I have a reason to live another day (Sorry this is so long) *TRIGGER WARNING (child abuse and suicidal thoughts)

Hi I'm Joanna. I never really get to talk to anyone about my demons and what I keep bottled up inside just off the strength I'm afraid they will look at me different. I just turned 32 two days ago and my only thought was taking my own life. Every since I can remember I have suffered with severe anxiety, bipolar depression, and PTSD, was clinically diagnosed at the age of 23. I never really got to be a kid because at the at of 5 until I turn 9 my sister's father made it a daily task to sneak in my room and touch me while my mom was right in the living room. When she went to work, he would make do thing I should have never knew about at the age of 5. If I didn't comply he would take a 3 foot long paddle he made with holes in I, beat me, and punish me by taking all my pillows, sheets and blankets and lay in a cold bed with no heat, or sit in the tub full of ice cold water. I would beg my mom not to make me go to work with him because he would take me in empty trailers and ra** me. I remember running to her in the middle of the night, crying telling her he was hurting me. Instead of protecting me she made me wipe myself in the bathroom, when she seen the blood she acted like it was there and told me she would talk to him in the morning. She never did. It took me 4 years of dealing with him and his sick ass to finally tell my grandmother. My 4 siblings and I was taken out of her custody and ended up being adopted by my "aunt" and uncle. I was scared, broken, and afraid. I couldn't ride in the car by myself with my uncle without being afraid that he will touch me. Still til this day I haven't been the same little girl I was before this sick f*@k took advantage of me. About 4 years ago I found out he was in jail for getting caught in a hotel room with a 12 year old girl, naked. I took it upon myself to schedule a visit. He had no idea I was coming. The second he picked up the phone and the call screen came on my heart stopped. I was looking the man who took my innocence from me, who created the defensive, insecure, bitch I am today. He didn't know I sat outside of the hotel he lived at for hours trying to decide, "Do I get out and confront him, since he has always denied all of it,?" So many day this man looked me in my face and had no idea who I was. Once I asked him if he remembered me and he said no. I said my name and my mom's and he froze. Instantly I start crying. I'm pissed, hurt, confused. I wanted to jump through the screen and hurt him the way he hurt me. All he could say is "Joanna I'm so sorry. I loved you kids and have been looking for you." Are you fu*%ing kidding me? I finally stopped crying and told him how he has ruined me. "I have so much anger and hate in my heart because of you. " Everyone who has ever loved me has been pushed away because I don't trust no one. I'm constantly getting into fights because I constantly feel like I have to defend my self from the world. Because I refuse to allow another to hurt me ever again." I thought that would make me feel better. Getting everything off my chest and here I am 4 years later still the same person. I thought I could change that for my husband but it's hard. My whole life from the age of 5 until I met him I have been hurt by every person who has claimed to love me. Because I can't let go of the scars this man has left I am watching my marriage crumble before my eyes. Most days I'm depressed. Constant thoughts of ending my life because I'm never going to be nothing but a broken little girl. My husband has pulled me from a shower rod, fought me for a gun, knife, pills you name it I've done it... I always wonder how can anyone love me when I don't love myself. This doesn't even touch the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the hand of card my life has been dealt. As I sat yesterday sick of my life I look over at my son. And each time God has left me on this earth for a reason. My baby boy needs me. If I'm gone who else does he have? His dad who chooses heroin over him? My mom who 16 years later 27 years later still don't know how to be a mother? I have to remind myself that I don't live life for myself anymore I live it for my son. I can't leave him here alone in this fu*!*d up world no one to protect him. I will not leave my child to even have the slightest chance of going through what I went through. My baby is smart, caring and the most loving little boy on this earth. No matter how down I am, how much I hate the person I've become, feel like a failure or how bad I want to stop feeling these feelings and replaying these memories, he always reassures me that I'm the best mom in the world and he loves and needs me. MY BABY NEEDS ME HERE! So here I am opening my eyes and thanking God for allowing me to wake up.