Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav
intuitiveTree5865
260 M Embraced 2
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts34 Forum posts16 Forum upvotes22 Current upvotes22 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2023 Member sinceOctober 4, 2022
Bio
Recent forum posts
intuitiveTree5865 profile picture
Am I demanding too much?
Relationship Stress / by intuitiveTree5865
Last post
 September 7th, 2023
...See more I am working through some challenges over the last 2/3 years with my wife. We have been married for 24 year, and have been together for almost 30 yrs. To sum up, I believe my wife was emotionally cheating on me with her male best friend of over 30 years. She does not. I had no idea in all our time together the depth of that relationship, and everything came to a head when they admitted to each other they still think about why they did not have sex when they were dating, and still think about having sex now. We had discussed and she eventually apologized, and we are working through these challenges . But she still maintains the friendship. I have tried to be supportive of this friendship, but (from my perspective) their flirting, general closeness, trips together, and even my wife fantasizing (musing may be more accurate) about what their kids may have looked like, it was all too much for me to take. I have finally admitted to her that I cannot support their friendship. Every time I learn they had a phone call or planned to see each other, I am brought back to that original hurt. I found myself withdrawing and unable to move forward. I told her I need to be truthful even though I know it will hurt her. She still believes that I am making too much of this, and she cannot end that relationship because they have been friends forever and they did not do anything wrong…..she asked me if I am telling her to choose me or her friend. I said my goal was to only tell the truth, I will continue to tell the truth and be true to myself….and we will need to figure out what happens after that. I feel I am giving her an impossible choice if I persist. I don’t have the energy to feel this hurt all the time…I try to get over it, but it comes back and back and back… I am reflecting on….Am I demanding too much? The answer to my question will have major implications for me, my marriage, and our family….
intuitiveTree5865 profile picture
When do you know it is time to separate…
Relationship Stress / by intuitiveTree5865
Last post
 March 20th, 2023
...See more Sorry, this is a bit long….I have been on this site trying to make sense of an issue between my wife and I….some of the advice made me think differently, but some of it seemed to miss how I was feeling entirely. I have been in my relationship for 29 years, married for 24…..4 children, 2 grown and 2 in high school. We have a good marriage, lots of talking (although less of that lately) and lots of intimacy. She is still the love of my life, but I have been getting increasingly angry with her around she did 2 years ago (she didn’t cheat). I have been trying to resolve this issue, I even said I accepted her apology….but I am still angry and that comes out with more frequency. I want to move on, have tried for 2 years…even seen a counsellor….but I can’t seem to get past it. I even got to the point and said we should separate, but when she talked with me again that same day, she asked me to fight for us….I quickly agreed cause….I love her and our marriage. She didn’t cheat, but she restarted a friendship with a friend who was her first love (a lifetime ago, when she was a teen). I was OK with this, even supported it…cause that’s what a life partner would do. She had always wondered why they didn’t have sex, and she was worried that something was wrong with her. I said she will never know, but I have been with you my whole life (our relationship started when I was 18), loved you (very frequently physically), built a home together and raised wonderful children….there is nothing wrong with you. They had gone on a over night shopping trip, which I supported cause they were always best friends, and I was secure in our relationship that my jealousy (in my younger years) was just silly at this point in our lives. She then tells me she had the conversation with him….asked why they didn’t have sex….they both had the same question….both still thought about it now….and then stopped drinking to make sure nothing happened. My life stopped….although she didn’t cheat on me, she still had the conversation, they were both thinking of it, even now….that they still loved each other (although adamant as friends)…they agreed that they would not act on it…:.and even stopped drinking to make sure nothing happened….part of me was thankful that they took steps to make sure nothing happened….but another part broke that day. I already said nothing is wrong with you….but she had to ask him…although she didn’t cheat….she still shred something that should have only been with me… They still see each other a lot and have a strong relationship. I have tried to make this ok, even approved other trips they had together….I see now I should have told her what I didn’t want to admit then (cause I don’t want to dictate her friends)….that I was not comfortable with any of this…. I feel we have not been the same since that day….I don’t feel the same. And through 2 years of trying to reconcile these emotions….I am afraid my anger will drive her away. I am weighing whether to keep trying…..or to end our marriage…. I am afraid I’d failing to reconcile my emotions and feel like this for the rest of my life….I am afraid of ending our marriage, we built a life and with every year and decade going by, the assurance we will be there for each other, with a lifetime of plans for when we finally retire…all that grew to a certainty, as much as life would allow certainty!! if I ended it, we may still have a friendship….well at least a much better relationship than if I drove her away with my anger…. I just don’t know what to do….for the first time in a long time….
intuitiveTree5865 profile picture
How to reconcile after emotional cheating
Relationship Stress / by intuitiveTree5865
Last post
 January 19th, 2023
...See more Is it possible to reconcile with your partner from an emotional affair when her affair partner is her best friend? She does not believe that she had an emotional affair, but did apologize for hurting me. Part of the process to reconcile is to stop all contact with the affair partner. Do I have the right to tell her to stop all contact with her best friend? I feel terrible just thinking about this, as I don’t what to be like that….but I have had trouble for 2 years trying to deal with these emotions and I am still angry and sad. She shared intimate details outside of our marriage, normally reserved for your partner….she tells him things that she said she would not tell me, but then later changed that she would eventually tell me…. She has limited her contact, but there is no plan to end that friendship….as she wants both her husband and her best friend. I have posted here a few times, and you all have helped me to reflect on my self, my thoughts and feelings about this challenge.
intuitiveTree5865 profile picture
How do I actually forgive and move on?
