Fiancee broke up with me over a month ago -- attempts at reconciliation...but should I?

@funnyNickel1710

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

My fiancée (24) and I (29) recently went through a pretty nasty breakup back in late November. We are engaged and have been together for four years. We had a really fantastic relationship for the longest time but within the last month (so beginning in October), it was almost like a switch had been flipped within her. (There's a chance she has been exhibiting certain behaviors throughout the relationship that you probably felt it was familiar or normal, I do encourage you to take a closer look back from the beginning to now).Suddenly this girl who shared everything with me and who always had the warmest smile turned cold, distant, bitter and very depressed. (This can definetly make a man confused, unsure what to do, how to handle it. Things can get quite complicated when depression is involved. Did you try to get her to talk without solving her problems as you listened to her without interrupting her?)She became highly critical of nearly everything that I did and each night our conversations would spiral into an argument (This tells me she was starting to lose respect you, both sides felt disconnected from one another, anxiety took over so it lead to arguments and hurt) and then she would either shut herself in our room or storm off and leave. (She is not using adult communication here, this is what a 5-10 year old's do, but this could have been her way of communicating she was feeling hurt). It should be stated that we recently moved to a larger city (she has always lived in a small town and has severe anxiety), (Severe anxiety has to do with an insecure attachment, so her behaiors will be unpredictable at times, and often she will be in survival mode with flight or fight response). she just got her first real salaried job that is very high stress and demanding, her place of work is very dysfunctional, (She probably felt a lot of triggers at work, it reminded her of how she felt growing up. Did you get her to talk without solving her problems? Did you try to validate her feelings?) her relationship with her immediate family is not great currently, and she is taking college courses. (She can't handle stress well, not able to regulate emotions so often she will lash out. There's a chance she doesn't trust her family, or felt neglected by them so she will carry all of this into her relationship)

The breakup itself was just as nasty as the month that led up to it. I admittedly did not handle it well. I did the whole begging thing that is very unattractive and unbecoming of a partner. One of my first nights away from her I sent some pretty rude messages, too. It was not my best moment, for sure.(You lost emotional self control, you sent those rude messages as a way to pull her closer to you, but it end up in pushing her away). My name came off of our apartment lease, I moved 75% of my stuff out of our place, we split our funds, I said goodbye to our cat and found a place of my own. For a couple of weeks, we contacted each other minimally. But then she started sending me texts. The texts were nothing profound or anything: she asked if I made it to work safely when our state got hit with heavy snow, she sent me a link to a discounted subscription to a magazine she knew I liked, she asked if I was okay after a pipe bomb went off in NYC as she knew that I was there at the time, etc. Little things, nothing big. (This was an indirect/direct approach. She didn't want to put herself on a position to being rejected, so then took a different route to test the waters if you were interested in her, she was missing you, it would have been a good idea to ask her out on a date when she sent those messages first).

She knows where I stand on wanting to get back together. She knows that this has crushed me. I absolutely love this girl. She is my world. I have tried to sort through all of my emotions and I have tried to look at our relationship objectively. I have been going to counseling, I've tried to occupy my time in healthy ways, I have surrounded myself with a great support system of friends and family, etc. (You did an amazing job here) I just cannot get over how the greatest and most fulfilling relationship of my life came to what I think of as an abrupt end. (The main reason is anxiety, disconnection, communication, separated issues, negativty and a few others that contributed to the relationship I have my flaws but they very fixable. Did she leave me for someone else? Is she have a life crisis of sorts? Perhaps she has just lost all attraction for me? I have been so confused by this whole thing. (This can definetly be quite confusing, it would have been easier if she had told you. This is why communication is very important, its unfortunate she didn't tell you everything) All I know is that she has not been sharing any information with any of our mutual friends or with her parents. (She probably doesn't trust them?) She has also seemingly not been going out. (She is also isolating herself) I do not know who her support system is or how she is occupying her time.

I was initially going to go no-contact but I couldn't. (You felt separation anxiety, you were afraid she was never going to reaching out or that you could lose her). Perhaps breaking NC was a bad decision but it does not sit right with me to simply cut off all contact with someone so important to me when I feel that there is something that needs to be said. (The relationship has to be her idea now, if you stay on the background then she will not miss you, won't have the desire because she knows she will have you. It's why No-Reaching out first works perfectly, because it becomes her idea and its easier for things to start again once she reaches out first) I would not apply that logic to any other relationship so why should it be applied here, I reasoned. I did give her space and I am still continuing to do so. But a week ago, I asked her out to coffee. (This is not giving her space...giving her space means not contacting her until she contacts you first). We met up at a place that I took her for her birthday in September (her choice) and we talked for two hours and even went by a store afterwards to do some holiday shopping. Our conversation started off light with us just catching up, it turned to us joking a bit and then came the dreaded, "We need to talk" from her. My heart sank. She told me that she had been unhappy, that I had said hurtful things to her as our relationship started to unravel, and that she knows that I want to reconcile things. (She needs to first heal from those bad memories, it takes time for her to feel better about what happened. If you had let her contact you first then its a sign she would have put those bad memories to rest) She then started to cry in the restaurant and said that she would be open to a reconciliation but that she needed more time. (She was telling you what to do here..."I know you want reconciliation, but give me some time to think things through).

