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lolita9824
1 1,998 M Hopeful Heart 2
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts61 Forum posts20 Forum upvotes30 Current upvotes30 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2026 Member sinceMarch 25, 2022
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Dismissed from graduate program due to poor performance
Work & Career / by lolita9824
Last post
 March 1st
...See more For context, I was in a double-doctoral degree program and am now dismissed from one of them due to struggles in my performance in the first.  Doesn't sound so bad right :) Finally, my impostor syndrome is validated. Rationally? Perhaps there is a real reason why I struggle. Something isn't right about this path I was heading on. Just recalibrate. Everything 's gonna be okay.  But emotionally? Feelings at the moment: UNCHOSEN.  I got a small glimpse of my dream career, but like a dream, it finally vanished. I got a small glimpse of what romantic love feels like, but like a dream, the relationship shattered.  My parents and my sister say they will support me financially and told me not to worry, but I feel like a grown bird who hasn't left its nest after years of trying. My sister and I were quite close and used to exchange long deep conversations (with mostly her supporting me emotionally). But now, she, too, must un-choose me. She and her husband both have prestigious jobs and have a young toddler, and they're planning on another baby. She has what I am currently reeling for not having. We stoped exchanging long texts, and me in my attempt to stop depending on her for emotional support, am slowly deleting all my messages to her.  All I want now is a safe roof over my head and food to eat. That's all. I no longer dare to dream of more. 
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Saw my ex publicly interacting with multiple porn accounts and it's sickening
The Church Cares / by lolita9824
Last post
 February 28th
...See more I'm so disturbed by this. Even though we no longer date, he was my high school friend for a longer time and I've seen him going through multiple failed relationships and having a negative view on women.  Most of all is seeing him engaging publicly with porn content creators in his real identifiable name and photo, in an account that has followers and followings who are people in his real life, like his ex, or daughter of his old teacher, people at church...  The people he respect (his pastor/counsellor, his parents, his old teachers), the people that look up to him (he has younger siblings), his future date (if he ever truly take dating seriously) ... IF they look him up, they will see. The lack of respect and regard for his self dignity and that of his community is hideous, in my opinion. Fine, do it if you must, but at least do it privately? I honestly don't know what's going on with him. He is not someone who is "open-minded" about sex. He is a self-proclaim Christian, traditional man, goes to church, wants to get married. He hate on men who has multiple sex partners. He hates on women and think so many of them just want sex. Yet here he is chasing after onlyfans girls.  I feel so disgusted and confused. I've even let him know what i saw, but he refused communication with me. 
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just a day - journaling
Anxiety Support / by lolita9824
Last post
 December 2nd, 2025
...See more I'm a 27yo woman future PhD student. I'm alone and lonely. I wanna document my day-to-day so I feel less alone in facing my fears.  i'm dreading the phd exploration process. i'm sorting through the list of mentors and picking out good fits but yet to make a move. Is this too early to send an email? Is near-holiday times a bad timing to start reaching out? But i actually have more free time now.  I don't know.  i'm debating whether to go home to my parents for the holiday. i don't even know how to explain it lol. I did go back, then i left early, because i had a severe eczema flare at their house, and also they were moving to a different city. so now they are hoping for me to fly back to them to their new place, but i'm tired. TIRED. From my eczema. And plans to study and whatever. I just want to stay put in my own apartment. But then I feel guilty of not spending time with my parents.  I'm so socially anxious but also dreading loneliness
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Loneliness
Relationship Stress / by lolita9824
Last post
 August 8th, 2025
...See more Talked to tech support while at home the other night. His voice was calm and soothing. Patient with me. I was all alone. I started wishing we could talk more than tech support… But there was nothing more to that.
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Sitting motionless in my chair in my bedroom
Depression Support / by lolita9824
Last post
 August 7th, 2025
...See more I'm sitting motionless in my chair in my bedroom, with my headphone on. Not doing anything I'm supposed to do. It's comfortable. I like my room. It's safe. I never want to leave. The music is comforting. I never want to leave. I had an argument with family members who made me feel like ***. Now i blocked them. Nobody likes me. I'm no good for anything. I can't change. I can't take good advice. I'm a loser. They say I should change yet ignore that this is too overwhelming to change. I do not want to do this anymore.  I do not want to do this anymore.  I do not want to do this anymore.  I do not want to do this anymore.  I do not want to do this anymore.
