Just an unsent letter to a no-contact ex

I’m worried about you. I’m afraid you won’t be able to find the peace you were seeking and accusing me of not bringing it to you. Of course if you do, I am happy for you. But I’m worried you’re left without. 

I love you, I care for you, I’ll wait for you. Please reconcile with me. 

I am angry at you. I’m not the type you’re looking for, I’m don't meet your “standard”, yet you used me, because you enjoyed being my first, you enjoyed me being a virgin and not overweight. You said I didn’t serve any of your needs yet you were blatantly using me. Horrid. Sometimes I’m still so angry at you. Scared of you. Impossible to move on from you. I still want to reconcile, I miss you, I feel bad leaving you. I’ll still be here for you. I’m never blocking you no more. I thought it’s you who wanted to unblock and be distant friends. But if you talk to me again please don’t just expect me to act sweet like nothing ever happened? And then keep justifying yourself?

I know the way you treated me like others don’t. I know you can lie. I know you can cheat. I know you like girls’ attention. When you were young you wished you had a little sister. When you were dating your ex-girlfriend you screw around with other girls in college til the school kicked you out. And now when you’re an adult you say you want a daughter. Don’t say never. I know you deny a lot of things. Because of that I’m worried for you. 

I want to be there if there’s ever a day when you want to see me for what I was worth. I want to be there for you, I love you, that has never changed since we last talked, even in the midst of my poorly controlled anger on you.