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lilrezvert
1 150 M Embraced 1
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts11 Forum posts8 Forum upvotes9 Current upvotes9 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2022 Member sinceNovember 5, 2021
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I'm so scared!!
Relationship Stress / by lilrezvert
Last post
 February 2nd, 2022
...See more I just have a small problem. But I'm gonna tell about everything. So that it'll make sense. This is gonna be long. I have this online friend. Let's call her Jinsei. I met her on a Discord server. Let's say it was a rapper server. We'll call the rapper Lil Clone. She was getting stalked. And she posted on the server "anybody wanna be this person's (the stalker) friend?" I said "that's kinda shady". She said "whatever". I moved on. Then couple minutes later I came back. I said to her okay I'm gonna be their friend. She said okay. I DMed that person. We talked. We really didn't get along it. After that I DMed her about it. Saying we didn't get along. She didn't reply. I didn't mind. I didn't sent a second text cuz I didn't wanted to disturb her. Then when I almost forgot about it she DMed me. She said sorry for not replying (I'm really checking our old conversation so nothing I say is wrong). I said it's okay. She asked how I am. I said I'm good (I was using smiley faces. It looks weird now). I asked how she was. She said she's good. She asked me who's in my pfp. I said King Von (our first conversation was the time when Demon music video dropped). She said I should've texted her again. I said I thought you didn't wanted to talk to me. She said I'm down to talk to anyone. She asked me how old I am. I said I'm 15. I asked how old she is. She said she's 14. I asked her you listen to Lil Clone? I love him! She said yes. Lil Clone is a really talented artist. I told her yes I agree. But he gets a lot of hate which makes me sad (I used a sad emoji. Feels weird). She asked me my pronouns. I said he/him. I asked her pronouns. She said she/her. She said nice to meet you. I said nice to meet you too. I asked her what your favorite artists (my conversation starter was talking about music). She named some them. She asked me the same question. I named some of my favorite artists. I told her I write songs. She wanted to see it (I haven't produced them at that time). I sent her one of the best song I've wrote. Which was emo (unfortunately). It was about a friend whom I lost (not dead I just lost them). That is our first conversation. I texted her the next day. We went a little personal on that conversation. I asked her name. She said you first (she used a smiley face. Looks innocent now. I miss that. I miss that so much. I'm breaking apart writing this). I said my name. Then she said her name. I asked where she from (I never did that after that. I learned my lesson. I'm never gonna ask where a person is from ever again online). She said where she's from. So we live on the opposite sides of the planet. She asked me where I'm from. And that's the moment I made the biggest mistake of my life. I fked up at that moment. I named a whitey country. The thing is I'm so scared of racism. I'm not good with dealing with it at all. So I lied. It was my fault. I learned my lesson. It's cool. The next day she asked me how I was. I wasn't doing good. And I get driven by my emotions all the times. So I told her about it. I told her about my problems. She understood them. She was nice. She became a special person to me. She became important to me. So another day I was online and she texted me what you doing up so late? I live in the opposite side of the planet so it was day for me. And because I lied she thought it was night. I told her about my lie. She said it was sus. But I give off decent person vibe. But she still blocked me. I was so fking heartbroken. But I needed that kick in the teeth. I moved on After couple of days I met a person on another server (let's call him Ching). We became friends. And he wanted to know where I live. I would've lied but because of what happened with me I didn't lie. Instead I refused to answer that question. But he kept forcing me. Tired of him I told him about what happened with me for lying. I told him I would've lied but I'm not doing that. Aren't you happy that atleast I'm not lying? He asked me for her ID. I refused to give it to him. I knew he's gonna tell her about my lying and why I did that and to unblock me. That'll just make me more sus. After alot of arguing (he's fking annoying), he tricked me. He said I just wanna be friends. You said she's caring. I'm like okay. He just wanna be friends. I gave him her ID. Couple minutes later I got a friend request from Jinsei. I was like so pissed at Ching. I didn't accept the request that day. I was thinking of not accepting it cuz I was embarrassed. But I did the next day. Told her everything between Ching and me. Told her I definitely didn't gave him her ID on purpose, he tricked me. I told her about everything. Turns out Ching said I was gonna try suicide (Ching did a lot of weird things as long as him and I was associated. He's blocked now). She said she's careful on the internet. So she blocked me. And we talked. Even though it was so uncomfortable for me, I liked I was back with her. I thank Ching for doing atleast one good thing in his life (he was not a good person). That's the first part of the story. After that we just talked as usual. She was very nice. I love talking with her. She would always make me happy Until one day. There was an earthquake. It woke me up. After shaking for couple minutes I couldn't go back to sleep. So I logged into Discord. She was online. I texted her about it. She reacted weirdly. She just said oh cool. Atleast ask me if I'm okay bro. But I didn't