I did not know what to expect that morning but I was blown away by her stating that she would be open to reconciling after more time as this is not something she has expressed interest in since we broke up. So I decided to write her a letter. (This is not respecting what she wanted which was space and time away from you...) It essentially stated my continued feelings for her, that any issues that we have are things that I am committed to fixing, that I am interested in reconciling, but that if she is not, all she needs to do is just tell me and I will let go so I can adjust to the new reality of a life without her and begin the healing process. (The letter sounds nice and sweet, but its not going to pull her closer to you, it'll make her back away. You are trying to force things to happen here, she told you "I need more time", you are not respecting her wishes) I said that if she was still open to reconciling, that I would love to take her out to lunch or dinner--that there was no rush in getting back to me. Days later, she messaged me stating that she would be open to dinner some time after Christmas.

Long story short, she got the flu and missed work the week of Christmas. She reached out to wish me Happy New Year's on NYE. I asked her if she still wanted to go on a date and she said that she would 'check her schedule.' She has reached out to me off and on since then but never concerning meeting up. (She doesn't seem interested now). On the advice of her mother, (Be careful with family and friends advice, they might sound, but often they might give you an advice that will kill your chances with her. The first letter didn't work, so this one will not succeed)/ I wrote her another letter further telling her how I felt and that I would love to take her out. (Your anxiety, fear of losing her is driving you to do this). A day after that, she reached out to state that she was "glad" that I liked a status of hers on Facebook. She also stated that she was not ignoring my letter, that she was currently in the process of writing a letter back to me. She said that she wanted to articulate it just right and that is was big and lengthy. (It was not a good idea to sending this to her...you should only send these kind of letter to a woman who is your girlfriend, no someone who's an ex).I can expect it within the next day or so.

So... this is where I am currently. The only person I have ever proposed to, someone that I have given four years to, broke up with me a month ago but now is open to maybe reconciling with me and getting back together. (Its on her mind, but you are killing your chances by sending her letters, following friends and family advice, reaching out first, communicating your feelings too much. You need to stop doing these kind of things before she decides to not give you a chance). She is either open to reconciling, she is very cruel or she is very confused -- or she is all of the above, maybe. (You are not giving her space and time...you contact her and send her letter when you can't take it anymore...this will make her back away...) I have honestly never been so devastated, hurt and confused about anything in my life. I know breakups rarely provide happiness and clarity on matters but this one really takes the cake for me, personally. (Breakups are tough and hurtful, i know it can be quite overhwelming, but its important to focus on you). I want to get back with her but perhaps that is also emotions toying with me. Who knows? It takes two to make a relationship work and perhaps only time will tell what she actually wants. (Yes time will tell if she wants this relationship or not). I am just confused and very axious about what the letter might say. I perhaps have pushed for reconciliation a bit too hard but she did genuinely seem open to it. (You did pushed too hard for it. Anxiety will always have this signal that says "I need my partner or else I'll go through so much pain", so you reach out and send letters to reduce your own anxiety, so in here you lose empathy for what she wants which is "space and time". She has already done the hard work of breaking up with me. Why say yes to my invitations for dates? Why cry in the restaurant and say that she was open to reconciling?

She has been reaching out to me more and more. The tone from her has changed, too. For the last week, we have spoken each day through messenger. When she seems me online, she reaches out. At the close of our conversations when she has to leave, she always says, "can we do this some more later if that is okay with you like we are talking nwo?" She has also told me that she misses talking to me. She even told her mom that she misses what we had.

She reached out last night and told me that she has a lot to say to me and that I should expect a letter in a day or two. I told her that, if I am being honest, I have felt like a door is about to close which is sad because we are finally able to talk again. Her response to that was, "Please wait for my response before you begin to get worried. My response coming slowly shouldn't lead you to believe anything other than I am dealing with sheer chaos in every aspect of my life. I understand how this must seem and I do not mean to leave you hanging." When I said that she did not need to write anything down, that we could meet and talk about it in person, she said, "I want to and we will." For so long when we would talk, our relationship was something that we did not discuss; we are finally to a point where we address it openly. She has even begun speaking to her mom about us which she was not initially doing.

She is sending the letter this week and she has invited me out to coffee some time next week to talk in person. I am more hopeful than ever but still the confusion lives on.

Update:

I have still yet to receive the elusive letter and she apologized for this. She has is almost finished but would now rather just read it to me in person.

So she reached out a couple of days ago and said that she misses me. She misses what we used to be. She is not ready to get back to gether yet but she says that our daily talks are greatly helping her. She wants to meet me this weekend to have a serious talk. She is open to reconciling and wants to discuss that. She stressed that the meeting would not be a guaranteed precursor to reconciling but rather a catalyst for reconciliation assuming we are both on the same page.

I am still very confused about her.

This seems promising.