Anxious everyday
I'm an extreme cynic and this has been affecting my mind everyday. The thoughts just repeat over and over again:
-I don't want to study, there's no point in anything
-I'm not capable enough to take care of myself when my mother passes and she can go away anytime just like how my father did
-I'm not as talented, successful, strong and sociable as my colleagues so there's no way I can give myself the safety and security I need
-I'm going to waste all of the potential and good people have been putting into me
-Haha that idiot doesnt know what he's talking about cant he just shut up
-There's no future for anyone and everyone we'll be gone in a few more years
-F*ck you hate me right? You're sick of the fact that I never approach you while you always have to be the one to approach me right? I know- just tell me clearly when you want to stop contacting me, well if you don't that's fine either though, just protect yourself from me, I'm not worth your time and effort
-I can't live alone I don't know a single thing about caring for myself
-I don't want to go back to Japan, I don't like living away from safety, I don't want to face problems on my own anymore, I just want to stay here and not go anywhere
-I'm not worth anything or anyone, you guys should just go enjoy yourselves without me
-I don't deserve good things
-Weak people should just go and die
-I'm sorry you must be sick of having such a weak and garbage piece of sh*t as a daughter
-Why are you working hard?? You think the world has good things in store for you? What use? What purpose? Your work will never be reciprocated so stop wasting your time
@mineruba,
It's sounds like are extremely hard on yourself, that's incredibly painful. I don't know your exact experience, but it sounds like there is a lot of shame going on inside of you. You might believe that you don't deserve anything positive, because you might believe that you are defective.
This is not your fault. I know that these are just words from a random person on the internet, but you're ok. You're human, and that's what is beautiful about you.
If I was in your exact situation, what would you tell me?
@ajw99
I'm in my second year of uni but I'm not using my time properly to build my CV. Meanwhile my mother has to work everyday to support us. I've been an overachiever + I have a lot of skills but no student organizations or clubs want to accept me at uni. Once my mother passes, I don't know if I can support myself. I'm probably incapable of change and continue to waste my time and skills away because I have zero self-management and goals in life.
It's ok, I really appreciate your reply.
