Did I Cheat? Warning: Very Long Sorry My Thoughts are Intense

Okay so it started off when I was in Costa Rica with my boyfriend two summers ago. My best friend from childhood passed away in a car accident. This was very hard on me. I was really sad and felt so guilty because I had not spoken to him or replied to his texts the prior 3 months because my boyfriend told me I wasn’t allowed to talk to any other men- even my old friends because we both knew they had crushes on me at some point. For me, this has always been a sore subject as I have had many guy friends throughout my life. Most of my closest friendships have been with guys. But I respect my boyfriend and have tried to change in this aspect for him. I left Costa Rica for the funeral and my boyfriend was hurt that I left because his family lives in Costa Rica (we don’t see them much because we both go to college in the states and I am from here) and I was supposed to be staying there to be with them. But I had to go. I remember feeling like my boyfriend didn’t seem to understand how bad this was- losing my friend. I remember feeling very alone at this time and hurting a lot from losing my friend. Anyway, my boyfriend and I got into a lot of fights while he was in Costa Rica and I was home. I remember telling him how I felt like he didn’t care for me etc. I think a lot of these emotions just stemmed from losing my friend, and not having my boyfriend who is my main source of emotional support. He told me he was trying to enjoy his time with his family which I get because he rarely gets to see them. But we ended up just having a lot of tension and in the thick of my emotional pain from that I ended up threatening to break up due to a misunderstanding over our future. We had talked about living somewhere on the coast when we would talk about our future plans but I brought up how I wasn’t sure how I would be able to leave my family and how I might want to live in Ohio near them. I think looking back a lot of this had to do with me being so distraught about my friend’s passing and me being scared “what if something happens to a family member in the future and I am not here”. We brought up this (to break up) a lot in the past but never seriously. I remember he actually agreed this time. I told him no- that I was just mad because of his reaction to me bringing up living in Ohio and figured like usual we would just get through it. But this time was different. He actually called me and told me basically that he wasn’t sure how we would work etc and how he wanted his kids to be with his family in Costa Rica one day. This rocked my world because I could not see myself living in Costa Rica. I have never been in such pain as hearing this. I couldn’t eat. I lost 15 pounds and would not be able to sleep. It was honestly the lowest I had ever been in fear of losing him. I am not saying this to be dramatic- more so just to be honest and show how distraught I was and emotionally drained and felt the craziest I have ever felt in my life. We ended up being okay, but I had so much fear now. Prior to this I thought we were getting engaged that summer. I thought he was going to propose. Then this, where he wanted to break up. He would tell me how he didn’t but for the first time I wasn’t truly sure if he wanted me. He came back to the states and things were really weird. I remember feeling so bad as I had so much fear he would leave me. I was sad that we weren’t engaged yet too. Then when we went back to college (we go to different colleges) things were still very weird. It was like I wasn’t secure in knowing he wanted me. This made me feel so anxious and freaked out. I felt like I was annoying him being like this because I would bring it up all the time, how I didn’t feel secure etc. Then on top of this, this was my senior year of college and things were very different on campus. My best friend and old roommate moved off campus and I rarely saw her. My sister who was my current roommate was dating someone on campus and therefore was always with this boyfriend. A lot of my close friends graduated. Most of my teammates lived off campus and I only saw them at practice. I felt so insanely alone. I remember eating all alone in my dorm everyday. I felt like a weirdo, a loner, like there was something wrong with me. I had lost my best friend in the car accident and truly just felt like I had no friends to hangout with in person. I had my boyfriend to text and call but no one on campus to be with. I have always had issues with worrying about how I appear to the world. I didn’t want to be seen as some girl with no social circle- no friends. So I decided to try to make some friends. I would pray to God to help me make friends. Still nothing- all the girls on campus seemed to have a social circle already. After all, I was a senior and no longer seen as someone who needed to get involved with small groups to make friends. I remember trying so hard to talk to people, but nothing would stick. I’m a relatively reserved person until I get to know you, who has always kinda relied on other people to engage with me to become my friend. So it was weird for me to try to make friends. I remember one day I was walking to class when some guy that I had seen before introduced himself. He just asked my name and major- the typical stuff people do. Then later that day I saw he added me on online. I accepted this, thinking it was “interesting”. This might sound weird but with men I have always kinda assumed that when they do this they have a crush or something, but I also go to a Christian college so I was like “maybe he’s just friendly”. Anyways, time passed and then one day I posted a story about a coffee. Like which one was better and people could vote. I remember he commented saying that neither and that this one was better. I