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lousylu
534 M Embraced 4
PathStep 60 Compassion hearts16 Forum posts16 Forum upvotes23 Current upvotes23 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2020 Member sinceNovember 30, 2018
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I don't know what to do
Depression Support / by lousylu
Last post
 December 4th, 2018
...See more I know it'll get better, I know there is still hope. I'm not all depression, I still can see the reality, the logic that my depression tries to hide from me, that this will pass. But the contradicting thing is, I feel like hell. I'm so empty, numb, irritated at everything for no reason, I just want to scream and sob but I feel so empty and done with everything. I feel so mentally heavy and useless, weak, hopeless, that thing where no adjectives of depression symptoms can even begin to describe the immense burden you feel tight in your chest and heart, everywhere. Emotions: I want to die. Logic, reality: This will pass. Hope is still there. Me: I don't want to die. Contradictions, contradictions, I feel like I'm going "crazy", I can't take this and I just want it to stop, BUT, I don't want to kill myself. I do, but I don't in the sense that I wont. I know I'm going to be an author when I graduate with a degree in writing, I know recovery will happen and i just have to hang in there to experience it, and it'll be worth it. I know that. But in the moments where I feel so trapped, so stuck, so dead inside and numb that every breath hurts, when I know I can't die and I wont, I don't want to, what am I supposed to do? I'm trapped between life and death, I won't die because I don't want to but I don't even feel alive and I know I just have to wait out the wave and then it'll be more manageable, that's how these mood swings go, but DURING them is what is so frustrating. i don't know what to do with myself. Mostly I just take a nap... Ugh😭
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The "ugly / insecure" part of having BPD
Personality Disorders Support / by lousylu
Last post
 December 17th, 2018
...See more There are some things I experience that make me feel like such a horrible, morbid person. My obsessiveness over friendships and people I attach myself to come with the opposite as well, I know people experience strong attachments, obsessiveness, constant worry about them being mad, etc. But I notice I also experience somewhat the opposite of that? If I feel they aren't caring and I feel starved of attention, if I'm not depressed I get angry? I get angry and I tell myself "I hate them, I never needed them any way they're trash, bye! I hate them I hate them." And I feel I'm about to cut them out of my life-- even though all that's happened is they haven't replied in A FEW HOURS. After they finally reply, it all vanishes and I'm back to adoring them... it makes me feel so stupid and dramatic, I hate that about myself.... does that happen to anyone else? Those severe, sudden fluctuations reactive upon the people you are attatched to's actions-- real or not, regardless of the logic of "they might just be busy"? Also, i suddenly feel like "I'm going to kill myself or hurt myself to hurt them!" And I feel calm about it (don't worry, I never act on it, trust me when it comes to pain I' m an absolute baby and I already have my future all planned, I'm not suicidal and am doing pretty well on time clean from self harm :D) ...I feel so toxic. Ahh. I don't know why that happens, or if its 'normal' but it sure makes me feel stupid about myself and ahhhh I don't know
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