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kilidurin
1 543 M Embraced 4
PathStep 13 Compassion hearts22 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes7 Current upvotes7 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2026 Member sinceJuly 18, 2024
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SA
Relationship Stress / by kilidurin
Last post
 July 6th
...See more It’s been about a decade since I was raped and there’s certain activities I haven’t done with my new boyfriend because of the fear and anxiety around it. Even just thinking about it could make me anxious, let alone actually doing it. But when we were together last night, things happened that were sooo similar to what had happened to me before. And this was the first time I didn’t panic, and I actually did something that I haven’t been able to do since I was raped. I did it without thinking and I didn’t realize what I had done until after I did it. And I was fine. I didn’t feel panicked or anxious (or pressured; my boyfriend has been very patient and understanding). But once it was over, the reality of what I had done set in and that’s when I realized I was okay. But in realizing that, I got very overwhelmed and started to cry at the shock, relief, and weight, of it all. I feel so many things now and none of it bad? But it’s just a lot. And it feels like a lot to process right now in my own head
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SA
General Support / by kilidurin
Last post
 October 10th, 2025
...See more I was having a conversation with my sister about our upbringing and how our parents treated things and, in turn, how far we’ve come from where we started. I mentioned my previous SA from a boyfriend and how my mom (didn’t know) but encouraged me to stay with him because she viewed his poorer upbringing as a ‘charity case’ and he ‘needed our help.’ It is a part of my past and being able to mention the SA at least occasionally has helped me come to terms with what happened to me. My sister apologized for how she had reacted then too when she didn’t realize what I was going through. I told her it was no need for apology because she didn’t know! And I was honestly oblivious to how bad that relationship was. She ten tells me “I just felt like you need the apology because you keep bringing it up.” I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve mentioned my SA to her. And at one point when I told her I have big fears surround certain behaviors because of the SA, she told me to just “get over them” because my current boyfriend would enjoy these things that I have a hard time performing. I can clearly see she doesn’t understand it. Not in the same way that I do. But that doesn’t stop my mind from turning over and over again her poor reactions to this topic and how I almost regret telling her some of the details. I didn’t tell her to receive support or comfort, I just.. told her. And yet when I’m met with no support or comfort and am brushed off?? I don’t know why I bothered to talk with her about it of all people.
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