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musashi554
432 M Embraced 3
PathStep 8 Compassion hearts37 Forum posts13 Forum upvotes8 Current upvotes8 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2022 Member sinceMay 22, 2021
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Push on after 6 years or let go?
Relationship Stress / by musashi554
Last post
 April 25th, 2022
...See more I’ve been with my current boyfriend for a little over 6 years now. Things have been rocky for a lot of our relationship. When we first started dating problems rose up and we broke up about 2 times. Each time we ended up back together. Things started getting really bad when we both left our toxic work place (we also worked together) I leaving first and him not long after due to an entirely separate incident. I bounced back quickly landing a job I’ve been at for 4 years now! It took him nearly a year to bounce back and get going. I’m this time he moved back home which in theory was to help on money, but instead it seemed he began getting worse. I noticed he began drinking heavily, which I knew would not be good for the depression he already struggled with. Throughout this time I have been trying my hardest to better myself mentally and grow as a person. I feel as though he’s trapped in one place refusing to see a problem. He did eventually get a job about a year later which did not last long. Now after completely blowing off a good opportunity with a job he tells me he is applying places but I’m not sure I trust it. Ideally I know the type of person I want to be with and I feel myself questioning if that person is him.. the hard part is I feel as though im making a mistake if I leave. What if im wrong? The times when things are good but I know how crazy that sounds! For a long time now I’ve felt myself growing distant from him and he’s noticed. But I just don’t know how to approach it. I feel so isolated. Things reached a head on our birthdays. His being first I had planned to take him to a nice dinner and exchange gifts when we arrived home. Thankfully he has limited his drinking but I’ve noticed that’s only when he as access to our legal dispensary’s. We do live in a legal state but he normally doesn’t have the money. I’ve had to explain I will not be his source numerous times. The day before his birthday we got into a huge argument and I explained I had no desire to go to dinner at this point. I was furious. I tried to let it go but due to my work schedules I was unable to make it up to him. Fast forward to about 2 weeks later, my birthday. The previous week he have me the gifts I wanted, (things from my work which he bought from me) but did not acknowledge my birthday at all until I pointed it out to him at 5 in the evening. To some (like him) it’s not a big deal at all, to me I find it hurtful as this is not the first time he’s done this. I told him how unacceptable it is which I received a response of “he can’t remember his own mothers so don’t play that card”. This was now 5 days ago and I have hardly talked to him. I just am at a loss. He tells me I never want to talk about our problems but when I do it’s the same cycle over and over. I tell him what I’m bothered by, after a bit of arguing back and forth I hear “so that’s it I’m the bad guy” and it always ends there. I don’t even know how to put into words what to say at this point as I kinda have a feeling what I will get back. He tells me how much he loves me and dammit I do love him to but I just don’t know if it’s what’s right for me anymore…
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Suffering 5 year relationship at a head, strange 2 year friendship being tested.
Relationship Stress / by musashi554
Last post
 October 27th, 2021
...See more Ok so let’s bring this back 5 years ago to when I first was dating my boyfriend. Things were great but we began having difficulties after a long while of being together. I began feeling very neglected mentally and was crying out for help on deaf ears. This resulted in a breakup. Now here is where I’m just as guilty. During this break up I had an unhealthy habit of seeking “love” from people who did not care about me. Months later my boyfriend and I end up back together. Only for the same cycle to happen. This time I began getting very close to his friend/roommate who did not make his intentions clear, this resulted in a very strange and confusing ordeal of emotions for myself and others involved. Fast forward more time, I this time apologizing profusely and just feeling like the scum of the earth. That was over 3 years ago. Things we very good again for a long time until we both left our jobs (we worked at the same place and left for the same reason poor management) then things turned again. I bounced back quickly and got a job which I still hold to this day, he did not. He sunk into a deep depression and it took him a very long time to get work. When he finally did he quit after about 4-6 months for various reason. Since then he’s had no work and has been spiraling into a rut. All the while this is happening both of our immediate family members (my mom and his grandpa) become very ill and begin a fast decline in health. This took an even bigger toll on both of us. During his whole spiral of depression I have noticed a major change. The sincerity of his gifts is gone, his attentiveness began to dwindle among many other things. All the while I pushed these feelings aside as I felt I would be out of line to say anything. He’s in just a dark place mentally as I am. Who am I to judge? Over the oast two years I began working with my best friend who now has crossed a strange line. After he moved on to another job and left his very volatile relationship of many years we began hanging out much more. During this time I’ve felt things were going in this path but once again I ignored it until to let to a kiss one night. A kiss I then continued. And did again multiple times later. Truly I’m disgusted with myself as this is so far from my own morals and I’m shocked at myself. I then found myself thinking maybe it could be him? But looking at how he has treated others and the strange relationship between his daughter his something that’s scares me. Sure he’s grown but how much? After feeling so much gulit I finally separated myself from my friend to think and tried to talk to my boyfriend about everything but my friend. It’s not going well. I don’t know what to do…
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I can’t tell if he wants me to get better or not.
Relationship Stress / by musashi554
Last post
 June 3rd, 2021
...See more My boyfriend of 5 years is not.. ideal I guess some would say. We have rough patches but I truly do love him. I should start this by saying I’ve been dealing with anxiety for most of my life and it’s worsening to a bad point where I have been told multiple times to see therapy. He was one, he was all for me trying to get help if that’s what I needed. He said it seemed like I was having a kid life crisis but that it didn’t make sense because I’m in my 20s. During a bit of an argument just now that started from him not picking me up when he was supposed to, I mention how overwhelmed I am at the thought of finding a therapist and I’m met with “why the f@$& do you need a therapist?”. I’m just at a loss right now as to even think. There are times when he listens to me and is right there with me but then is like a switch is flipped the next day and he’s rather cold about it.
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Overwhelming dread is crippling me
Anxiety Support / by musashi554
Last post
 May 23rd, 2021
...See more This past month my anxiety has worsened to a whole new level for me. I went from being scared of interactions to suddenly feeling so worthless like I am not doing enough for not perusing my dreams fast enough, now this has morphed into severe dread about death and old age. I don’t know how they are connected but I can just feel it. I’m so scared. I’m scared of getting old, of getting hurt, of dying. I’m scared of my loved ones doing the same. Watching my grandparents age and my moms health drastically decline has given me such a helpless feeling of despair. I’m having daily breakdowns at work. I feel like I’m loosing my mind. My boyfriend thinks I am having a midlife crisis but I’m only in my mid twenties. I don’t understand what’s happening to me and I’m scared.
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