Relationship Stress / by intuitiveTree5865
Last post
 January 6th, 2023
...See more Hi, I have made a few posts here and it has been helpful. How do I actually forgive and move on from a hurt? My wife and I have been dealing with this for 2 years or so…..and she did not cheat on me. She had a conversation with her longtime friend and ex (from a life time ago) - wondering with him why they didn’t have sex all that time ago. They still think about it now, but that they would never follow through. My wife was upfront and told me they had this conversation. They have several trips together and share hotel rooms, although I recently let her know I did not want shared hotel rooms to happen anymore. When she presented her wondering why they never had sex to me, I said she will never know now, plus, we are in a lifetime commitment so why do you even need to know. I am committed to her and enjoy our time together (29 years together). When she told me she asked him that question, I felt betrayed. I know they didn’t sleep together (but my stinking thinking gets the better of me sometimes, and I convince myself they did and just not telling me). I expected her to essentially say ‘nah, I’m good’ and move on, but she instigated the conversation with her friend….and he replied that he regrets that they did not have sex and yes, he still thinks about it now. I am still having trouble letting go - I said the words to forgive and said I still am having trouble with this and need time to work through it….but crap, 2 years on and I feel the same intensity or anger and hurt. How can I let this go? I want to move on, but I still get very angry….I am afraid my anger will get to the point where I destroy our relationship…I would rather be friends than lose her entirely. How can I move on when I feel I can’t…I know we can’t live like this….
intuitiveTree5865 profile picture
There is a good chance ghat I’m going to die….a lot sooner than I should…
50 & Over Community / by intuitiveTree5865
Last post
 December 13th, 2022
...See more I know death is a part of life…..I know that tomorrow is never guaranteed…..and I always joked that I could die young because of my terrible family history. I just found out that I have blockages in 2 out if 3 blood vessels that supply the heart. My doctor told me not to make any assumptions, as they don’t know yet how much of a blockage. That he doesn’t think that the blockages are bad yet, as I had a great stress test…..I stopped because of my legs instead of stopping because of my heart…. All good in theory, but I know my dad and grandfather died young from heart attacks. I led a different lifestyle, but this news hit harder than I thought. And I feel I can’t talk with my wife….who is my best friend because of our recent issues…. There is a lot going through my mind right now, but what keeps popping up is the issue between my wife and I (I put the issue in the groups and received some good insight and feedback, and we have been working on making things better)….I thought news like this would make this issue seem moot….or make me realize that it is not as important as I thought it was…..or to just find resolution within myself to accept the issue and move on…. But this is not what is going through my head….I am getting angrier about this issue - how can she do this to me and to us….I do not have anyone on my mind but her, I love her! But she did admit awhile ago (before the heart news) that if I was not there, or if we ended our marriage, she would consider him when she got lonely….now I keep thinking, when I am gone, she is going to be with him….and it makes me angry…..for a lot of different reasons…..one of which is, I don’t have anyone on my mind or in my heart but her…. Do I want to continue to put energy into our 29 year relationship, especially with my impending doom, when I am not the only one in her heart…..I know, very selfish of me….perhaps inappropriate….maybe even terrible of me for thinking this…..that’s why I am typing it here instead of saying it to anyone else….
intuitiveTree5865 profile picture
28 years together….now we are at a crisis?!
50 & Over Community / by intuitiveTree5865
Last post
 November 15th, 2022
...See more I am still hurting in the dark. I had a previous post that outlined my situation. I am sure you can find it with my user name in relationship and friendship support, but if not here is TLDR version. My wife and I have been together for 28 years with 2 grown children and 2 still on high school. 2 years ago, my wife rekindled one of her oldest friendships. They are very close and she tells him things she does not tell me. They often take trips with each other out of town and over summer break. All I know for sure is I am hurting. I have struggled with this friendship to the point that I told her I want to separate. A few days later, she asked me to fight for us again, to which I said yes - I love my wife and I just wanted to save any relationship we can have, as I was in danger of pushing her away through my own anger and jealousy. Since I found out about the depth of this relationship, I have been struggling with depression. I am generally apathetic for many things I previously found enjoyable. This has increased since I agreed to forgo separation, about a month ago. I feel that I am the one to make compromises and just accept things as they are, with her keeping her friendship as it is….after all, she tells me nothing would ever happen so why am I having trouble with this relationship…. I have also stopped talking with her about my feelings. She said I was sick for my thoughts/fears about their friendship. I shut down. I tried opening up again last night about depression, but now she has pulled away as well. I think we are spiralling again, but I am just too numb and tired to try and fix right now. I don’t want to give up on 28 years, but I know I can’t live like this feels this everyday, especially when the kids start leaving home…and there is not a built in diversion that keeps us busy. If I had agreed to fight for us, why am I feeling this way? Am I perseverating over nothing? I feel so lost, and still hurting in the dark!
intuitiveTree5865 profile picture
Is it an emotional affair….I just know I am angry and hurting!
