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limegreenTree6015
209 M Embraced 2
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts13 Forum posts13 Forum upvotes18 Current upvotes18 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2018 Member sinceJanuary 3, 2018
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This loneliness is so painful, but I think I am learning from it
Depression Support / by limegreenTree6015
Last post
 May 1st, 2018
...See more I wrote this last night in a depression forum and I found this forum today. A lot more came out than I expected. I hate being alone but I need to be. I keep getting into these toxic relationships. The last one I really thought I was helping but she was just using me. She is a narcissist and I was clueless. I don't know how to maintain friendships and I don't want to commit to anything or anyone because I am so terrible at it, I mean I am not a player, I just commit to abusive women. I have this need to have a warm body next to me, not for sex, but for not being alone. I don't understand that part of me. I am willing to be abused to not be alone, but why? It feels like an addiction and I need a fix real bad. What is wrong with me? Why am I such a needy person? I probably have PTSD from the abuse and theatrics of my last warm body. I keep asking, "why can't I have someone to be with who treats me like I treat her?" , I don't understand. I am trying to live with this isolation. I have contact with people at group and other places, but bed time is horrible. I get to keep the house clean and the bed made and watch anything I want to, but this is so hard. I really hate this, but I can't allow myself to even look for a woman because I am an idiot. I'll just get into another toxic relationship and the cycle continues. It really is like a powerful addiction and I need a fix, I am going through withdrawals. It's painful and humiliating. I am a big, husky man. Strong and fearless and kind and gentle, a U.S. Army veteran and a descendant of Vikings, able to fix anything, make anything out almost anything, able to endure unimaginable physical pain, but I feel like a baby needing his mommy, weak and feeble, unable to be alone at night, a coward to my very core, a wimp, a pushover, a disgusting excuse of a man. A poser. Is there anything worse? I hate myself for this. I disgust myself for this neediness and weakness. I am not suicidal, but I wish I could just die. I wish I was never born. My secret is out, I have bared my curse, my embarrassment, my soul. I don't know where to go from here. Do any of you?
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I am depressed and confused and in pain.
Depression Support / by limegreenTree6015
Last post
 March 5th, 2018
...See more I have been trying to figure out this web site. I posted in the Newbie section hoping to be acknowledged but nothing. I am re-posting it here so maybe someone will notice. I am an Aspie and reaching out is hard for me. I also have fibromyalgia and it is getting bad today, a flare up. I'm not trying to be a jerk or impatient so please read this and it's up to you. I am a 54 year old man who is trying to recover from an eight year relationship with a woman, whom I found out from her daughter, is a narcissist and possibly paranoid schizophrenic, who tried to light herself on fire. I may have PTSD from that and the verbal abuse I endured from her. Before her I was married to a very cruel woman who also verbally abused me. I feel like such a idiot for getting into bad relationships and staying for so long. I keep asking myself "WHY?" Who am I? I am in counseling and attend group, which is helping, but I am so confused and frustrated. I am on SSDI for major depression and bi-polar disorder and also have Asperger's Syndrome and probably PTSD. I am in almost constant pain from arthritis and fibromyalgia. I cry a lot and am trying to get better, but some days it seems like too much. I am not suicidal, I could never do that to my kids, but I look forward to that day when the pain ends, whenever that may be. I own two trailers next to each other that my brother bought for me. I live in one and my middle daughter lives in the other one. She comes over and checks on me several times a day but I am alone. I hate being alone, but I need to stop getting into those relationships. I need to be alone to find out who I am, to get a clue as to why I do what I do. I thought I was helping, but I was just being used. Her daughter saved my life and we have a great relationship. Her visits are a highlight of my dreary existence. I am hurting today and am really hoping I am not headed for a flare up, but they happen when they happen. I am going to bed as soon as I am done here. I have a lot to live for and I have hope I can rebound and learn to be better. I want to help others but now I need to heal and I need friends to chat with. I hope some of you will be a friend I can chat with. Thank you for reading this.
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