How to reconcile after emotional cheating
Is it possible to reconcile with your partner from an emotional affair when her affair partner is her best friend? She does not believe that she had an emotional affair, but did apologize for hurting me.
Part of the process to reconcile is to stop all contact with the affair partner.
Do I have the right to tell her to stop all contact with her best friend? I feel terrible just thinking about this, as I don’t what to be like that….but I have had trouble for 2 years trying to deal with these emotions and I am still angry and sad.
She shared intimate details outside of our marriage, normally reserved for your partner….she tells him things that she said she would not tell me, but then later changed that she would eventually tell me….
She has limited her contact, but there is no plan to end that friendship….as she wants both her husband and her best friend.
I have posted here a few times, and you all have helped me to reflect on my self, my thoughts and feelings about this challenge.
@intuitiveTree5865
Hello!
In my opinion, it is crucial for both you and your wife to be on the same page about the problem statement, in order to find a solution that works for you both.
From what you've shared, she does accept and acknowledge that she hurt you, however, the word affair is where you both disagree on defining the problem statement.
Try "emotional cheating" instead of affair? Affair can come with connotations of romantic or sexual intimacy which can be a bit harder to admit or accept. Emotional cheating happens when your closeness to someone else disrupts your investment in your own partner. You focus on the outside connection instead of your existing monogamous relationship, leaving your own partner feeling cheated of the intimate connection and time with you.
Once you're both on the same page with understanding the issue, hopefully you'll be able to discuss where to start rebuilding the trust.
@0m
I would agree that they need to be on the same page understanding the issue.........which brings to mind .... is why the emotional connection with someone started or grew....
I think sometimes a spouse is NOT there emotionally or being supportive.... if a partner makes a connection and fulfills a emotional need. I would say i think some make too much out of what they label as emotional cheating.... would you rather she was unhappy / frustrated and had no one to confide in .........the IDEA of keeping all withing the relationship is based on the Idea that both partners are there ...... Honestly i will say while not an excuse affairs whether physical or emotional happen because they are NOT having a need met at home.
@toughTiger6481
You bring up a good point. I think from what I've seen, yes, people do prefer to have their partner unhappy/frustrated/no one to confide in rather than accept other intimate connections that fill unmet needs. By definition, marriage in it's most classic understanding, is monogamous. Of course, not every single need is met by every single human being in every single marriage, and that's what communication, understanding and fine tuning the relationship towards building a happy space is about. Despite unmet needs, cheating is always a choice and always hurtful.
@intuitiveTree5865,
I know exactly how you feel. My wife had an emotional affair whilst always denying it and saying a was making up a story.
Sharing not with your partner but with someone else isthe most hurtful kind of affair someone can confront the partner with.
You cannot tell her what to do but if you feelyou can't take anymore and the situation does not change, then I would fully understand if you put your fist on the table, "he is out or I am out".
What matters now is you and your mental well being. Nobody deserves what you have been and are going through.
There are no excuses. Never.
@dukeofdearham
I actually agree with the no excuses part of it. Marriages and relationships invariably go through ups and downs over time. You either fix it or end it in a civilized way, there really never is any excuse for cheating.
@intuitiveTree5865
OK. Why didn’t she tell you? Why did she only confide in her best friend?
If she doesn’t agree that she was emotionally cheating then you both have a disagreement about expectations and boundaries. In other words, some part of her still believes that confiding in her best friend (as opposed to her partner or anyone else) was the right thing to do. Even while acknowledging that it was hurtful to you, she still believes in the end that this was the right course of action. That’s why she has apologized for hurting you (and she is sincere about it), while continuing to reject your assertion that it was an “emotional affair”.
From your point of view, I think maybe you feel as a partner that you were entitled to know about what she disclosed to her best friend; or that she shouldn’t be keeping secrets from you that she is telling to others.
There might be reasons why we decide to tell our best friends certain issues instead of our partners. Our partner’s are physically and sexually intimate with us - we might want them to always see us in our most positive light. We might be ashamed or sensitive about an issue and fear that our partners will reject us, even for a moment if we tell them the truth. As a Listener on here, people previously have confided in me things that they have not discussed with their partners. Why are they more comfortable talking to a complete stranger, than to their life partners?
The best friend might have been the best person to ask/talk to in the circumstances. Perhaps she felt they would better understand, or shared similar experiences, or offer the right kind of support she needed, or for whatever reason she felt more secure confiding in her best friend.
In any case, I think an ultimatum is probably the wrong solution here. She obviously needs her best friend in her life. And perhaps this is part of what hurts you the most - maybe you think you should be sufficient to fulfill all her needs? Perhaps in your understanding of a marriage as a partner you are supposed to be “her everything”?
I think right now it is more important for you both to understand each other. Forget about whether it was an affair or was not an affair. Talk to her like a friend. Try to understand her fears, and her feelings, and try to think why she feels it was right to talk to her best friend in the circumstances. Explore her boundaries. Does she feel like there are certain things she can’t talk to you about?
You can’t force someone to confide in you. No one is ‘entitled’ to know everything about us, not by right of marriage, nor love, or friendship, or by passage of time. Rather, each intimate moment we share of ourselves is a gift made more valuable because it can only be freely given. If you want her to confide in you more, attacking her existing support systems (her best friend) is not the best way to inspire her trust to do that.
I hope this gives you something to think about. I hope you both find your way forward to a better place!
CatsInTheCradle
@CatzInTheCradle,
having an emotional bond with your partner is the foundation of a relationship. It builds trust, safety, understanding.
If someone is unhappy, doesn't feel safe anymore, that someone might run into someone else to feel safe with.
What happens then is that the emotional part of the relationship is taken away. You no longer share with your partner but with someone else. The emotional bond diminishes. The foundation crumbles.
You say people share with you as a listener. That's totally different. You are not a replacement for their partner.
Yes it happens that we cannot share certain things with a partner, and meet someone else we can share those things with. For a partner that can be tough, but it is not necessarily a replacement, as long as you still share intimate things with your partner.
The moment you stop doing that, the moment you stop sharing and start sharing with someone else, it's called an emotional affair.
I have no idea whether you have ever experienced one but I can tell you it hurts like he'll. Especially when your feelings go unheard, and the other perceives it in a different way. Denies. While, again based on my own experience, the other person knows, well, let's say, there is something wrong going on. For whatever reason. And without being able to ask yourself why you are involved in an emotional affair, to not dive in and talk to your partner, nothing ever will change.
TS wrote that his wife has slowed down contact. That is a good sign. My wife totally ignored similar suggestions by me and our counselor at the time.
Without sitting down and talking, without understanding where the other is coming from, it's a dead and street.
It's not about owing someone, it's not about wanting to be there for each other and each other only. It's about being open and honest, to self.
A counselor might be able to help, to communicate, to create a trusting and safe realm. As these kind of things are often about lost trust, lost safety, not feeling heard or happy.
