I don't know what to do
I know it'll get better, I know there is still hope. I'm not all depression, I still can see the reality, the logic that my depression tries to hide from me, that this will pass.
But the contradicting thing is,
I feel like hell.
I'm so empty, numb, irritated at everything for no reason, I just want to scream and sob but I feel so empty and done with everything.
I feel so mentally heavy and useless, weak, hopeless, that thing where no adjectives of depression symptoms can even begin to describe the immense burden you feel tight in your chest and heart, everywhere.
Emotions: I want to die.
Logic, reality: This will pass. Hope is still there.
Me: I don't want to die.
Contradictions, contradictions, I feel like I'm going "crazy", I can't take this and I just want it to stop, BUT, I don't want to kill myself. I do, but I don't in the sense that I wont. I know I'm going to be an author when I graduate with a degree in writing, I know recovery will happen and i just have to hang in there to experience it, and it'll be worth it. I know that.
But in the moments where I feel so trapped, so stuck, so dead inside and numb that every breath hurts, when I know I can't die and I wont, I don't want to, what am I supposed to do? I'm trapped between life and death, I won't die because I don't want to but I don't even feel alive and I know I just have to wait out the wave and then it'll be more manageable, that's how these mood swings go, but DURING them is what is so frustrating. i don't know what to do with myself. Mostly I just take a nap... Ugh😭
Hello there dear!
I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling with all these negative emotions and thoughts, yet so happy you're keeping faith that things will change for the better! :) Are you getting any professional help for these depression, doing any therapy? That would be really helpful for the recovery.
Also I think it's great that you're already projecting yourself into the future author you will become and maybe focusing on how meaningful your work will be for the society and others in general could offer you that feeling of worth and value at times your feeling really down. But living too much in the future and projecting all the positivity only there, in what will be, can also be a bit tricky. It's a good start, but I think the best approach would be to try to identify each day the little things around you that make your life significant and beautiful. I know it can be really hard at times and you can feel like nothing at all is worth thinking about as beautiful but it's a useful exercise. And once you manage to identify these things and to amplify the feeling of happiness that derives from that, things will gradually get better.
And one more thing.. don't blame yourself for these contradictions you're mentioning, after all depression is an illness and the fact that these contradictions exist is actually a good sign. It's a sign you're not identifying yourself completely with the depression and this is essential for understanding that we have control over these feelings and that with help and time we can learn to be their master. :)
Take caree!