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Not being able to follow advice and feeling like I have no way out
Work & Career / by lolita9824
Last post
 August 8th, 2025
...See more I'm in med school, struggling immensely and going through a phase of deep depression about whether this is what i want to do. I can't seem to follow advice on how to do better despite people giving me those proper advice.  Excercise more? Like, I am already on my feet enough in the hospital during the day.  Don't let other people affect your mood? Well I have to work with them, and seeing everyone able to make friends while you being socially awkward cannot make any. And just pretend none of that is happening?  So, talking to online friends is wrong? Doing a little *** and vibing with someone who's nice with me and not doing anything physically unsafe is wrong?  Deliberately holding onto feelings toward an ex-boyfriend is wrong - said the sibling who's happily married with her first love and never had an ex-boyfriend LOL.  I was writing about suicide but it won't let me post. ------ I'm letting go. I'm letting it all go. Float away. Irretrievably floating away. The hours, the opportunities, the responsibilities... Just watching them all drift away gone with the wind. 
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Just an unsent letter to a no-contact ex
Relationship Stress / by lolita9824
Last post
 May 8th, 2025
...See more I’m worried about you. I’m afraid you won’t be able to find the peace you were seeking and accusing me of not bringing it to you. Of course if you do, I am happy for you. But I’m worried you’re left without.  I love you, I care for you, I’ll wait for you. Please reconcile with me.  I am angry at you. I’m not the type you’re looking for, I’m don't meet your “standard”, yet you used me, because you enjoyed being my first, you enjoyed me being a virgin and not overweight. You said I didn’t serve any of your needs yet you were blatantly using me. Horrid. Sometimes I’m still so angry at you. Scared of you. Impossible to move on from you. I still want to reconcile, I miss you, I feel bad leaving you. I’ll still be here for you. I’m never blocking you no more. I thought it’s you who wanted to unblock and be distant friends. But if you talk to me again please don’t just expect me to act sweet like nothing ever happened? And then keep justifying yourself? I know the way you treated me like others don’t. I know you can lie. I know you can cheat. I know you like girls’ attention. When you were young you wished you had a little sister. When you were dating your ex-girlfriend you screw around with other girls in college til the school kicked you out. And now when you’re an adult you say you want a daughter. Don’t say never. I know you deny a lot of things. Because of that I’m worried for you.  I want to be there if there’s ever a day when you want to see me for what I was worth. I want to be there for you, I love you, that has never changed since we last talked, even in the midst of my poorly controlled anger on you. 
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Why am I often the last one to text before someone stop answering me?
Anxiety Support / by lolita9824
Last post
 May 3rd, 2025
...See more Hi, 27F here, shy with social anxiety, few friends and not good at keeping in touch with people except for professional purposes. Sometimes an old friend or teacher, old acquaintance who I never see for years reach out to me to check in/catch up I would reply warmly. I’m rarely the one to initiate a text but when someone text me I’d text back warmly. I try to follow the rules like asking questions about how they’re doing and being inquisitive specifically to what they mentioned, whether it be job or family. For example if they mention their baby/toddler a couple times, then I say like "that's so sweet" and ask for the baby/toddler's name. I also try to not overshare about myself or over-ask about them - but at the same time I feel like I “need” to engage and extend the conversation because *they* were the one reaching out to me. I would use chatgpt to refine my text messages and ask it if that’s appropriate to include (because I’m so anxious without a second opinion about my text). I know chatgpt don’t know anything about my relationship with this person and it’s not a reliable judge but usually when it says my message is warm and appropriate then I’d go with it.  Then they just stop answering after like 2 texts. My questions which were asked as an attempt of courtesy and thoughtfulness were unanswered. I’m not too bothered by it, “whatever, they started this”, but still feel kinda bummed and wondering why. Is the way I text wrong? So... next time don't bother to learn the baby's name? Moving forward I feel maybe it’s best to just be brief and superficial. I tell myself don’t invest. Cut back on the warm expressions. And don’t feel guilty to let the other person have the last text and leave them on read. It's still hard because that's not really my way. 
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