I hate the person I've become

Well, buckle in everyone cause this is gonna be a LONg thread

Recently I've caught up with the show bojack horseman, if you don't know what that is, it's just a cartoon with a protagonist who also struggles with BPD and various other issues, point is he's kind of like a community mascot cause, we all relate to him, and I'm also among the all

His character really made me realize so many things about myself that I wasn't really aware of, both the ugly and good, but tbh mainly the ugly, well mostly the ugly, it's an eye opening experience

But being self aware doesn't necessarily equal getting better

Thats something I've learned recently

Yeah i KNOW that I'm not in the best place, I know my behavior is in a lot of cases, selfish, toxic, irrational, yadda yadda, I know the consequences of my actions- and I try to justify that

Yeah I know! Therefore, I'm better than those who are just arseholes but act like they never did anything wrong, atleast I'm aware! but,,, that's not how things work

Regardless of whether you're aware or not, the end result is the same

So now what?

It feels like the littlest bit of credit I was able to give to myself has fizzled out right between my fingers, and I've come to realize how incapable I am of forgiving myself, of even daring to put myself on the same headstart as just, any average human

There's an episode where, bojack messes up again, and a character tells him how "he ruins everything he touches" and later he tells a friend that, it took him so long to realize how stupid that is, and how it took him to hear it outloud from someone to realize that, to realize it's stupid, eventhough he's been telling himself that his whole life

And I again realized that man, I could never do that, I could never hear a negative comment and be like "well that's stupid" and move on, I know I'm just gonna believe it, and internalize it, and just hammer it into my head over and over and over

It's like this demon in me, that just keeps growing the more time passes, and I have no control of it

Recently, I've just been this, angry husk of a person, and if I'm not angry, I'm sad and disassociating

There's just this, urge in me to, ruin everything, eventhough I know I'll lose everything I have I just wanna, lash out, I wanna get revenge

I'm really mad, and even more than that I'm really upset

And it makes me wanna sabotage things

There are like, things in my life I'd say are decent, but, idk, I'm bitter, I'm bitter that, it's just decent? Or maybe I'm bitter because I'm scared that maybe this is as good as it'll get, or maybe I just don't believe I deserve any of this so I just wanna ruin it, or I'm uncomfortable that things don't align with my paranoia, that maybe, not everyone secretly hates me, and is out to get me, and maybe some people aren't lying about liking me or that I'm actually goof at the things I do and they enjoy my presence! It's so,,,hard to believe, that people could just yaknow, want me around? And that just makes me wanna lash out, I wanna burn everything down to prove that, I'm undesirable, why don't you get that?

Speaking of lashing out I guess I also just want revenge

I just wanna hurt people yaknow? Something amidst the gauze of, I had to go through so much, and I keep saying that, I keep saying that I'm hurting, I'm clearly drowning, so why is no one bothering to give out a helping hand? I'm bitter, and frankly I'm tired of being the victim, and I know that's not good, it's not a good thing, I should just reach out? But I'm just being a burden

And God it's all so tiring

If people treat me well, I don't deserve it

If I reach out, I'm a burden

And if I'm ignored, they're evil

And if someone's around, they'll eventually leave

And maybe not everyone is plotting against you but that means? No one is thinking about you, no one even remembers your existence if you're not within their line of vision

There's no winning, there's never winning

Bpd is so draining and I just want it to end

I'm so empty, and lonely, and sad, and angry, and these cuts keep bleeding, and even when I think they're healing, it gets deeper, and I wonder if I'll ever feel good again, or at the very least safe and calm

It's quite selfish to walk up to your friends who don't have bpd and be like

"Hey dude! I'm so, so so soooo miserable, I'm so miserable and sad and there is no future for me, so I wanna drink and have sex to fill in for all the gaps in my life and hope I die soon" like they are not built for this

But I don't can't afford therapy so I'm out of options here, I've been struggling with BPD since I was like 14, people have seen me in this ditch for years and it only seems to get deeper it's,,,,so pointless, I don't even wanna stick around to find out of it gets better cause seemingly and very evidently, it's only getting worse! And I'm only growing to hate myself, more and more, everyday, I wake up and I look in the mirror and I realize that, I'm everything my younger self swore she wouldn't be, and that fact alone drives me insane,,,,so what's the point?

I'm honestly writing this at a state where, I'm too tired to even feel sad, actually I'm so tired the voices have quieted down cause they know dragging around a corpse is a waste of energy, but if I quit playing dead ooh they'll come right back, so what's the point, I can't move forward, and as I stay in my spot the floor below me is sinking, and I just keep drowning, and I can't expect to be saved, but I can't save me either, tell me, how can you save someone you loathe to your very core? Someone who, just like everyone said, is a useless, burden, that's worth as little as garbage, that's so easy to be left behind and forgotten? Who's now only grown to become a pit of toxic waste for themselves and everyone and everything around, something like that isn't worth the effort, and it's sad

That's just all I can say, it's sad, it really is

And I don't know what to do