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helloBlackberry9858
2 148 M Embraced 1
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts24 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes13 Current upvotes13 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2026 Member sinceJuly 23, 2026
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Biggest Desperation
Depression Support / by helloBlackberry9858
Last post
 August 18th
...See more My biggest desperation is that I will never have any intimate relationship. I mean as partners. I use "desperation" instead of "fear" because this idea has moved past being a "fear" and become a truth I firmly believe in. I am convinced no one would ever even want to establish any sort of relationship with me. It's not that I'm afraid to admit or anything. It's a cold, hard truth ingrained in me now. It's not that I haven't met one. It's just that I am convinced that there will be no such person. Not even I want to stay with myself. I hate everything about me. If anyone magically wanted to get closer, which will never happen, I would just think that this person is deceived by part of me that she saw. Therefore, I would withdraw and remove myself from the situation because I would feel like I am guilty of lying to that person for them to think that I am good enough to be who they think I am, but I'm not. So I shouldn't be around that person. I shouldn't keep deceiving that person. I should leave as soon as possible. This has become a "should" and "shouldn't" instead of "want" and "don't want". I no longer even want to try anymore. Because my core is now wired in a way that I feel like I shouldn't try. It is only right not to, and this is what I am by definition. And it would sound like I'm just making excuses. Maybe I am, maybe I am not. I no longer know. I am desperate. Because this "logical" conclusion is making me feel terrible. My gut wants change, but my "logic" locks me in place. I am doing a tug of war with myself, and it's tearing me apart. 
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I see no changes
Depression Support / by helloBlackberry9858
Last post
 August 19th
...See more It's not a complaint. There's nothing to complain about when things get worse simply because I myself deliberately choose not to make a change. I just want to share a bit of myself. I cannot change. I cannot make the tiniest difference that matters. I choose isolation, and it would numb me, so that I stay in this terrible bubble with no one in it but myself, convincing myself this is where I belong. I want to go out, but I just cannot associate myself with any sort of happiness in this world. I wouldn't make friends because I feel like I shouldn't make myself known, because everyone else is going just fine with their life and I shouldn't intervene. I am not needed and shouldn't be needed anywhere. But of course it's *** I'm living in. I don't like this one bit. Not just the fact I'm in this situation, but because I know the right thing to do but just refuse to do it. I cannot rationalise the reason for this and it is driving me crazy, making me believe even stronger that this is what I am. I am destined to be like this, detached from the rest of the world, drifting in utter loneliness.  It's weirdly calm in a way. Because part of me is convinced that this is the truth. Just like the sun is always going to rise from the east, I am always going to be like this. This idea is already ingrained in me. That I shouldn't be part of anything. Even typing this is something I am forcing myself to do. Sorry if I wasted your time reading this nonsense. I just want to get it out somehow.
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