interested in him romantically.
I remember feeling vulnerable sharing my emotions with him. It felt good to get it off my chest, even though I knew I was opening up to someone I barely knew. I apologized afterward for crying, but he said he was just glad to listen. This continued for a while—talking, hanging out, getting coffee together. But the whole time, I knew I was walking a fine line. I was afraid that he might start developing feelings for me, especially since I was sharing a lot of emotional stuff. I was intentionally trying to steer the conversations toward me helping him get to know other girls, setting him up with someone else. I was trying to create that boundary, but I also realized that I might have been unintentionally leading him on by continuing to engage with him like that.
One time, I even texted him the softball roster, trying to get him interested in one of my teammates, all the while wondering if he liked me, or if he just wanted to be my friend. In hindsight, I think I was subconsciously seeking validation. I wanted someone to listen to me and give me attention because I was feeling so neglected in my relationship, but I didn’t want to break any boundaries.
Eventually, I told my boyfriend about everything that happened. I looked up online if it was wrong to have a guy friend, and I found advice saying that keeping secrets about such friendships could be harmful, so I decided to be transparent. I wanted to be honest with him, as I love him and didn’t want to hurt him. After our conversation, I cut off contact with the guy completely.
Now, I’m left wondering if I crossed a line. I never had romantic intentions with this guy, but I was emotionally seeking attention in ways that I know could have been unhealthy. I feel conflicted because I didn’t think I was cheating, but I also know I was walking a fine line, especially with my boyfriend’s feelings. Did I make a mistake, or is this just me overthinking everything due to my anxiety and insecurities?
This all happened about two years ago, but I still have so many questions about whether I did something wrong. I just want to feel secure in my relationship and clear up the confusion in my head. I would love to hear anyone's thoughts or experiences with something similar.
@friendlyJar8691
It sounds like you and BF do not communicate well... if he had ideas of living close to family and did not let you in on that until you were spending time there. That was not only keeping secrets but trying to manipulate you into what he wants. IMO relationships can get complicated when people do not communicate. Your friend passing away was a reminder things could happen and you are not sure you want to be in another place in case. it was about that feeling or if someone else had something happen and you could not make it back ...... not necessarily about the past friend. People so worked up about gf/bf not speaking or hanging out with people of opposite sex IMO are lacking self confidence and show little or no trust in their partner.
I think when we are not getting something we need like support and listening .... Finding someone who ACTUALLY listens and cares about what we are saying it is amazing and fun and addictive to talk to.
My partner sort of ( we live as roommates now after many decades ) could not even fake a decent conversation about feelings .... tuned me out so often and then acted surprised I was unhappy ..... I found someone who wanted to talk and LISTEN to me. did not matter if male or female to me but like you, I always had closer male friends. I do not feel bad about it.
The articles and books are all over the place on what is stepping over some imaginary line. it is over you were upfront about it had no plans to pursue anything romantic ......that is a sign you are committed. Trying to eliminate any possible competition does not make your bond strong....... it only says it is weak enough to not withstand a test/ storm.
You needed someone to listen and be there.
The truth is relationships are always changing as we grow and change and there may be confusion at times about if this person is really what we want or need. IMO there is no "ONE" and frankly time spent is NOT a guarantee or proof they were the best choice.
@toughTiger6481 Thank you so much for answering this! Do you think my mind going to this thought of "if he likes me and thinks there's a chance with me maybe he will be my friend" when venting about my bf problems crossed a line? I feel like that's my biggest dillemma. My intention was just to get this friend to want to be my friend and be there for me but I didn't know how else to solidify that friendship. I never wanted to be with this guy. I know it wasn't the healthiest way thiugh.
@friendlyJar8691
No thinking at any moment i wonder if he likes me or anything like that is NOT in any way a problem. I am a bit concerned to why you are stressing over what was an innocent friendship. I have had friends that wanted more but i did not I never once put that on myself.
you are questioning and feeling bad over nothing.
@toughTiger6481 thank you! I think I might have OCD tbh. I feel like in my head if my intention for telling this guy friend my concerns about my boyfriend was me trying to imply that we were rocky so that he would think he would get a chance with me if we broke up and then he would want to be my friend more to stick around. Like my brain literally wants to overanalyze every single thought or intention I had. Is that normal? Or like ocd/anxiety? Sorry if I sound insane.
@friendlyJar8691
We could all overthink and could go back and question our every move ..... but what does it accomplish ...i do not think trying to label it as OCD or whatever helps.
Simply put you had a friend you shared your life frustration with your BF maybe with school or job etc with them ... getting feedback from an outside person.
Even if a quick thought may have crossed your mind... your interactions with another person you are only half the conversation .... How the second person acts or reacts to you is based on THEIR thoughts ...... is NOT based on your passing thoughts or perceptions.
Most guys are not interested in a maybe and possible issues with jealous BF etc.... they would be MORE interested in you if you were truly single.
@toughTiger6481 thank you!!!! This helps a lot. I just get caught up in my thoughts and overanalyze and sometimes judge my thoughts as actions. So thanks for helping give me some peace of mind that I am not bad afterall.
@friendlyJar8691,
I do not think, based on what you shared, that you crossed a line.
