...See more
My fiancée (24) and I (29) recently went through a pretty nasty breakup back in late November. We are engaged and have been together for four years. We had a really fantastic relationship for the longest time but within the last month (so beginning in October), it was almost like a switch had been flipped within her. Suddenly this girl who shared everything with me and who always had the warmest smile turned cold, distant, bitter and very depressed. She became highly critical of nearly everything that I did and each night our conversations would spiral into an argument and then she would either shut herself in our room or storm off and leave. It should be stated that we recently moved to a larger city (she has always lived in a small town and has severe anxiety), she just got her first real salaried job that is very high stress and demanding, her place of work is very dysfunctional, her relationship with her immediate family is not great currently, and she is taking college courses.
The breakup itself was just as nasty as the month that led up to it. I admittedly did not handle it well. I did the whole begging thing that is very unattractive and unbecoming of a partner. One of my first nights away from her I sent some pretty rude messages, too. It was not my best moment, for sure. My name came off of our apartment lease, I moved 75% of my stuff out of our place, we split our funds, I said goodbye to our cat and found a place of my own. For a couple of weeks, we contacted each other minimally. But then she started sending me texts. The texts were nothing profound or anything: she asked if I made it to work safely when our state got hit with heavy snow, she sent me a link to a discounted subscription to a magazine she knew I liked, she asked if I was okay after a pipe bomb went off in NYC as she knew that I was there at the time, etc. Little things, nothing big.
She knows where I stand on wanting to get back together. She knows that this has crushed me. I absolutely love this girl. She is my world. I have tried to sort through all of my emotions and I have tried to look at our relationship objectively. I have been going to counseling, I've tried to occupy my time in healthy ways, I have surrounded myself with a great support system of friends and family, etc. I just cannot get over how the greatest and most fulfilling relationship of my life came to what I think of as an abrupt end. I have my flaws but they very fixable. Did she leave me for someone else? Is she have a life crisis of sorts? Perhaps she has just lost all attraction for me? I have been so confused by this whole thing. All I know is that she has not been sharing any information with any of our mutual friends or with her parents. She has also seemingly not been going out. I do not know who her support system is or how she is occupying her time.
I was initially going to go no-contact but I couldn't. Perhaps breaking NC was a bad decision but it does not sit right with me to simply cut off all contact with someone so important to me when I feel that there is something that needs to be said. I would not apply that logic to any other relationship so why should it be applied here, I reasoned. I did give her space and I am still continuing to do so. But a week ago, I asked her out to coffee. We met up at a place that I took her for her birthday in September (her choice) and we talked for two hours and even went by a store afterwards to do some holiday shopping. Our conversation started off light with us just catching up, it turned to us joking a bit and then came the dreaded, "We need to talk" from her. My heart sank. She told me that she had been unhappy, that I had said hurtful things to her as our relationship started to unravel, and that she knows that I want to reconcile things. She then started to cry in the restaurant and said that she would be open to a reconciliation but that she needed more time.
I did not know what to expect that morning but I was blown away by her stating that she would be open to reconciling after more time as this is not something she has expressed interest in since we broke up. So I decided to write her a letter. It essentially stated my continued feelings for her, that any issues that we have are things that I am committed to fixing, that I am interested in reconciling, but that if she is not, all she needs to do is just tell me and I will let go so I can adjust to the new reality of a life without her and begin the healing process. I said that if she was still open to reconciling, that I would love to take her out to lunch or dinner--that there was no rush in getting back to me. Days later, she messaged me stating that she would be open to dinner some time after Christmas.
Long story short, she got the flu and missed work the week of Christmas. She reached out to wish me Happy New Year's on NYE. I asked her if she still wanted to go on a date and she said that she would 'check her schedule.' She has reached out to me off and on since then but never concerning meeting up. On the advice of her mother, I wrote her another letter further telling her how I felt and that I would love to take her out. A day after that, she reached out to state that she was "glad" that I liked a status of hers on Facebook. She also stated that she was not ignoring my letter, that she was currently in the process of writing a letter back to me. She said that she wanted to articulate it just right and that is was big and lengthy. I can expect it within the next day or so.
So... this is where I am currently. The only person I have ever proposed to, someone that I have given four years to, broke up with me a month ago but now is open to maybe reconciling with me and getting back together. She is either open to reconciling, she is very cruel or she is very confused -- or she is all of the above, maybe. I have honestly never been so devastated, hurt and confused about anything in my life. I know breakups rarely provide happiness and clarity on matters but this one really takes the cake for me, personally. I want to get back with her but perhaps that is also emotions toying with me. Who knows? It takes two to make a relationship work and perhaps only time will tell what she actually wants. I am just confused and very axious about what the letter might say. I perhaps have pushed for reconciliation a bit too hard but she did genuinely seem open to it. She has already done the hard work of breaking up with me. Why say yes to my invitations for dates? Why cry in the restaurant and say that she was open to reconciling?
