The "ugly / insecure" part of having BPD

There are some things I experience that make me feel like such a horrible, morbid person.

My obsessiveness over friendships and people I attach myself to come with the opposite as well, I know people experience strong attachments, obsessiveness, constant worry about them being mad, etc. But I notice I also experience somewhat the opposite of that?

If I feel they aren't caring and I feel starved of attention, if I'm not depressed I get angry?

I get angry and I tell myself "I hate them, I never needed them any way they're trash, bye! I hate them I hate them." And I feel I'm about to cut them out of my life-- even though all that's happened is they haven't replied in A FEW HOURS. After they finally reply, it all vanishes and I'm back to adoring them... it makes me feel so stupid and dramatic, I hate that about myself.... does that happen to anyone else? Those severe, sudden fluctuations reactive upon the people you are attatched to's actions-- real or not, regardless of the logic of "they might just be busy"?

Also, i suddenly feel like "I'm going to kill myself or hurt myself to hurt them!" And I feel calm about it (don't worry, I never act on it, trust me when it comes to pain I' m an absolute baby and I already have my future all planned, I'm not suicidal and am doing pretty well on time clean from self harm :D) ...I feel so toxic. Ahh. I don't know why that happens, or if its 'normal' but it sure makes me feel stupid about myself and ahhhh I don't know