You needed support, being heard, being validated and accepted, and your boyfriend wasn't there for you. In fact, he seems to be more focused on himself.
My now ex wife got emotionally close with someone else, long distance. I was mentally struggling and not there for her.
It felt like the contact she had with him replaced the emotional connection between her and me. That caused damage. The thing is, she started fantasizing about that other guy. So yes, she crossed a line.
You didn't. In fact, unlike my ex wife, you told your boyfriend, and broke off all contact with that guy. You should be proud of yourself for that. It requires inner strength.
@dukeofdearham Thank you so much for answering. I am sorry about your situation. I never fantasized about this friend. I just enjoyed having that support and didn't want to lose it. I think I was a little manipulative or my thoughts were a little wrong when i told this guy friend some of my relationhip concerns so that he would think he might have a chance in the future and stick around. But I knew I would never want to be with him. I just wanted him to want to be my friend. I know I shouldn't have had these thoughts tho... do you think this makes me bad, or a cheater? Thanks so much again
@friendlyJar8691,
nope.
@friendlyJar8691,
another thing, you should be able to talk with other men and stay in touch with old male friends. If your boyfriend has an issue with that, he should deal with it, and not make it your issue.
@friendlyJar8691
I am afraid my personal views might be opposite to some of those described above.
I think an inherent part of a promising relationship is exclusivity. It's one person to one person connection, with no family, and no current or past friends stuck in between.
I understand it also as simple prioritizing. For example, some moments you have to know who is more important for you - your partner of the past, or you current partner you are going to marry and have a family with?
I believe that is also about giving the "margin of error" for my partner. For example: Am I entitled to meet/date other women when my female partner is not around for 3 hours, 3 days or 3 weeks? My answer to that would be "no".
If that is going to be 3 years... maybe the entire concept of the relationship deserves to be thought over? Sadly, some relationships end not due to the lack of love, but because of purely practical reasons, like geographic distance or different visions.
I think one of the most important questions for a relationship is: Am I able to concentrate on this one and only person as my partner, without endlessly considering various "what ifs" or seeing other possibly attractive opportunities?
I know that sometimes we say that "it's just friendship", but there are days we might be really surprised with the results. Sometimes it may take not too long to make a fire out of a sparkle.
Maybe I am old-fashioned, but this is my experience...
@jacek73 hey thanks for answering! could you elaborate on this please! Thanks so much! I didn't go on a "date" or do anything romantic with this guy friend. i know i shouldn't have told him my relationship issues, but do you think I cheated? Thanks!
@friendlyJar8691
I would not call that cheating, but maybe you just need a lot of emotional support from men? What were your connections like with the men in your family: your father, your brothers, your grandpas?
It seems you feel comfortable opening up emotionally in front of men. Do you prefer male friends than female?
Once with my ex partner, who was very active in some community and had many male friends, I've repeatedly had situations when she told me someone had the right to spend time with her, to hug her, to take her hand, to keep a long eye contact with her, to walk to a dining place with her while I had to walk there alone... Every time I've heard something like "He has been my friend from 10 or 15 years, so he has some special rights".
Soon I started to wonder if I have any special rights in that relationship. I was tired of being permanently "a man no. 2" and not enough for her. Thankfully, we had both decided to breakup, and when it happened I felt a lot of relief.
That is why I am extremely careful with opposite sex friendships crossing ways with relationships. I think they are possible, but when the trust and connection between the partners are really strong. And that doesn't appear out of nowhere, it has to be built.
Just a traditional man's point of view. Take what you want and leave the rest 😉
@jacek73 hey! yes I would definitely say I gravitate towards male friendships more. I feel like I can open up around men more easily because they aren't as judgemental as a lot of women I have encountered. Ihave never held hands with a guy friend, allowed them to touch me in any romantic gesture or anything. the most i have ever had is a goodbye or greeting hug from them. i think like in the story that i wrote above, sometimes when i really reflect I see that the reason I am so easily able to open up to men is that I don't feel like it takes much to impress them. usually my guy friends think I am attractive and or have a crush on me and therefore no matter how insane or weird I am around them I know they will stick around. I don't have to impress them with my wors. as for women, I feel as though I say something and they get offended and or aren't easy to make friends with. i can see how what i did was manipulative and wrong, but i just hope it wasn't cheating at all. what do you think?
@friendlyJar8691
For me it's not a matter of cheating or not, but a question if you are ready to see yourself in the mirror of a single, deep relationship, or if you prefer to see yourself in several smaller mirrors called friendships.
Personally, I would not be interested in being a friend to a girl I am secretly in love with, while she is treating me as "just a friend". It's unfair. It's too bittersweet. And for me it can turn too dangerous both emotionally and physically.
Yes, being a single I've got a female friend, who became my pen friend after I moved to another town. But she's married, and our conversations never go to anything like flirting, and one day I realised she reminds me very much my cousin.
But I guess I would have to rethink my female friendships if I had a partner and any of them could make my partner feel uncomfortable.
I've also got some positive experiences with my female partner's male friends, who became my friends, too. But I think the key is to make it transparent and fair.
@friendlyJar8691,
you were not cheating.