I am depressed and confused and in pain.
I have been trying to figure out this web site. I posted in the Newbie section hoping to be acknowledged but nothing. I am re-posting it here so maybe someone will notice. I am an Aspie and reaching out is hard for me. I also have fibromyalgia and it is getting bad today, a flare up. I'm not trying to be a jerk or impatient so please read this and it's up to you.
I am a 54 year old man who is trying to recover from an eight year relationship with a woman, whom I found out from her daughter, is a narcissist and possibly paranoid schizophrenic, who tried to light herself on fire. I may have PTSD from that and the verbal abuse I endured from her. Before her I was married to a very cruel woman who also verbally abused me. I feel like such a idiot for getting into bad relationships and staying for so long. I keep asking myself "WHY?" Who am I? I am in counseling and attend group, which is helping, but I am so confused and frustrated.
I am on SSDI for major depression and bi-polar disorder and also have Asperger's Syndrome and probably PTSD. I am in almost constant pain from arthritis and fibromyalgia. I cry a lot and am trying to get better, but some days it seems like too much. I am not suicidal, I could never do that to my kids, but I look forward to that day when the pain ends, whenever that may be.
I own two trailers next to each other that my brother bought for me. I live in one and my middle daughter lives in the other one. She comes over and checks on me several times a day but I am alone. I hate being alone, but I need to stop getting into those relationships. I need to be alone to find out who I am, to get a clue as to why I do what I do. I thought I was helping, but I was just being used. Her daughter saved my life and we have a great relationship. Her visits are a highlight of my dreary existence.
I am hurting today and am really hoping I am not headed for a flare up, but they happen when they happen. I am going to bed as soon as I am done here. I have a lot to live for and I have hope I can rebound and learn to be better. I want to help others but now I need to heal and I need friends to chat with. I hope some of you will be a friend I can chat with. Thank you for reading this.
@limegreenTree6015 hello! Hang in there! You seem to have gone through a lot and right now life seems complicated and sad for you, but you seem to be on the right way to recovery! Although it takes a lot of time and effort, you will get it. For what you say, it seems like you need to get a break from romantic relationships. However, it is probably good to keep those people that make you feel better in your life, and ask them for help when you need it.
I am here for you if you need it. 
@istandbyou Thank you for your kind words and good advice. I am making friends from my group and one of them came over today, which is really cool. This whole "friend" has always been difficult for me to grasp, but I am learning. It's a great group of guys and I am very fortunate to have them. We are all vets and meet at the VA. My counselor is great too and told me pretty much the same thing you did. I have been watching UTube videos on healing and learning to be happy alone and that same advice is common. I absolutely need to forget about any more romantic relationships and be comfortable with myself. That will take time, I know, but I'm learning. I have a lot of shifting emotions and moods, fine, then sad, then fine again. A lot to still sort out. Thank you again.
@limegreenTree6015
I'm sorry you are going through all this and having a particularly hard day.
Being alone is difficult - as we are often left to our own thoughts and those aren't always the most helpful to have around. Working through things isn't easy either nor is trying to figure out why we do what we do. We often have to pause and check on our own welfare and filter out the noise/conversations in our own heads. Easier said than done - I know - but until you know you and what you need can you really help someone else?
It's difficult sometimes not to want to save the world. Sometimes we think we can rescue people or help change situations beyond our control. It's hard to learn what we can and can not change. There are people out there that look for people who like to rescue others and allow themselves to be rescued. Don't blame yourself -- you were most likely targeted and succumbed to the gaslighting.
I wish I knew something that would help you specifically - but I don't. We all have to process our traumas differently - though the process seems similar to the process of grieving to me. You don't want to see it or you don't want to accept it happened to you, you get mad (because you're hurt), then you get sad (because of the guilt of letting yourself get hurt or not being able to stop it sooner). then you look back and start saying things you could have done differently to maybe have changed things (hindsight is 20/20 but it isn't without distortions), you then regret getting yourself into the situation, and finally (and it may not be anytime soon) you realize it happened, you can't change it, but you can learn from it and move forward better armed to deal with life and similar situations.
Things are a little slow to responses sometimes... sometimes it's hard to figure out what to say when you get a little bit of the situation but not all of and you are afraid you might say something to make things worse. I hope things improve for you and I apologize for my ramblings -- I'm in tumbleweed mode right now.
Take care
@diplomaticconfucious Wow! You nailed it. That is so much of what I have been dealing with. My thoughts get so jumbled and fast I call it my thought tornado. It is, for me, just as you described. Thank you so much for your kind words, they help. She always would say I was gaslighting her. I was trying to help, to be a "hero" of sorts and I was wrong about that.
I have to admit, you hit a nerve. It is a bit unsettling, but when it hurts, it's probably the truth and needs addressing. I guess if maturing was easy everyone would do it. You have helped me. Thank you.
@limegreenTree6015
I'm glad my tumbling and rambling made some sense. Sorry if it was blunt at some point ... that"s how I tend to be.
