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modestwillow
539 M Embraced 4
PathStep 9 Compassion hearts18 Forum posts29 Forum upvotes22 Current upvotes22 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2018 Member sinceFebruary 21, 2018
Bio

Hello, I'm modestwillow. I am a very shy person who loves writing and walking in the rain.

Recent forum posts
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Living in my own world
Depression Support / by modestwillow
Last post
 August 9th, 2018
...See more I recently started work at a grocery store, and it's hard on me emotionally and physically. I feel very depressed and anxious so much in fact that I have begun to live in my own world. I hate where we live, and we won't be moving until February 28th. I mean, I absoultely can't stand anything about the area, the culture, or the people there. I miss my family. I wish that I could runaway and live some where alone and secluded where I can find peace. The only reason that I don't is because I love my significant other more than anything in the world. Tommorow I have to go to work and I am dreading it. I recently had an issue with a manager, and the last day I was there I nearly had a meltdown. Now I have to go to a disabilty hearing because they denied me again and I feel like life is going to hell. I feel like running and running--escaping to somewhere far away. I feel like doing nothing at all except for writing/living in an imaginary world. I often feel that life is hopeless and sad, and the only hope I have is my SO and my family who are so far away. I feel like life is a horribly tangeled mess and I just don't know anymore.
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Worried about starting a job
Anxiety Support / by modestwillow
Last post
 May 6th, 2018
...See more I suffer from Major depression and GAD. Due to our absolute need to move by a certain date, I need to work to save money for this move and for other reasons. I interviewed with the place I wish to work, and it seemed to go well but I don't know if I will be offered the job as there are many interviews and applicants that they most go through. This is making me very anxious and depressed in itself. Anyway, if I do get the job I will have to work 20 hours or more because that is what they need. This is more than I am comfortable with but I am in such a position that I do not have a choice, and also they pay very well. What are some ways that I can deal with and adapt to either outcome: not getting the job, or having to work more hours than I feel comfortable with? I have a doctor's note (which they won't look at until hired.) I have had several jobs end badly in the past...and because of this situation, I can't afford to screw up.
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Majorly Depressed and Anxious
Depression Support / by modestwillow
Last post
 May 1st, 2018
...See more I feel majorly depressed and anxious. I am really tired and not feeling well, so I will try to be to the point of how I am feeling/what is going on. My SO and I are in a really complex situation that is too exhausting to get into minute detail. We are planning to relocate to the coast in ten months. To do that I need to work part time and save money, while living with severe depression and anxiety. I cannot take medication for this due to issues with Medicaid and medication side effects. My mental illnesses are really hard on my SO and myself. I am trying so hard but I feel like I mess everything up. I messed tonight up and now I feel like an idiot. Even though I am painfully tired, I am going to stay up and knit hats to sell beause we need the money so badly to get out of here and this mess. I am so afraid of starting the job and then hating it, being harrassed, or fired. Despite my not feeling well, I want to help. I have to anyway, because the location we are living makes me feel very depressed and anxious. I feel lost.
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Feeling anxiety about working on my art
Anxiety Support / by modestwillow
Last post
 March 5th, 2018
...See more I am a writer (which I am rather good at) and am slowly teaching myself abstract art through a book. It is really important to me to also be a good artist. My best work is usually colored pencil drawings with or without watercolors (sometimes I combine them.) I have gone through a handful of the exercises in the book, but I feel as though everything I create is terrible and I am afraid to go on because I am worried that everything I make will continue to be terrible and bland. I really want to start working with the book again but I am afraid to start and then disapoint myself with failure :/
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Extreme homesickness and sadness
Depression Support / by modestwillow
Last post
 April 30th, 2018
...See more I have depression and anxiety, and it has troubled me since early childhood. For the past few years I have lived in the Midwest. I am from coastal New England. I miss my home so much that it makes me feel sick and sad. Sometimes I feel like a robot. I may be able to move to a different part of coastal New England, but it will probably be temporary and still far from my original home. This is mainly due to my SO's career. It is very likely that we will eventually have to live in California due to his work and I am so frightened and saddened that I could be so far away from my home. I miss the cold and the rain, my family, the culture, the ocean. My SO is having trouble finding a job and I am terrified about our future and I have no idea where we will end up. It is crushing to know that I may never live where I grew up again. I feel like a part of me has been ripped away and I feel such despair. Sometimes I feel like life has no meaning. My SO, our cats, and my mom keeps me together. I have just started to see a therapist. I just dont know where our lives are going, and how I am going to emotionally survive. I hope that maybe in the future that becoming part of a Zen center might help. I don't know.
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