it's been taking a toll
well *** i need to give some context, depression, BPD, generalized anxiety, (possibly sever panic disorder?) and depersonalization, severe religious trauma are all Pokémon cards that I somehow someway collected throughout my life, and are now constantly activated chips in this stupid little pile of noodles in my skull that's my brain
it's not easy to say the least, and recently now that I have to take a lot more responsibility of my own life it's been getting worse, they say when you have depression it's enough that you are still managing to cling on to life, that's it! you did a great job you're still here!
and yeah that's helpful at the start but eventually let's face it, you can't get getting applauded for the bare minimum, and eitherway, to me atleast, it has lost meaning
living each day as it passes you is exhausting.
no, i think living is giving me too much credit, i've just been existing, existing through the days, that's about it. it's always like focus on the present why are you worried about the future! but it's like? then what do i have? people work hard for their future for some goal, and existing in the present is also something simultaneously important, they don't have to be exclusive to one another, but that's besides the point, the point is neither applies to me personally, i'm honestly almost always in autopilot mode, i have no idea what's going on around me, there is no present i'm living i merely exist, and that is not "enough", there is no "goodjob you are atleast alive!" because time is unforgiving, it'll keep moving forward even if in my brain i'm still stuck way back, and with that narrative i'm incapable of living at the moment, or working for for a future that i can't see or imagine, i haven't been able to work towards anything for years and guess what i'm still in the same, exact, spot, never moving forward, it doesn't feel like a "goodjob you're still alive" anymore
i'm an adult now i have to take responsibility but i can barely look around me and put 2 in 2 with what's going on! everything feels pointless, the weight is exhausting, and I hate myself
i don't even care about an end goal where "i'm happy" i don't need to be happy i don't need to be fulfilled i just wanna be content, I wanna be able to wake up and NOT go "god another day to crawl through" and it's hard, life is so hard and exhausting but life and time do not understand and don't compromise, society isn't gonna stop for me to figure my trash out, and I know i'm the only one who can help myself out of this sinkhole but, it feels pointless, the sinkhole has no end to me, i'v fought for some long putting anymore hope in "oh it'll get better" won't work cause guess what i've been living and it HAS NOT been getting better, there is no gets better there are ups and downs but it's just a matter of when will this down have a rise, or am i too deep to even be able to reach it?
it's exhausting and i'm tired, i don't care to be normal or happy or whatever i just for one day wanna be given a break, it's so tiring
@lemonngrass
Thank you for sharing your struggles with us. It sounds like you're carrying a heavy load with all the mental health challenges you're facing. I want you to know that you're not alone in feeling this way, and it's understandable to feel exhausted and hopeless. It takes a lot of strength to keep going when everything feels pointless, and I'm proud of you for continuing to exist through it all.
It's okay to not have a clear end goal or to not know how to work towards it right now. It's important to focus on taking care of yourself in the present moment and finding small ways to cope with the overwhelming feelings. It's also okay to seek support from others, whether it's a therapist, a listener or a trusted friend or family member. Remember, you don't have to go through this alone.
Please know that you are deserving of a break, and I hope that you're able to find some peace and rest soon. You're doing the best you can, and that's enough ❤️
@lemonngrass
It sounds like you're going through a really difficult time with your mental health, and it's causing a lot of distress in your life. It's understandable that you feel exhausted and hopeless, and it's tough to feel like you're just existing and not really living. It's clear that you're struggling to find motivation or purpose, and it's frustrating to feel like you're not making any progress. It's important to acknowledge how difficult this is for you and to give yourself credit for continuing to try to move forward despite these challenges.