This loneliness is so painful, but I think I am learning from it
I wrote this last night in a depression forum and I found this forum today. A lot more came out than I expected.
I hate being alone but I need to be. I keep getting into these toxic relationships. The last one I really thought I was helping but she was just using me. She is a narcissist and I was clueless. I don't know how to maintain friendships and I don't want to commit to anything or anyone because I am so terrible at it, I mean I am not a player, I just commit to abusive women. I have this need to have a warm body next to me, not for sex, but for not being alone. I don't understand that part of me. I am willing to be abused to not be alone, but why? It feels like an addiction and I need a fix real bad. What is wrong with me? Why am I such a needy person? I probably have PTSD from the abuse and theatrics of my last warm body. I keep asking, "why can't I have someone to be with who treats me like I treat her?" , I don't understand.
I am trying to live with this isolation. I have contact with people at group and other places, but bed time is horrible. I get to keep the house clean and the bed made and watch anything I want to, but this is so hard. I really hate this, but I can't allow myself to even look for a woman because I am an idiot. I'll just get into another toxic relationship and the cycle continues. It really is like a powerful addiction and I need a fix, I am going through withdrawals. It's painful and humiliating. I am a big, husky man. Strong and fearless and kind and gentle, a U.S. Army veteran and a descendant of Vikings, able to fix anything, make anything out almost anything, able to endure unimaginable physical pain, but I feel like a baby needing his mommy, weak and feeble, unable to be alone at night, a coward to my very core, a wimp, a pushover, a disgusting excuse of a man. A poser. Is there anything worse? I hate myself for this. I disgust myself for this neediness and weakness. I am not suicidal, but I wish I could just die. I wish I was never born.
My secret is out, I have bared my curse, my embarrassment, my soul. I don't know where to go from here. Do any of you?
@limegreenTree6015
I think for me, it's a good idea to start focusing on myself first whenever I feel lonely or I'm feeling like I need someone to depend on.
Truth be told I don't think what you're feeling is abnormal, I think it's just natural for people to feel like they need to be with someone. But I just wanna say that, even with people who are in a relationship, they still have times when they feel like they are lonely as well, frankly I myself believe that loneliness has nothing to do with people. Personally I feel the loneliest when I'm with my friends, it's the feeling of not being understood even when I'm with someone that scares me, and that to me is frightening. So I think it's important to start to focus on myself first whenever I'm feeling this way. Can't find someone I can depend on? Why not becoming someone that others can depend on instead! Can't find a friend to catch a movie with me? Well why don't I just have a me-day by myself, why not? It helps me, not sure will it help you! 
@limegreenTree6015 I can relate to this so much. Sucks to feel the need of someone else even if they hurt you so bad.
What I can tell you is when you feel that "need" find something to distract yourself, then the needing stops for a while. Something simple like going for a walk or for food can help too. Every step you take to overcome this is important and be proud of you for taking that step.