SA

It’s been about a decade since I was raped and there’s certain activities I haven’t done with my new boyfriend because of the fear and anxiety around it. Even just thinking about it could make me anxious, let alone actually doing it.

But when we were together last night, things happened that were sooo similar to what had happened to me before. And this was the first time I didn’t panic, and I actually did something that I haven’t been able to do since I was raped.

I did it without thinking and I didn’t realize what I had done until after I did it.

And I was fine. I didn’t feel panicked or anxious (or pressured; my boyfriend has been very patient and understanding).

But once it was over, the reality of what I had done set in and that’s when I realized I was okay. But in realizing that, I got very overwhelmed and started to cry at the shock, relief, and weight, of it all.

I feel so many things now and none of it bad? But it’s just a lot. And it feels like a lot to process right now in my own head