Please tell me there is a way out of this.
Hi, I am new here. Sorry if this is a bother or is just petty. I also have no idea how this works so here goes nothing.
I can't keep up with anything anymore. I am giving up on my uni classes purposely because I am tired and in pain and nothing feels right or good. But I can't because they are groupwork where I have to contribute or I risk bringing everyone down. I can't quit the course even if it is not a course I wanted, there is about 5 more months left till graduation. Yet to me, it's 5 more months of suffering, 5 more months to doing something stupid and throwing my body down a building and into darkness.
My parents don't understand how much pain I am in, no matter how many times I tell my dad that I don't want to continue with my uni choices. My mum thinks depressed people are crazy, like some psycho. I am very hurt by that. I sometimes wonder if I really do care about my parents emotionally. I am grateful for the things they provided, but the fact that this is what they think of me, how much they don't care that I am suicidal, makes me think twice.
I was diagnosed with cancer early this year, and I have finished my treatment. I thought that this can persuade my parents into changing their mind (you know, their child almost at deaths' door and all that), but no. Apparently, making a "proper" career choice is their biggest worry. My dad says it's for my "survival". Yeah, not gonna happen if I off myself right?
I know I might sounds selfish, or naive, or stupid. This has been going on for 19 years. They give me a choice, then tell me that the second option (my option) is going to lead to bad things. Everytime I bring it up, it's always the same conversation. I just want them to back me up. I want them to look at me in the eyes and just tell me that my choice isn't some child's dream. That they support me, not because they are my parents, but because they truly think I can do great things, even if the pay isn't a 6 figure.
Nobody wants to help me. Only my two best friends do. But they can only help so far. I am grateful for them. But I want someone to truly pull me out of this misery.
I hope you all have a great day, filled with joy and ease.
@lazulilune OK, I'll tell you. At the start of Altered Carbon, Takeshi Kovaks describes his training as an Envoy:
In the Envoy Corps they teach you to let go… Stick it in neutral and float. It's the first lesson and the trainers drill it into you from day one… Don't worry, they'll store it. It was a superbly double-edged piece of street wisdom. Bleak faith in the efficiency of the…system and a clue to the elusive state of mind required to steer you past the rocks of psychosis. Whatever you feel, whatever you're thinking, whatever you are when they store you, that's what you'll be when you come out… So you let go. Stick it in neutral. Disengage and float.
So that's one way out, or rather, a way through. Kovaks did a century in the tank if I remember right, and got downloaded into a new sleeve. Well, that's SF. You're facing 5 months—at least—of letting go, sticking it in neutral, disengaging and floating. And after that however long it takes to become a new person—that illustrator with the cozy apartment and the cats.
Seeing that story as an allegory is a way. Maybe not the only way. Maybe not the way you'll choose. But a way.
If you'd ever like to chat, feel free to click on my profile picture and message me.
Charlie
@lazulilune
Firstly, you are neither a bother nor being petty. You're struggling. Reaching out is the thing we do when we are in pain, of whatever kind.
Thankfully I do not have to live with or in chronic pain, but I know it could happen one day. I do work with people who live with chronic or intermittent pain, and I always believe them when they say they are having a bad pain day. My late and much-loved partner lived with chronic pain and he endured level 8 or 9 pain some days with hardly a complaint. I know if it had been me, I would have been complaining constantly, if I wasn't curled up in a ball. So he was a better man than I am.
I found a pain scale gif but I just cannot seem to post this thing. I am encouraging everyone I know with chronic pain to share this graphic with others who don't understand chronic pain. If I can figure out how to post it, I will in hopes it is helpful for someone else.
Meanwhile, please keep coming here and telling us how it is for you, even if it's just a few words. Take care.
@InquireWithin why does one feel talking or expressing pain is " Complaining ". No one wants to Complain about their pain . Complain sounds so
like one is whining and is ungrateful. And one who does or does not it does not mean they r better or not good . When one is in pain one wants to be understood and comforted . It's expressing ourself it's seeking help in any form.
@Neeme2020
Well, since I was referring to myself in the hypothetical, it was the first word that came to mind. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But your point is taken.