remember being happy that he commented because that meant he was like paying attention to me and remembered me. We started a conversation as I told him that the other was better etc. He told me that he had never had the one so I told him we had to go then so he could taste how much better it was than the one drink. I remember being excited thinking this was my chance to make a friend. I have always had an easier time making friends with men than women. Men are easier to make friends with. Usually if they think you’re cute they will want to be your friend. I figured this was the situation with him. That he probably had a crush on me and that’s why he was talking to me. I thought it was interesting though because online I have tons of pictures with my boyfriend of us kissing etc. So I wasn’t sure what his intentions were because he clearly saw I had a man. So I thought maybe he really did just want a friend too. Then I remember that the next day I was going home for the weekend. I deleted the messages and didn’t text him that weekend because I didn’t want my boyfriend to see and be mad saying I couldn’t talk to him or make this new friend. My boyfriend doesn’t want me to have guy friends and has gotten mad in the past if I texted any guy remotely. Then I got back that week and texted this guy again. He just asked how my weekend was etc. I was excited to have a friend on campus that I could hangout with maybe. Someone that would do things with me so I wasn’t alone. I was hoping he would want to be my friend. I then remember texting him and he asked me what I was up to. I just told him I was bored and studying. He asked if I wanted to study with him. I said sure and went to meet him. I remember getting ready to see him and I put some makeup on because I didn’t want him to think I was gross and not want to be my friend. I feel like when I meet someone new I want them to think I am pretty naturally like even women to think I’m put together. But also because I feel like men want to befriend pretty women more. I reflect on this and think I have a little insecurity on how I am viewed to the outside world, I care about looking nice and people thinking I am attractive as that’s something that I take value in. I am use to people calling me pretty and I sometimes think I let this need to be seen as attractive just for the confidence booster to get to me. I have often felt in my life that the only reason I have value or people want to talk to me is dependent on if I am attractive. I noticed a huge shift from going to my awkward teenage phase to when I became more attractive that suddenly more people liked me and found value in me. This made me feel like all my value came from being attractive which I know is really wrong and I have worked on,I then met with him and we studied. He asked me how my summer was and then I told him how it was awful because of losing my best friend. This was what was constantly on my mind so it naturally came out. Then I said how it was awful after that too because of everything with my boyfriend and I’s problems. I think I told him this partially because it was the truth, partially because I wanted him to know I had a boyfriend, and partially a little subconsciously because I wanted him to want to be my friend and thought maybe he would be more inclined in case he kinda liked me or had a crush and thought my boyfriend and I were having issues and he thinks he might have a chance (even though I know he doesn’t). I didn’t know if he liked me or not (like had a crush) but I just know a lot of my past guy friends secretly had a crush on me as they would admit it later and this was why they wanted to be my friend. I think that’s why i was like “well I really want a friend so even if it’s just a guy being my friend because he secretly has a crush at least I get a friend, I don’t care his intentions as long as I get a friend”. I knew that I didn’t find him attractive and would never want to date him so I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I knew I would never break up with my boyfriend for him or for anyone or ever cross a boundary in my mind that would be cheating such as flirting or anything physical. So I was like “if he kinda has a crush maybe he will want to be my friend more (nice yay), I can just make sure I never reciprocate that crush and it’s fine”. So then he just kinda told me that he was sorry and I was kinda crying without wanting to but talking about all that made me feel emotional. I felt bad for being so vulnerable especially to someone I legit don’t know whatsoever, but it was just a very hard thing in my life talking about summer as it was awful and traumatic for me. Then he gave me a hug goodbye I think because he felt bad for me for crying. Anyways he texted me and I apologized for crying and breaking down to him when he barely knew me. He said it was fine and he was glad to be there to try to listen. I remember thinking how he was probably just being nice and felt bad for me. Then days later he saw me getting coffee on campus and started talking to me. I remember being happy because I had someone to drink coffee with on campus. I didn’t look like a loner with no friends. We talked about random things, I told him about one of my girl friends that he could talk to. He told me about his family etc. He then told me about his celebrity crushes as I asked him what his type was to convince him to like my friend. He then asked me mine. I told him some random guys that I used to like but most of them I just made up because I wanted the conversation to continue and I wondered if he was doing this because he liked me or what. I just made sure I didn’t flirt with him in the conversation. Then I asked him if he wanted to get coffee after class. He said sure that he would pick me up. On the way there