I have a tendency to let my thoughts flow when responding, so sometimes I'm not sure where I'm going- but by the end it seems to be relevant and usually what felt like needed to be said.
Take time to heal. Listen to yourself and fillter out the garbage as needed... even if is literally putting it on paper and putting it in the garbage.
Overcoming loneliness, imo, starts in the smallest confines- your head. Declutter it and then you have room for shared thoughts, dreams, etc.
Sorry for rambling again and thanks for the feedback... It's nice to know it makes a difference or not.
@diplomaticconfucious Thank you again for your support. You said you were rambling, but you made perfect sense to me, and I understood you clearly. It's almost like you were seeing my thoughts, I think that's why it struck a nerve and gave me pause, but that is a very good thing and I appreciate so much all that you have said. Please don't apologize. I am one of those who needs a good whack to get my attention and get me moving. I absolutely need unfiltered opinions and thoughts and I really do thank you for yours.
I am starting to remember the lessons I learned over the years, my tools for fixing myself, the rules I had for myself before I tried to be a "hero" and rescue a woman and her child in need. So many of those tools and rules I managed to forget, but I am remembering now and it is comforting. I see the mistakes I made and my motivations that got me in trouble and I will not make those mistakes again. You have helped me and I don't think you ramble at all, to me, it's like music with just the right notes. Thank you again.
@limegreenTree6015
Isn't it amazing how we often forget lessons and the tools we developed along the way to cope and discern?
Somehow along the way they seem to get buried in the muck that overruns our daily life and it isn't until we bring in the shovels and backhoes that we start uncovering them again and realize we had set them aside or let them fall to the side. When we do see them again we take them up, dust them off, put them back in use and write our new experience and lessons to them and try to go forward again.
I'm guilty of this... and my excavation is slow and arduous but I'm finding shards and bulwarks of tools and practices that once stood many a storm, attack, and barrage.
Go forward the best you can. Glad it made sense and has been helpful
@diplomaticconfucious
I am amazed at the things you write. How do you know these things? It took me decades to develop my tools and you seem to know me like a Siamese twin. You seem to have a window into my soul. Thank you so much. Recovering my tools and rules is slow and difficult, but I am finding them. I wish I had an excavator or backhoe, but my pick and shovel are working fine.
I was re-reading your posts and your validation of what I am experiencing, how I went wrong, and how I am healing and I was amazed again. Then I see this post, and I am amazed again. I had no idea anyone else in this world had a clue as to how I have gotten through the hardest times in my life and this one especially and how my tools were lost and how I am finding them. You have helped me more than I can express, so I'll say thank you again.
@limegreenTree6015
We often think we are in the boat alone or on a path alone... we are to an extent. We may not walk in the same exact steps as another or be caught in the same currents and maelstroms of another --- but we often share enough things in common that we can identify, empathize, sympathize, and connect with the person to share lessons, thoughts, ideas, or just say "Hey, I get where you're coming from" or "Sorry you're going through this, it must be hard". Those are two hollow sounding phrases but I don't think we - as people coping - realize how difficult even those phrases can be for someone going or have gone through similar circumstances.
That's what makes 7cups so popular - especially the forums. It's a chance to know that we aren't alone in what we are going through and it gives us a chance to be reached out to and to reach out to others - to bolster, to share, to learn, to heal, to grow, and to connect.
I just go with the flow when I write -- no idea where some of it comes from part of the time, I just write what feels the direction it needs to go so let it go. Glad it makes sense - especially in tumbleweed mode as I don't even know where I'm going most of the time when I'm in it.
Stay strong. Keep reconstructing your tools and don't forget to discover new ones - sometimes old ones don't work so well with our new selves. Don't beat yourself up - you've lived, you've loved, you've learned, and now you're moving into a new chapter.
I feel like Ive always been a nutcase!! I haven't drunk alcohol for 23 years so that's pretty good. Left an abusive partner 2.5 years ago. I get depressed when I have no money (now) and I see everything that is wrong with my life. I have two amazing kids Joseph and Lucinda 15 and 9. They are my reason to keep going. I suppose I will be alright😊
@sociableField7605 Thank you for reading my post and writing to me. You are not someone I would consider to be a nutcase. To leave an abusive partner and then be able to stop drinking is pretty amazing, I think. Those acts take a lot of inner strength and courage, things I still need to develop. I also get depressed when I am broke so I get that and I also will beat myself up about all the thousands of things I've done wrong or haven't done or should have done. For some reason we do that but from your post I see lots of things that are right with your life like responding to me, a stranger in need, leaving an abusive partner, quitting alcohol, even caring deeply about having no money and I would bet it's because you have two amazing kids to provide for, and the fact that you do have two amazing kids in a tough age whom you care for every day, who are your reason to keep going, and your insuppressible hope that you will be alright. You sound pretty amazing to me. I have five adult children and I know what a bad parent is because I was one. Honestly, you are doing way more right than I did, so give them a hug and keep being amazing.