I see no changes
It's not a complaint. There's nothing to complain about when things get worse simply because I myself deliberately choose not to make a change. I just want to share a bit of myself.
I cannot change. I cannot make the tiniest difference that matters. I choose isolation, and it would numb me, so that I stay in this terrible bubble with no one in it but myself, convincing myself this is where I belong.
I want to go out, but I just cannot associate myself with any sort of happiness in this world. I wouldn't make friends because I feel like I shouldn't make myself known, because everyone else is going just fine with their life and I shouldn't intervene. I am not needed and shouldn't be needed anywhere.
But of course it's *** I'm living in. I don't like this one bit. Not just the fact I'm in this situation, but because I know the right thing to do but just refuse to do it. I cannot rationalise the reason for this and it is driving me crazy, making me believe even stronger that this is what I am. I am destined to be like this, detached from the rest of the world, drifting in utter loneliness.
It's weirdly calm in a way. Because part of me is convinced that this is the truth. Just like the sun is always going to rise from the east, I am always going to be like this. This idea is already ingrained in me. That I shouldn't be part of anything. Even typing this is something I am forcing myself to do.
Sorry if I wasted your time reading this nonsense. I just want to get it out somehow.
@helloBlackberry9858
You haven't wasted anyone's time.
It's not nonsense.
It's how you feel.
It's vulnerable.
And honest
And what you feel matters, but you do belong in this world 💛
@helloBlackberry9858
First, you are not wasting anyone's time. Anyone that reads your post in its entirety, does so because they want to know your truth.
The original reason I got very depressed was because of a very similar loneliness that you are sharing here. Thank you very much for sharing what is not only difficult to acknowledge but something so personal and hard for you personally.
I know how hard it is to fight the voice that says "you deserve this life." I also tended to just accept this is how I would be. I want you to know you are needed no matter how much that inner voice says otherwise.
Other people want to help you no matter how much those thoughts say to not make it about you, or to not intervene in their lives. They WANT to be there for you. Because they know how hard it is to do it on your own.
You are right this is your truth and how you feel. But you said you don't like living and thinking this way. I can tell you in my experience I didn't seek help because I felt like I deserved it. I am here to tell you we all deserve to feel peace and to feel like we belong. And you do belong here and deserve that same peace.
You say you cannot change even if you know what to do, but that can be a big change and hard to do. Then you said you can't even do the little things that you feel would make a difference. So let me ask you this then. Instead of taking those actions, may I ask you to do something smaller. If you want to, would you be open to chatting with me as your listener, privately here on 7cups? Life and in particular loneliness, is hard. I am here for you, and you aren't a burden in the slightest. I hope to hear from you, and no matter what, I wish you well and best on this journey.
