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Hi!
I've been doing a lot better lately at trying to talk to other people, and I've actually come close to making a friend!
I've talked a little before about this guy I've been interested in, and I'm really proud that I took the steps to talk to him first instead of waiting for him to initiate. We've had a couple minor conversations inside and outside of class, and I had been trying to work up the nerve to ask for his ***. It sounds so mundane in hindsight, but every time I thought about it I kept pushing it back. I eventually came up with a plan: he's told me before that he wants to get into buying more earrings (I tend to wear pretty funky earrings and he wears pretty funky rings, so we bonded a little over that) , so I decided that I would ask him if he wanted my Etsy list and if I could send it to him on ***. I wanted to do this on the last day of class since I knew he was going to be there. Well, he showed up. Talked to our teacher. Said hi to me. Left.
I wasn't expecting that. I was a bit taken aback in the moment, and it slowly started to register that I missed my chance. I literally had to leave class early that day because I felt like I was gonna cry. I wasn't sad about not doing it, but angry because I had waited for so long for something so small. I ended up bursting into tears once I was about a block away from home, and I couldn't stop myself until I got upstairs. It was a combination of anger, embarrassment (since I was just walking down the street crying), and just utter stupidity. I felt like I was doing so good only to realize I was just doing the same thing I've always done: let my overthinking get in the way of bettering a connection with someone. I felt really stupid in the moment for crying about it, and I still feel really stupid for crying in hindsight, but I get it.
At that point, I kind of pushed some of my overthinking to the side. I already knew his ***, but I wanted to formally ask him for it in person so he knew it was me and knew I wanted to connect with him outside of class. I ended up messaging him on *** about the Etsy list and told him it was me. He saw it about an hour later, liked all of the messages, and followed me. He never answered the question, and I honestly don't know how to feel about that (any opinions?), but at least something happened.
I still really wish it didn't happen that way. I honestly feel like such a weirdo for messaging him out of the blue like that, but it's not like I had much other options. Campus is huge and we both have different majors, so there's an extremely slim chance we're going to have class together again. I honestly just didn't want to lose the one connection I've worked on this year, on top of the fact that he's a really sweet person who's also into some of the things I'm into and I just love being around him.
I want to message him again, but I honestly don't think I should. I've done this a dozen times: message someone I want to talk to, have a brief conversation, never talk to the person again UNLESS I message them first. I'm sick and tired of doing that. I'm tired of giving energy to people that don't seem like they want it. It makes me feel bad. I feel like if I message him, that's just going to be the case again. On top of that, I don't want to come off as clingy or anything like that. I just want him to approach me on his own time, but I feel like that's not gonna happen. But I also don't want to force something that isn't there. Idk this whole thing is just confusing now.