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jwhitmon1224
197 M Embraced 1
PathStep 10 Compassion hearts12 Forum posts4 Forum upvotes10 Current upvotes10 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2021 Member sinceApril 16, 2021
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There's no in hell this sh*t just happened
Trauma Support / by jwhitmon1224
Last post
 May 13th, 2021
...See more 16 Hours ago I made a post on here about the abuse I endured at the hands of my step father. Opened up about the abuse I was dealing with almost every day from him for almost 4 years. This is something I have held in. Only a handful of people know the cause for the damaged person I have become. My husband and I have been in and out of hotels since we lost everything we had after uprooting our life and making the attempt to move to Texas. As we were unloading our belongings today he made it up the steps to the hotel room before me. I wasn't too far behind. As I reached the top of the step I could hear a man arguing with a woman and the I heard someone say ' what's up hollywood? " At first it didn't click then I stopped dead in my tracks. That voice was piercing like a knife through my stomach. I ran to our room which was 3 or 4 doors down from the his. My husband of course thought I was crazy busting in the room like a psycho lunatic. Once he asked me what's wrong I could hardly get it out of my mouth. I told him that my sister step dad ( my abuser ) was literally less than a half of football field away from us. After he asked me if I wanted him to go whoop his ass, I took the car keys and told him I was going to make sure I'm not crazy. The voice kept playing over in my head. I went to our car and grabs a folder. Once back up the steps I ask a guy if the guy who was in the room went by the name Jay? He told me "No." I apologized as I was walking away and told him he looked like my step dad. Once my back was turned I heard the same voice ask me what my name was and I told him Joanna. As I looked at my husband I heard him ask "Joanna Marie?" At the very second every thing this man did to me for those 4 years replayed in my head. I f***king lost it. I could hear this sick P.O.S. Smiling when he said my name. As I went to charge at him a police officer had came up the stairs and asked me to go with him. I didn't do anything... YET if I could have though I would have hurt him as bad if not more than he hurt me. I explained, barely able to keep my balance because I could stop shaking, that he molested and raped me. Back 5 years ago when I went to the jail visit I set up, was the last time I ever expected to see this man and I was okay because there was a screen between us. I NEVER in my life thought I would be 2 feet away from this man face to face with the man who took my innocence, who destroyed me. I called my mom to let her know what was going on and I got the exact reaction I expect a "Mmm" and just leave he ain't worth it... Karma will get him. " ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME THAT'S WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY TO ME? She had the opportunity to say something to him, call the police, stop it. Instead she continued to allow it and she has the audacity to tell me to let it go? This man ruined my f**king life. I didn't have a child hood because of him. I'm f**ked up because of him. That man made me hate my f**king self. And you think it's not worth it? That mother f**ker didn't do one f*"king day in jail for the shit he did to me for YEARS. I have trust issues because of him. It's fu**ing worth it I don't give a f**k what no one says I'm the one who had to sit and allow this man to do what ever he wanted to me, when he wanted. I'm the one who had to keep my mouth shut because he threatened to hurt you guys. I'm not that scared ass little kid anymore. No one f**king protected me then. But I'll be damned if this mother f**ker is within. Reach of me and thinks he can smile in my got damn face after the f**king abuse I had to deal with for 3 fu**ing years of not longer. I don't give a f**k. F*ck karma it's been 23 got damn years and karma ain't did a fucking thing. He's still the same drunk perverted sick piece of shit he was when I was 4 and and the shit started. So fu*k that. The audacity to sit and tell me he's not worth it. Neither was I when the shit was happening huh? It's so ironic that today I speak about my darkest moment in my life and then boom there he is. I can't like I'm angry, and hurt. This is alot.
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I have a reason to live another day (Sorry this is so long) *TRIGGER WARNING (child abuse and suicidal thoughts)
Trauma Support / by jwhitmon1224
Last post
 April 16th, 2021
...See more Hi I'm Joanna. I never really get to talk to anyone about my demons and what I keep bottled up inside just off the strength I'm afraid they will look at me different. I just turned 32 two days ago and my only thought was taking my own life. Every since I can remember I have suffered with severe anxiety, bipolar depression, and PTSD, was clinically diagnosed at the age of 23. I never really got to be a kid because at the at of 5 until I turn 9 my sister's father made it a daily task to sneak in my room and touch me while my mom was right in the living room. When she went to work, he would make do thing I should have never knew about at the age of 5. If I didn't comply he would take a 3 foot long paddle he made with holes in I, beat me, and punish me by taking all my pillows, sheets and blankets and lay in a cold bed with no heat, or sit in the tub full of ice cold water. I would beg my mom not to make me go to work with him because he would take me in empty trailers and ra** me. I remember running to her in the middle of the night, crying telling her he was hurting me. Instead of protecting me she made me wipe myself in the bathroom, when she seen the blood she acted like it was there and told me she would talk to him in the morning. She never did. It took me 4 years of dealing with him and his sick ass to finally tell my grandmother. My 4 siblings and I was taken out of her custody and ended up being adopted by my "aunt" and uncle. I was scared, broken, and afraid. I couldn't ride in the car by myself with my uncle without being afraid that he will touch me. Still til this day I haven't been the same little girl I was before this sick f*@k took advantage of me. About 4 years ago I found out he was in jail for getting caught in a hotel room with a 12 year old girl, naked. I took it upon myself to schedule a visit. He had no idea I was coming. The second he picked up the phone and the call screen came on my heart stopped. I was looking the man who took my innocence from me, who created the defensive, insecure, bitch I am today. He didn't know I sat outside of the hotel he lived at for hours trying to decide, "Do I get out and confront him, since he has always denied all of it,?" So many day this man looked me in my face and had no idea who I was. Once I asked him if he remembered me and he said no. I said my name and my mom's and he froze. Instantly I start crying. I'm pissed, hurt, confused. I wanted to jump through the screen and hurt him the way he hurt me. All he could say is "Joanna I'm so sorry. I loved you kids and have been looking for you." Are you fu*%ing kidding me? I finally stopped crying and told him how he has ruined me. "I have so much anger and hate in my heart because of you. " Everyone who has ever loved me has been pushed away because I don't trust no one. I'm constantly getting into fights because I constantly feel like I have to defend my self from the world. Because I refuse to allow another to hurt me ever again." I thought that would make me feel better. Getting everything off my chest and here I am 4 years later still the same person. I thought I could change that for my husband but it's hard. My whole life from the age of 5 until I met him I have been hurt by every person who has claimed to love me. Because I can't let go of the scars this man has left I am watching my marriage crumble before my eyes. Most days I'm depressed. Constant thoughts of ending my life because I'm never going to be nothing but a broken little girl. My husband has pulled me from a shower rod, fought me for a gun, knife, pills you name it I've done it... I always wonder how can anyone love me when I don't love myself. This doesn't even touch the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the hand of card my life has been dealt. As I sat yesterday sick of my life I look over at my son. And each time God has left me on this earth for a reason. My baby boy needs me. If I'm gone who else does he have? His dad who chooses heroin over him? My mom who 16 years later 27 years later still don't know how to be a mother? I have to remind myself that I don't live life for myself anymore I live it for my son. I can't leave him here alone in this fu*!*d up world no one to protect him. I will not leave my child to even have the slightest chance of going through what I went through. My baby is smart, caring and the most loving little boy on this earth. No matter how down I am, how much I hate the person I've become, feel like a failure or how bad I want to stop feeling these feelings and replaying these memories, he always reassures me that I'm the best mom in the world and he loves and needs me. MY BABY NEEDS ME HERE! So here I am opening my eyes and thanking God for allowing me to wake up.
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