loyalgrapefruit1234 Member Profile

...See more I turned 21 few days ago and After my birthday day i don’t feel really well. Actually i get used to feel that kind of sadness, it comes with age cause it happened when i turned 20 too. But this time i don’t feel like it’s not about aging. Honestly i feel very lucky rn, i have the freedom that i’ve been dreaming about it. I mean it’s not a big deal i am talking about basic things, like wearing whatever i want and deciding whatever i wanted to eat or going events that i wanted to attend. But i realized even though i reached few things that i wanted i am not genuinely happy. For example i’ve been working out about a year almost frequent and now i got myself a rollerblades that i’ve been dreaming about to learn, i am in the choir, i am also creating content on my art accounts and my cover account while i am studying for my major. But i don’t feel the happiness in general. I mean of course i am happy when i am making my hobbies but especially these days i am thinking; where do i want to go, what is my real purpose in this life, literally what the he*l am i doing rn, what is next, what is wrong with me, why am i keep pushing and stressing out myself and what if things aren’t worked out as i wished or what if it will work out, am i going to feel happy? I might exaggerate the things but i swear i am not feeling well. I am very emotional these days i find my eyes filled with tears for no reason or get instantly angry ( i don’t show up my anger i always keep my anger inside of me) Even though i don’t think this is the main reason about my sadness, i have to say i don’t have a proper healthy relationships at all. Oh when i say realitionships my family dinamics are fine for me but obviously not good. I’ve been no contact with my dad for two years. He is a narcissist person( my old therapist told me that) , i am still talking to my mom but she has a borderline. I am not sure about my mom’s mental condition but according to my childhood experiences i am guessing that she has borderline. I had a very good relationship with my best friends(they’re twins) but these days i am super sensitive about our relationship. They are my friends more than 10 years, we grew up together they know everything about me. But these days i can’t stand this busy life dinamics. We are all in same age and going different universities. They are pretty good listeners and i am trying my best to be as good as them. As i said we grew up together so i used to shared every single thought that came to my mind with them since last year. I also ask them about their issues, lifes etc. but they rather to keep it short and not talk as much as i do. Well i am only talking with them that much btw. But i realized it might be super exhausting for the listener even though every single time i am telling my stories with sense of humor, it’s not a healthy way to connect with someone. I stopped making this even though it was very difficult for me to settle this change. By the way i find out this is uncomfortable for them by their behaviors. We never talked this openly. I only read this by their behaviors. First they are starting to respond my messages after 2 days, 3 days, one week even though i responded them immediately and one day i called them to talk while i am going back to my dorm at night and they didn’t respond. They didn’t text anything about not responding to me afterwards. It was fine i told them this when we met, after this they said they’re sorry for that( i was very nervous to open the topic at that time btw) I also realized i am the only one who are planning all the meetings, i am the one texting them first to are they free for a call, they reply these messages late too. By the way we are get along super well and i am very good at reading peoples emotions by their faces but i swear i didn’t even need to read their emotions when we are together , cause it’s very obvious that they are enjoying to hanging out with me. That’s why my mind gets very confused when they’re starting to ignoring my messages. Last time it happened before my birthday. They were keep saying that they want to meet with me. We are celebrating our birthdays all year. we are surprising each others, i am surprising twins with gifts and a cute desert and they are making this too so the reason why they wanted to meet is very obvious. I said maybe we could meet at friday evening and obviously they replied at friday they said they are not available but they replied it late again. My birthday was on monday (the day is not important by the way cause we are celebrating whenever we find a free time.) so i said maybe i could be free on weekends but i have to study so we couldn’t meet. i was feeling a bit down and mad already btw. Cause they are making this for so long and my patience are going by the time. And we can not meet and before my birthday i went a concert at my birthday night so we couldn’t meet at that day too. We also celebrate each other’s birthdays the beginning minutes of birthday day with messages. So they messaged me at my birthday. After my birthday i was going to get rollerblades for my self on thursday so i texted them on tuesday, if they are available in thursday evening we could meet up. one of the twin answered few hours before the meeting time, she said she is busy and other one is not even texting on our text group. We have multiple messaging groups in social media but most of the time i am texting on the message app and one of the twins doesn’t even checking the group in message app. And i get a bit mad. i did the same thing, i didn’t respond them for 3 days i did this before when i feel sad about this situation but that time i didn’t even have to hold myself to not responsing their messages i already don’t wanted to respond. Like i feel broken and right now i don’t know how to talk to them. i want make just one messaging group so they don’t have to check every single social media platform to respond me. And i guess i have to say that it’s making me feel bad when they are replying me late or not replying i feel like i am bothering them. By the way i don’t want to be the annoying karen for feeling bad about this behavior so i don’t know how to explain this to them. Also i know they are busy. i am busy too. if they could be able but put a story or checking out their phone at once. They also could make a quick reply. If they can say that they are busy at that time i don’t force them to talk with me like i am not a monster.

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