he just talked about random things like where he was from. He then asked how my boyfriend and I were doing. I told him about some of my concerns with my boyfriend. When I reflect I think once again I knew telling him this would possibly make him hope we would break up so he could have a chance, but I knew I would never break up with my boyfriend, so I didn’t think it was wrong. I figured if this meant he would be my friend given some false hope of a breakup coming then I would do it. I never said I wanted to break up with my boyfriend though. I just knew telling some of our issues might make him think that and then want to stick around me for a chance if he liked me. This is also me fully picking my brain for every possible intent or fleeting thought I had. I enjoyed having someone listen to me and give me their attention and feel like they cared for me. I would always tell him some issues and follow it up with “but I love him and can’t let him go”. Because these were true concerns. I just kinda got a little dramatic with them acting like these concerns were more serious to me that they really were because I knew I wanted to be with my man and marry him. But I am also known to dramatize things in order to keep the conversation interesting even with my female friends or family. (Something I have worked on a lot). I remember thinking about how part of the reason I had anger with my boyfriend was because I just wanted him to propose already because I just wanted to marry him already. I never questioned if I wanted to be with my boyfriend or not at this time. Anyways, I once again brought up my girl friend to him to make sure he saw that I was setting him up with someone. I was trying to show him the boundary again. I tried to see how he responded with this to see if he denied her, indicating he liked me. But he said he liked her. I remember being a little worried that if they started dating though that I would be in the same situation I was in before where he would go hangout with her all the time like my sister with her boyfriend and I would be all alone again with no friends to hangout with. This made me feel sad like I didn't want him to date her then. Not because I wanted to date him, but because if he dated someone then I would not have anyone to hangout with again. He paid for my coffee which I felt was a little weird but my old guy friend used to do that too. I remember sitting drinking coffee and I spilled some on my hand. He cleaned it off with his finger which I thought was kinda weird. But I remember kinda enjoying that he cared for me. I think I was craving human contact and care so much. I never found him attractive. He was honestly like the furthest thing from my type. He also gave me his jacket as we were leaving because it was freezing. I refused to put it on because I felt like that was restricted for my boyfriend. I just sat it on my hands in the car because I didn’t want to be rude to him. Anyways, I tried to set him up with another friend too. I remember wanting to have him and my boyfriend meet sometime. I wanted them to maybe become friends one day, I just didn't know how to do so without my boyfriend freaking out that I had a male friend. Anyways, I remember one time we were texting and I sent him the softball roster (I am on the softball team) and asked him which one he would want me to set him up with. I remember he said none of them were really his type and I was like “hmm maybe he really doesn’t find me attractive, interesting” because most of my guy friends would have been like “I like one of them but she has a man (indicating me). I remember being like “dang maybe I’m unattractive” because this is what I was used to (male attention from my friends), but then I was like no, I don’t want him anyways, that’s actually a good thing. Anyways, I told my boyfriend the following week about everything that happened. I had looked up online if having a guy friend was wrong and people kept saying that keeping it a secret was wrong so that's when I told him. I didn’t want to do anything wrong or hurt my boyfriend. I loved my boyfriend, I just really wanted a friend at this time to hang out with. I also remember thinking that if my boyfriend and I broke up I would never date this friend, but it would be nice to have someone there as a friend to be there for me. This guy friend was very unattractive to me. When I told my boyfriend I immediately stopped being friends with this guy. I noticed that I didn’t care that I was no longer friends with him- like it didn’t hurt me to cut him out of my life like I feel it would if I had romantic intentions or an emotional connection. I have so much fear because I looked stuff up and it said stuff about cheating. I never thought I was crossing the line into cheating so now I am so freaked out. Did I cheat or is this moral OCD? I feel the need to question every thought or feeling I ever have and try to figure it out. This happened 2 years ago. Did I emotionally cheat? i just feel guilty for the way i told this new guy friend some of my concerns with my boyfriend and our relationship problems knowing that this might convince this new friend to want to stick around because he might see my relationship is rocky and if he likes me or develops a crush then he will think he has a chance and i can use this to my advantage because he will stick around and be my friend more likely waiting for a chance? do you think this was wrong of me? I knew i never would date this friend i just wanted him to want to be my friend and not leave. I didn’t know how to get a friend otherwise.

I already know it was extremely manipulative and I feel awful about that. I know I was in the wrong, I just want to know if it crossed to cheating or not. Also, THANK YOU FOR READING THIS INSANELY LONG CONFESSION! LOVE YALL