Biggest Desperation
My biggest desperation is that I will never have any intimate relationship. I mean as partners.
I use "desperation" instead of "fear" because this idea has moved past being a "fear" and become a truth I firmly believe in. I am convinced no one would ever even want to establish any sort of relationship with me. It's not that I'm afraid to admit or anything. It's a cold, hard truth ingrained in me now. It's not that I haven't met one. It's just that I am convinced that there will be no such person. Not even I want to stay with myself. I hate everything about me. If anyone magically wanted to get closer, which will never happen, I would just think that this person is deceived by part of me that she saw. Therefore, I would withdraw and remove myself from the situation because I would feel like I am guilty of lying to that person for them to think that I am good enough to be who they think I am, but I'm not. So I shouldn't be around that person. I shouldn't keep deceiving that person. I should leave as soon as possible.
This has become a "should" and "shouldn't" instead of "want" and "don't want". I no longer even want to try anymore. Because my core is now wired in a way that I feel like I shouldn't try. It is only right not to, and this is what I am by definition. And it would sound like I'm just making excuses. Maybe I am, maybe I am not. I no longer know. I am desperate. Because this "logical" conclusion is making me feel terrible. My gut wants change, but my "logic" locks me in place. I am doing a tug of war with myself, and it's tearing me apart.
@helloBlackberry9858
😔
You are lovable.
And deserving of letting someone in.
And being seen.
Truly seen.
And happy
But you are stuck in this negative and dangerous loop that is keeping you stuck.
It seems impossible now.
But you can work on changing this loop.
By resetting your mindset and how you talk to yourself and about yourself 💛
@helloBlackberry9858
I used to fear change... made logical excuses to why I should stay the same...
was it really logic? No............ in my case it was fear of change. What people do not like about change is it often it challenges their beliefs. When we let go of ideas we held so tightly to, we wonder what else is not as we see it. It is easier to just hold tight to ideas and beliefs.
Real change is being able to face our thoughts and beliefs and willing to change course. As for relationships I look around and see people missing items right in front of them while they are searching for some picture they have in their mind of who and how things will go.
Life is funny most of the best and lasting things in my life was NOT what I was hoping for or aiming at. Also time marches on regardless of if we sit and fight change or are busy looking for a specific situation that we will either miss great chances.