mind. But that day I realized she was trying to ignore me for a long time. I used to sent her songs and she would say thanks. Than if I ask tell me about Drake's verse? Tell me about Travis's verse? Who's verse was better? She wouldn't reply. She just say thanks and that's all. I would sent her memes and she wouldn't react to them. I would sent her lyrics from songs I like but she wouldn't react. And I realized all this after that earthquake. But I didn't tell her about this. I just talked to her as usual. But it was just hi and how are you and what you doing and what you upto. At this time she actually shared her photo with me. But... But all the ignoring and stuff... I don't think she really trusts me. But she acts nice all the time. And I feel like she's just being nice. She doesn't really mean it. It's all fake. Cause she starts ignoring me all the time. So couple of days ago I apologised for everything. I get driven by my emotions all the time so I spammed her with 50-60 messages saying sorry. She was nice. She said it's okay nothing to apologize for. But still I didn't really think she meant it. She'd be happy if I stopped texting her. I felt like she's just being nice. Two days after that I woke up from sleep and logged into Discord. There was a text from her. She said she's deleting her Discord account. She said "Discord account" not "just Discord". But if she deleted her Discord account it would've said deleted account. So she didn't really delete her account she just deleted Discord off her device. I had a mini heart attack when I saw that. She was the most important friend I've ever had even though things where kinda messy lately. I wanted to fix that mess. That's the reason I apologised. Then two days later she says she's deleting her account. I was so heartbroken and I texted her if I can contact her somewhere else. She never replied. And she never came online But she had her Instagram in her about me. I searched for it. The username ain't exactly the same as the one in her about me but there where proves that the account I found was her account. Driven by my emotions I DMed her. I said "you're Jinsen right? recognize me?" It's been two days. I decided if she didn't reply I would delete my texts tomorrow. But she texts me today I dont have the same username in both platforms. But I had a Lil Uzi Vert vs. The World coverart in my Discord profile picture. And I have a fanart of that coverart in my Instagram profile picture which looks almost similar. Easy to recognize me right? She texted me "who are you". Exactly the same as I typed, all lowercase, no question mark. I thought she would be like "yeah, I recognize you!!" but instead she said "who are you". And I'm anxious about it. I'm thinking everything I thought about her hating me and ignoring me is true. I'm scared. She's supposed to recognize me right? Why would she say that? I got vaccinated today and my hand hurts like fk. But I still typed all of this for 3 hours skipping all my works and even in my bed. I just want this to work out. Should I just sent her one text saying my name and nothing else and wait for her reply? Or just ignore it and move on? I dont want my heart getting broken hearing from her that she hates me. I'm totally ready to move on so I wanna make the right decision. Thank you so much you came this far. Even if you can't help I'm so happy you atleast cared. Fun fact I got to know about this site from her. She was really caring. I loved her so much. Until this mess happened
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my mom doesn't understand
Family & Caregivers / by lilrezvert
Last post
 November 16th, 2021
...See more my mom is really abusive. she doesn't understand me. she doesn't care about me. but afterall she's my mother. and my belief is really strong. im alive right now just for my belief that my life is a gift and i cant waste it. my belief tells me "that's your mother. act like it. respect her." and i do just that. she also manipulates me in every way of my life. but i cant help it. i listen to my belief that she's my mother and i have to act like it. but after she gets her work done she always breaks my heart. she acts nice and all sweet when she's manipulating me and when her work is done i start getting abused. i really dont tell her about my feelings. but i really thought about it. and today i did. i was expecting her not to understand. but i hoped. the only thing that gets me going. but pushes me through the edge all the time. and my expectation was true. she didn't understand. she gave me that i-dont-care vibe and threatened me she'll tell everyone false information about me. which always happens. i just get manipulated easily and fall in her traps. and i feel worse tham ever.
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i just wanna leave this place
Family & Caregivers / by lilrezvert
Last post
 November 16th, 2021
...See more i dont like my family. they're all abusive. all throughout my life all i can see is myself getting abused. and i cant even accept the truth that my family is the worst people in the world. everyone be like mom's cooking is the best while i rarely get good food. im rarely getting meals everyday in the right time. but i still say yeah mom's cooking is the best cuz i dont wanna believe my mom is a sadist who would be happy if she didn't have to give me food. everyone be like yo we went to the beach we had the best time in my life while my family doesn't even let me go out with my friends. everyone be like family is everything when my family doesn't even like it when im happy. and i never told anyone about it cuz i myself cant even accept what happens to me. i just wanna leave this place. i would like to be alive if i don't have to see their faces and deal with them.
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