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pilgrim98
414 M Embraced 3
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts26 Forum posts27 Forum upvotes16 Current upvotes16 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2018 Member sinceMarch 10, 2017
Bio

I'm a writer, web developer, and INFP learning to navigate a world of thinkers and judgers. I love movies, good wine, and talking about crazy conspiracy theories.

Recent forum posts
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I'm a Husband to Undiagnosed BPD and Feeling Hopeless
Personality Disorders Support / by pilgrim98
Last post
 August 8th, 2017
...See more I'm Bryan. My wife and I have been in and out of counseling for a few years, mostly with things being unheated enough to warrant a distress call. But earlier in the year we were in counseling as it just seemed all of it was just crumbling down. She has a history of very angry and critical behavior, and I have a history of trying to avoid conflict as much as possible so I "don't anger the beast." (She's not a beast, she's a good mother to our three daughters and ultimately a very likeable person.) She does not often admit to being wrong about anything and often has a kind of God complex, which has made rocky relationships with her own parents, her brother and sister-in-law, most friends we've had, and especially ANYONE in my family, causing me to live most of my life living far away from them and with very little personal interaction with my parents and my brother. She has had a rough history with work and has been in and out of jobs since before we were married fifteen years ago, usually walking out on the spot if she is ever corrected on anything or has an issue with her manager or supervisor. She is a good mother in a very tough-love way, making them learn lessons is the most important. And when it comes to me or our kids, she will often get upset and then rant and rave on any of us and can literally do this for HOURS, even if everyone is in tears and upset. Back to our counseling sessions - I was brave enough to be honest with our counselor about how this behavior has affected me and others, and he mentioned that these sound like symptoms of BPD. He sent me a book to read and while she didn't fit severe cases (she has never attempted suicide or self harm to the best of my knowledge). He suggested she may have a high functioning case. She was LIVID. She immediately forced us to drop him as a counselor and find a therapist who could focus more on the marriage and everything I have done wrong (I admitedly am not perfect, and while I've never had a sexual or physical affair, last year I got too close emotionally to someone else and came clean about it, which threw us back into counseling, I am not proud of this). She has about two good weeks out of the month but then becomes so angry at almost anything. I am not sure what to do with all of this. I need support for one thing, but I also want to help her, but she will absolutely not face anything that points a finger at her. She won't even get tested for it, so I'm not even really sure WHAT I am dealing with. Sigh... Just need to vent.
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I really messed myself up!
Relationship Stress / by pilgrim98
Last post
 May 10th, 2017
...See more I posted about my situation previously, but the gist of my story is this: my wife and I have been married for fifteen years. We have three beautiful daughters, and to the outside eye, to Facebook, to Instagram and beyond, we probably are one of those families that seem pretty picture perfect. But there's a dark side. For the entirety of my marriage, my wife and I have gone around and around, with her being extremely critical and often mean when she doesn't get her way, and with me trying everything I can do to appease her and keep her happy. As a result, we wound up in a parent-child relationship pretty early on and have nearly ended the marriage (SHE nearly did) many times as I was told not to pursue the things I wanted but had to fit into what she demanded for our family. (I recently learned that she may have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and this has begun to explain a LOT. But as a result of all of this, I have spent many years feeling trapped for the sake of my children and wanting to not mess them up. But last year, I began a friendship online with a woman who lived several hundred miles away from me. She was going through a rough time, and as I began to try and encourage her, we began to develop a close relationship (at least emotionally). In a long story, it was cut short as my wife found out about it, and I confessed to crossing the line emotionally. I had to abruptly end things with the other woman, and knew that regardless of how messy it seemed, I had to work on my marriage. I had to try. We began counseling (which is where this discovery of BPD came from). I did try and apologize to the other woman for the pain I had caused to her as well, but she'd pretty much written me off. But here's the thing - I am doing what I know is the right thing, I am working on my marriage, I'm working on raising my kids, and I'm trying to get them to adulthood without scarring them too badly. But I am so tired of being emotionally abused. And to make matters worse, I fell HARD for this other woman. It was still likely the wrong thing. But I can't get her out of my heart and my head. And this great passion that had suddenly been awakened in me last year now feels like a heartbreak. Yeah, I did it to myself, and it's my own stupid fault, but I also cannot talk to ANYONE about this. I am hurting so bad, and I know it won't last forever. But right now just sucks so bad. I know I need to just "GET OVER IT" but it's so much easier said than done, and I feel so melancholy most of the time. I am probably ZERO fun to be around. Thanks for letting me rant. I just needed to talk. I'll be okay.
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Living as victim of wife with borderline personality disorder
Personality Disorders Support / by pilgrim98
Last post
 May 6th, 2017
...See more I posted recently that I had wondered why my marriage was such a struggle. Why I failed to get anything right. Why no matter how much I tried to please her, I was never enough, and she was mean. Accusatory and verbally belligerent in a Dr Jeckyl/Mr Hyde way. I spent so many years walking on eggshells with this woman to not risk losing my children. Yesterday our marital therapist reached out to me privately to tell me that based on his research and our therapy (both individually and together), he wanted to tell me he had realized the source of my wounded personality, and that he realized that while we're all flawed humans, I was not the problem in the marriage. My wife had borderline personality disorder, which made her extremely emotionally unstable and narcissistic- often sabotaging and deriving pleasure from wounding me emotionally. it was a relief to know I wasn't crazy, but I don't know what to do with this. She refuses to be called out on anything and thinks she is pretty close to perfect despite her broken relationships with almost everyone in her life from time to time. I want to have a healthy family for my kids and I want to protect them. And ultimately I want her to get healthy. still it's hard not to think the last 15 years of my life were basically wasted other than my kids. Really feeling lost right now
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