Relationship Stress / by intuitiveTree5865
Last post
 October 19th, 2022
...See more This is my first time posting or seeking help in this way. I find it difficult to open up to anyone, except my wife (but not lately). I hope to tell my story in a way that makes sense. I will try to capture the main points. I have been with my wife for 28 years and married for 23. We have 4 children, 2 are moved out and 2 in high school. I always felt we had a strong relationship, tackling usual marital issues and coming out stronger. We love each other and are intimate 3-4 times a week, sometimes more. We enjoy each other in all aspects of our relationship. About 2 years ago, she reconnected more overtly with one of her oldest friends who recently divorced. They had dated as teens, but said they were better as friends than together as a couple. They had stayed friends since before I met her, and his ex-wife had an issue with their close friendship. Consequently, they had to call and speak to each other when the ex-wife was not home. I always knew about this friendship and supported my wife to maintain any of her friendships. She described him as her first love but never had sex, even though she wanted to. She did have that question as to why he did not do anything. Fast forward a lifetime as a committed couple . My wife is spending a lot of time with her friend in her old home town, which is over 10 hrs drive away from where we live. Her parents still live there, so these are regular trips anyway. She was doing lots of activities and having a lot of fun with him. It was nice to see her get so excited and being happy with this resurgence. She then asked if I would be OK with them sharing a hotel room and spending a day shopping and having Dinner in a nearby city to their hometown. I wanted to be supportive of their friendship and I of course trust my wife, so I said yes. The next day, she told me they discussed her question - about why he didn’t have sex with her way back then. They also admitted to each other they still thought about that, but that they would not act on that now. This was among many topics that they talked about as they gab non stop. I did not know how to take this information, I felt hurt and mostly angry. My wife could not understand why I was angry, stating the he is her best friend and she tells him everything, and even tells him things that she can’t tell me. She explains that she needs to be able to talk with someone who is not me and he never judges her. I realized that they have been spending a lot of time with each other, in person and on the phone and texting. I let her know I was not happy and she kept on saying that I am her priority and that she has chosen to be with me when she married me. I truly felt that this was an emotional affair, but my wife outright dismissed that idea and said she is just friends. A lot has happened over the 2 years since this came to a head. I have been feeling terrible and not myself throughout this time. We talk all the time, but she is clear she wants to find a way to have us both in her life. She says that she loves him too and that he has a part of her heart and has always had a piece of her heart, but I take up more room in her heart and I am the one she wants to be with. I was devastated with this comment. I knew he was a close friend, but I did not realize how deeply this connection went. I did not know for the 26 years we were together, and I found all of this out at once. The earth fell out from under me, the foundations of my reality disappeared and left me free falling in the dark. I recently let her know that I cannot accept him in her life based on how I was feeling, but I do not want to force her to end a very important friendship (even though I am insecure about their relationship). I saw no other option other than to separate. If I continued down this path, I believe it would get to a point that my anger and insecurity would drive her completely away. I want to maintain a relationship, because I still love her, and we still have children who need us. If I ended it now, at least she can have us both in her life, and that she would be in my life. She of course is devastated, and asked if I would honour our promise and fight for us. I said that I have been trying so hard for 2 years to try and accept this relationship, but that I would fight for us again as she asked me to, and I love her. We have a fundamental difference in what we see in that relationship. She does not agree with nor understand the reasons why I am angry, but has acknowledged I am angry and wants to work on that. I feel that the emotional energy she should be putting to our committed relationship is being spent on him. She does not agree, saying I am her priority. Is what I am seeing an emotional affair? I have the same feelings as described in the articles I have read. Am I just over-reacting? Am I perseverating on this for no reason? Are they just friends and should I just get over it? Am I trying to punish her? She has stated she feels I am trying to punish her. Why do I feel so angry and why do I have trust issues with her after a lifetime of not experiencing this at all? Thanks for reading and I would love to hear your thoughts….I have no one to talk to. I tried counselling, but it weirdly ended up me reflecting and working on my issues with my father…..I want to know what to do now! There is lots more details to the story, but this is already very long! I truly am Hurting in the Dark….
Search more from @intuitiveTree5865
Considering Therapy?
Talk to an expert therapist
Badges & Awards
8 total badges
Hand Shake First Post Reaching out Helping out Appreciated Voice First Compassion Teammate Forum Friend
Report an issue