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lazulilune
200 M Embraced 1
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts13 Forum posts10 Forum upvotes6 Current upvotes6 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2022 Member sinceNovember 25, 2020
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Just putting this out there. Bad day.
Depression Support / by lazulilune
Last post
 February 11th, 2021
...See more Just putting this out there. Keeping it in my head makes me feel worse. Maybe it's just me. This is going to be confusing and I am sorry. The feeling of worthlessness, emptiness, and absence of motivation has been setting in quite frequently lately. I am nearing my finals, and my graduation is in two months. I don't know if I can even graduate, even if I do make it out of here I am no A-student, maybe not even a B. I feel inferior to everybody else. I don't deserve anything because I did nothing to contribute to the world. I have given my all in my studies, chasing a dream that doesn't belong to me. But I can never understand educational materials like my peers do. They can understand it in just one example, while I still see question marks floating around after the fifth explanantion. Ever since I was young I have been artistically inclined, but am also eager to learn about science. It fascinates me, like a puzzle piece fitting in it's rightful place. I see the world differently whenever someone shares an idea. I love that. Maybe it started with my dad, who would yell at me when I couldn't understand a simple math question. Maybe it was that one time he almost punched me? Maybe it was the frustrated sighs from my friends, and the raise of their voices when I ask them to help me. Maybe it was the look of disappointment, then resignation, in my teachers' eyes. It made me terrified at the idea of asking for help from people. I wouldn't want to be a burden to them. I wouldn't want to take up their time, time that they can use to do something better than to explain theories or lessons to a ... whatever I am. I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me? Maybe I am just not cut out to be magnificent. I am not going to make a mark in this world. I am nothing but a person who just roams the world. I don't deserve anything beautiful in this world, I can't take anything because I haven't given anything.
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Please tell me there is a way out of this.
Depression Support / by lazulilune
Last post
 November 26th, 2020
...See more Hi, I am new here. Sorry if this is a bother or is just petty. I also have no idea how this works so here goes nothing. I can't keep up with anything anymore. I am giving up on my uni classes purposely because I am tired and in pain and nothing feels right or good. But I can't because they are groupwork where I have to contribute or I risk bringing everyone down. I can't quit the course even if it is not a course I wanted, there is about 5 more months left till graduation. Yet to me, it's 5 more months of suffering, 5 more months to doing something stupid and throwing my body down a building and into darkness. My parents don't understand how much pain I am in, no matter how many times I tell my dad that I don't want to continue with my uni choices. My mum thinks depressed people are crazy, like some psycho. I am very hurt by that. I sometimes wonder if I really do care about my parents emotionally. I am grateful for the things they provided, but the fact that this is what they think of me, how much they don't care that I am suicidal, makes me think twice. I was diagnosed with cancer early this year, and I have finished my treatment. I thought that this can persuade my parents into changing their mind (you know, their child almost at deaths' door and all that), but no. Apparently, making a "proper" career choice is their biggest worry. My dad says it's for my "survival". Yeah, not gonna happen if I off myself right? I know I might sounds selfish, or naive, or stupid. This has been going on for 19 years. They give me a choice, then tell me that the second option (my option) is going to lead to bad things. Everytime I bring it up, it's always the same conversation. I just want them to back me up. I want them to look at me in the eyes and just tell me that my choice isn't some child's dream. That they support me, not because they are my parents, but because they truly think I can do great things, even if the pay isn't a 6 figure. Nobody wants to help me. Only my two best friends do. But they can only help so far. I am grateful for them. But I want someone to truly pull me out of this misery. I hope you all have a great day, filled with joy and ease.
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