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lemonngrass
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts46 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes9 Current upvotes9 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2023 Member sinceDecember 17, 2022
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I hate the person I've become
Personality Disorders Support / by lemonngrass
Last post
 June 5th, 2023
...See more Well, buckle in everyone cause this is gonna be a LONg thread Recently I've caught up with the show bojack horseman, if you don't know what that is, it's just a cartoon with a protagonist who also struggles with BPD and various other issues, point is he's kind of like a community mascot cause, we all relate to him, and I'm also among the all His character really made me realize so many things about myself that I wasn't really aware of, both the ugly and good, but tbh mainly the ugly, well mostly the ugly, it's an eye opening experience But being self aware doesn't necessarily equal getting better Thats something I've learned recently Yeah i KNOW that I'm not in the best place, I know my behavior is in a lot of cases, selfish, toxic, irrational, yadda yadda, I know the consequences of my actions- and I try to justify that Yeah I know! Therefore, I'm better than those who are just arseholes but act like they never did anything wrong, atleast I'm aware! but,,, that's not how things work Regardless of whether you're aware or not, the end result is the same So now what? It feels like the littlest bit of credit I was able to give to myself has fizzled out right between my fingers, and I've come to realize how incapable I am of forgiving myself, of even daring to put myself on the same headstart as just, any average human There's an episode where, bojack messes up again, and a character tells him how "he ruins everything he touches" and later he tells a friend that, it took him so long to realize how stupid that is, and how it took him to hear it outloud from someone to realize that, to realize it's stupid, eventhough he's been telling himself that his whole life And I again realized that man, I could never do that, I could never hear a negative comment and be like "well that's stupid" and move on, I know I'm just gonna believe it, and internalize it, and just hammer it into my head over and over and over It's like this demon in me, that just keeps growing the more time passes, and I have no control of it Recently, I've just been this, angry husk of a person, and if I'm not angry, I'm sad and disassociating There's just this, urge in me to, ruin everything, eventhough I know I'll lose everything I have I just wanna, lash out, I wanna get revenge I'm really mad, and even more than that I'm really upset And it makes me wanna sabotage things There are like, things in my life I'd say are decent, but, idk, I'm bitter, I'm bitter that, it's just decent? Or maybe I'm bitter because I'm scared that maybe this is as good as it'll get, or maybe I just don't believe I deserve any of this so I just wanna ruin it, or I'm uncomfortable that things don't align with my paranoia, that maybe, not everyone secretly hates me, and is out to get me, and maybe some people aren't lying about liking me or that I'm actually goof at the things I do and they enjoy my presence! It's so,,,hard to believe, that people could just yaknow, want me around? And that just makes me wanna lash out, I wanna burn everything down to prove that, I'm undesirable, why don't you get that? Speaking of lashing out I guess I also just want revenge I just wanna hurt people yaknow? Something amidst the gauze of, I had to go through so much, and I keep saying that, I keep saying that I'm hurting, I'm clearly drowning, so why is no one bothering to give out a helping hand? I'm bitter, and frankly I'm tired of being the victim, and I know that's not good, it's not a good thing, I should just reach out? But I'm just being a burden And God it's all so tiring If people treat me well, I don't deserve it If I reach out, I'm a burden And if I'm ignored, they're evil And if someone's around, they'll eventually leave And maybe not everyone is plotting against you but that means? No one is thinking about you, no one even remembers your existence if you're not within their line of vision There's no winning, there's never winning Bpd is so draining and I just want it to end I'm so empty, and lonely, and sad, and angry, and these cuts keep bleeding, and even when I think they're healing, it gets deeper, and I wonder if I'll ever feel good again, or at the very least safe and calm It's quite selfish to walk up to your friends who don't have bpd and be like "Hey dude! I'm so, so so soooo miserable, I'm so miserable and sad and there is no future for me, so I wanna drink and have sex to fill in for all the gaps in my life and hope I die soon" like they are not built for this But I don't can't afford therapy so I'm out of options here, I've been struggling with BPD since I was like 14, people have seen me in this ditch for years and it only seems to get deeper it's,,,,so pointless, I don't even wanna stick around to find out of it gets better cause seemingly and very evidently, it's only getting worse! And I'm only growing to hate myself, more and more, everyday, I wake up and I look in the mirror and I realize that, I'm everything my younger self swore she wouldn't be, and that fact alone drives me insane,,,,so what's the point? I'm honestly writing this at a state where, I'm too tired to even feel sad, actually I'm so tired the voices have quieted down cause they know dragging around a corpse is a waste of energy, but if I quit playing dead ooh they'll come right back, so what's the point, I can't move forward, and as I stay in my spot the floor below me is sinking, and I just keep drowning, and I can't expect to be saved, but I can't save me either, tell me, how can you save someone you loathe to your very core? Someone who, just like everyone said, is a useless, burden, that's worth as little as garbage, that's so easy to be left behind and forgotten? Who's now only grown to become a pit of toxic waste for themselves and everyone and everything around, something like that isn't worth the effort, and it's sad That's just all I can say, it's sad, it really is And I don't know what to do
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it's been taking a toll
Depression Support / by lemonngrass
Last post
 May 6th, 2023
...See more well *** i need to give some context, depression, BPD, generalized anxiety, (possibly sever panic disorder?) and depersonalization, severe religious trauma are all Pokémon cards that I somehow someway collected throughout my life, and are now constantly activated chips in this stupid little pile of noodles in my skull that's my brain it's not easy to say the least, and recently now that I have to take a lot more responsibility of my own life it's been getting worse, they say when you have depression it's enough that you are still managing to cling on to life, that's it! you did a great job you're still here! and yeah that's helpful at the start but eventually let's face it, you can't get getting applauded for the bare minimum, and eitherway, to me atleast, it has lost meaning living each day as it passes you is exhausting. no, i think living is giving me too much credit, i've just been existing, existing through the days, that's about it. it's always like focus on the present why are you worried about the future! but it's like? then what do i have? people work hard for their future for some goal, and existing in the present is also something simultaneously important, they don't have to be exclusive to one another, but that's besides the point, the point is neither applies to me personally, i'm honestly almost always in autopilot mode, i have no idea what's going on around me, there is no present i'm living i merely exist, and that is not "enough", there is no "goodjob you are atleast alive!" because time is unforgiving, it'll keep moving forward even if in my brain i'm still stuck way back, and with that narrative i'm incapable of living at the moment, or working for for a future that i can't see or imagine, i haven't been able to work towards anything for years and guess what i'm still in the same, exact, spot, never moving forward, it doesn't feel like a "goodjob you're still alive" anymore i'm an adult now i have to take responsibility but i can barely look around me and put 2 in 2 with what's going on! everything feels pointless, the weight is exhausting, and I hate myself i don't even care about an end goal where "i'm happy" i don't need to be happy i don't need to be fulfilled i just wanna be content, I wanna be able to wake up and NOT go "god another day to crawl through" and it's hard, life is so hard and exhausting but life and time do not understand and don't compromise, society isn't gonna stop for me to figure my trash out, and I know i'm the only one who can help myself out of this sinkhole but, it feels pointless, the sinkhole has no end to me, i'v fought for some long putting anymore hope in "oh it'll get better" won't work cause guess what i've been living and it HAS NOT been getting better, there is no gets better there are ups and downs but it's just a matter of when will this down have a rise, or am i too deep to even be able to reach it? it's exhausting and i'm tired, i don't care to be normal or happy or whatever i just for one day wanna be given a break, it's so tiring
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