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mineruba
6,869 M Moving Along 5
PathStep 62 Compassion hearts118 Forum posts8 Forum upvotes4 Current upvotes4 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2024 Member sinceOctober 25, 2020
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Unhealthy thoughts
Journals & Diaries / by mineruba
Last post
 April 30th, 2021
...See more Sorry i need to write these somewhere I had a meeting today. I didnt talk much and the moment I did the other members felt disturbed by it. They didnt know how to react. Everytime i talk since the previous meetings, somehow it always results to silence or confusion in other people. They have a hard time knowing how to respond to me. I also look down a lot instead of to the camera. I want to get along with everyone and build better relationships with them, but somehow i have so many ideas and need to tell everyone about it. But it always end up confusing and too intense for everyone. Just now my brother said he rly likes junk food. My first instinct was to turn it down bc junk food is bad for him. I didnt react the way he wanted me to react. I looked down, grinned, and went along the lines of "well...". I tried to make it up by asking him what junk food he likes or what he wants to order next time. He didnt want to engage in the conversation. Every little socializing mistakes I make drive me crazy. I was nominated for the "too try hard" student in middle school. I was also always told that the way i try to get along with people is too "try hard". A lot of people deflect from me very quickly after a short chat. Im fully aware but at the same time there's nothing i can do about it. It's torture. I know I should be ok with being independent but it's painful to know that everyone can enjoy company and proper relationships while u dont. The toxic thoughts just keep cycling through.
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Anxious everyday
Anxiety Support / by mineruba
Last post
 October 26th, 2020
...See more I'm an extreme cynic and this has been affecting my mind everyday. The thoughts just repeat over and over again: -I don't want to study, there's no point in anything -I'm not capable enough to take care of myself when my mother passes and she can go away anytime just like how my father did -I'm not as talented, successful, strong and sociable as my colleagues so there's no way I can give myself the safety and security I need -I'm going to waste all of the potential and good people have been putting into me -Haha that idiot doesnt know what he's talking about cant he just shut up -There's no future for anyone and everyone we'll be gone in a few more years -F*ck you hate me right? You're sick of the fact that I never approach you while you always have to be the one to approach me right? I know- just tell me clearly when you want to stop contacting me, well if you don't that's fine either though, just protect yourself from me, I'm not worth your time and effort -I can't live alone I don't know a single thing about caring for myself -I don't want to go back to Japan, I don't like living away from safety, I don't want to face problems on my own anymore, I just want to stay here and not go anywhere -I'm not worth anything or anyone, you guys should just go enjoy yourselves without me -I don't deserve good things -Weak people should just go and die -I'm sorry you must be sick of having such a weak and garbage piece of sh*t as a daughter -Why are you working hard?? You think the world has good things in store for you? What use? What purpose? Your work will never be reciprocated so stop wasting your time
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